On Frustration and NOT Giving Up
What's going on in your mind?
In one group chat I’m part of for women in Product Management, several women asked for advice on how to manage their frustration about their job search and not give up.
In another conversation with friends, some of them asked for advice on how to manage their frustration about the never-ending transformation that their organization is going through, and to stop wanting to punch people in the face on Mondays.
In yet another conversation, somebody shared the ridiculousness of a senior executive sending out several-page-long memos written 100% by AI, and that they seem to have clearly not even read — and they asked for advice on how to not throw in the towel with this industry because maaaaaaaannnnn it’s gotten really weird.
Honestly, I’m also frustrated about a lot of things. So I get the dark and stormy feelings that may arise, and just want to give up and say “fuck it all!”
My newsletter these days has been mostly a love letter to myself to remind myself to not give in to the frustration and not give up. Because the only thing I’d be giving up on would be my dreams and myself. And I’d say that goes for a lot of us.
So for today’s newsletter, I’d love to share what’s been helping me, the people I coach, and the friends I’ve shared some advice with.
And while this is not a one-size-fits-all formula — take what is relevant, experiment, and find what feels good and effective for you.
On Frustration
If there’s one thing that has been hammered into my head, is that the feeling of frustration is mostly coming from the meaning we put into things.
As in, when things go south, what do we make it mean about us?
When I hit rock bottom a while back, I took my circumstance to mean that “I was not good enough” in 500 million ways. And that feeling just kept pulling me into more and more frustration when I couldn’t turn things around in the ways that I needed them to. And then of course, the lack of results just made me more frustrated. So rinse and repeat.
Does this mean that it’s all our fault and that other people shouldn’t take accountability for their actions? Does this mean that the recruiting processes these days are not fucked, and it’s all our fault that we haven’t been hired yet? Not at all.
BUT… (there’s always a but)
When we let these circumstances dictate our worth, take away our ability to experience joy, and allow ourselves to spend our days drowning in the thought and feeling of “nothing good ever happens to us,” and we stay there — I would say that’s on us now.
To not let circumstances take away our bright and shiny is easier said than done. Believe me, I know. But it is necessary work. Because at the core of it, even if the job may be taking too long to find or our future in the organization may be uncertain, who we are is still who we are.
And I’m not talking about personalities here. I’m talking about our worth, our skills, our expertise, the things we deserve; they’re all unchanged. They’re still there. Regardless of what circumstances may be trying to insist on.
On NOT giving up
When people ask me how not to give up, I don’t have a list of “here are things that are guaranteed to get you out of your rut”. I wish. Because we’re all different humans and we see through the lenses of our values, beliefs, experiences, and perspectives. But there are some things that are applicable regardless.
So let me share those with you now:
01 Ask yourself what giving up means to you. Giving up is such a loaded phrase. And it can mean many things depending on where you are in your frustration. Are you giving up on yourself and the faith that things will unfold in the best way possible OR are you giving up on the hustling and grinding that you think you need to do to get what you want?
Giving up on yourself is one thing. And if this is where you are, talk to somebody.
Giving up on the hustling and grinding, though, may be a good thing. Take a break and create distance from your current challenges so you can approach them later with renewed energy.
02 You’ve survived through all of your challenges so far and dare I say, thrived, too! If you’re reading this, that means your survival rate for all of your challenges is 100%! And there shouldn’t be any reason why that would change now. You’re alive, you’re breathing, your mind is moving, and things never stay the way they are. And if you haven’t celebrated how big of a deal that is, now is a good time to do so! (Go on, I’ll wait here with my drink).
03 Start observing your thoughts and be mindful of how you’re narrating your life and everything that’s going on around you. How we narrate our lives internally is pretty much training our minds what we want to experience more of. So pay attention. Are you narrating your life as if you’re in a tragedy or are you the heroine of your life where everything you’re experiencing is life unfolding for you?
If you’re experiencing a lot of conflict with your colleagues, observe how you think about them? Are you rehearsing arguments even before the actual conversation happens?
If you’re nervous about a job interview, are you creating a list for why you’re not qualified for this job? Or are you repeating to yourself how the job market is terrible and getting a job these days is such a lottery that you can’t seem to win?
And once you start observing them, stop entertaining them. We think we’re solving the problem by thinking about them constantly, analyzing every angle, etc. But often, we’re just living in the problem over and over again. So just like when we’re taught in meditation, don’t engage with the thought and just let them go. Don’t identify with the problem.
04 And then start telling yourself a better story about you and your life. Very related to the previous point, once you’ve observed the internal narrative that you keep looping in your brain, start telling yourself a better story.
You know how the people who are lucky are lucky because they believe that they’re lucky? It starts with telling themselves they’re lucky.
Gratitude practices work in a similar way. The more we surface the things that we’re grateful for in the day or the things that brought us joy, we train our minds to see more of that.
Start paying more attention to the good stuff and train your mind to think more about it so it starts showing you more of it.
Now take it a step further — start being your biggest cheerleader in your mind! Be the first person to start seeing that your life is actually fine. Replace your old problematic stories with stories as if you’ve already solved the problem. Allow yourself to start imagining great things for yourself and think from the place of already having it.
If you’re constantly thinking that things suck, your mind will keep showing you reasons to believe it.
If you’re constantly thinking that things are easy or at least getting better and better every day, guess what your mind will show you?
Our minds are powerful machines, but it relies on the data you put in them.
So if you’re searching for a job? Instead of spending so much of your energy thinking about how low the chances are, the market being shitty and all — start putting more of your energy on how companies are constantly looking for somebody to help them solve their problems AND how you’re the best person to help them solve them. And watch your mind show you more of that.
05 If you can’t think better thoughts, stay neutral. Circumstances are often neutral. The frustration we feel usually comes from the meaning we put in our circumstances.
So when there’s delay in your outcome, best to not put meaning behind it. Don’t automatically jump into conclusions about yourself, or put the blame outwards. Just notice the thoughts that come up in your mind and let them go.
Staying in the thought of how shitty things can just perpetuate the feeling of frustration. And constantly feeling frustrated is not a way to live.
So let them go. Job rejection? Ok. Don’t make it mean shit about you. Learn, sure. Improve your stories, or practice again for the next interview. But don’t allow yourself to dwell in the thoughts that can only put you in a bad state. Or you’ll carry that bad state with you forward.
If you can’t switch your thoughts to something better, remain neutral. It doesn’t have to mean anything. The circumstance doesn’t have to dictate what can happen tomorrow and the days afterward.
06 Just be and don’t forget to live your life. Believe it or not, tomorrow doesn’t exist yet. Yesterday no longer exists either. The only moment that’s real is now.
So be in the now. Allow your mind to rest a bit instead of living in the anxiety of tomorrow or in the regret of yesterday. Just be today and enjoy it as much as you can.
In the space of waiting for a job or instead of ruminating about the frustrating things that are happening in your day-to-day, gift yourself moments that give you joy. Or relief. Whether that’s a hobby, or just staring at the sky with a clear head — allow yourself those.
Sometimes taking a step away from the endless scrolling through the job posts creates space in our minds to think more creative approaches to solve our problems. Often it creates space to allow us to think better thoughts about ourselves. And from those better thoughts, creative solutions can come up. Rinse and repeat.
Either way, different/better thoughts can create different behaviors because we’re able to approach our lives with more calm vs being in constant stress.
In conclusion
Often with the people I coach, we would talk about how they can start living from this new identity. The one who thinks that everything always works out in their favor, the one who is already working in their dream job, the one who’s life is unfolding in the way that’s aligned with their dreams.
But sometimes, when things feel overwhelming, the acting from this place can only pull us down even more — especially when we start looking for the outcome, and it’s not there immediately.
So we always start from our thoughts.
Observing our thoughts, changing our thoughts, and staying present in the moment.
We don’t give up on our dreams and our goals. Instead, we start allowing ourselves to let go of the thoughts that lead us to believe that we can’t have them or it’s difficult to have. So we can make space for the thoughts that tell us that we can have and be whatever we want.
Our minds are repetition machines. The more we repeat things, the more it gets integrated.
Adding feelings to it make it more powerful. Acting from it even more so.
But we’re not aiming for perfection here. We’re aiming for allowing ourselves to start believing better things are possible for us. Taking the power away from other people/circumstances to dictate how our day-to-day will take shape.
And then we create more space. For the possibilities to start materializing because we deemed it so.
Seneca said:
So if our minds are so powerful that they can make us suffer, why not use their power to create something different for us?
Start to think good so we can feel good — then watch the world mirror back that good.
Kax
p.s.
My newsletter will always be free. But if you find my posts helpful to you and your career goals, you might consider leaving me a tip/buying me a coffee :)
How to work with me
01 I’ve been working on ways to make my coaching accessible to more people. So I started creating these workbooks based on the no.1 problems my coaching clients come to me for help on solving.
It so happens that one of the most popular problems to solve is on How to Build Trust and Have More Influence. So I took the frameworks, exercises, and experiments I’ve done with my clients that have helped them achieve their goals and turned it into this workbook.
So now you can get some coaching from me in bite-size pieces :)
02 I have spots open for 1:1 coaching. I would love to help you navigate your career and find balance with the rest of your life, whether you’re trying to:
Figure out what’s next for you because you’re tired of what you’re doing or you want more for yourself (or something better). Or even if you’re not sure if what you’re doing now is still what you want to keep doing.
Navigate your new life as a leader, be effective, and not burn yourself out through it all (especially in this new world where speed became table stakes)
Build your first product/business on your own. Whether you already know how to build one but you’re pulling your hair out because what’s next — maybe because you’re not sure if you’re ready, if people will believe that you’re the best person to help them solve their problems, or 10 million other doubts and questions that are going through that beautiful mind of yours.
Whatever it is that you’re going through right now, professionally (and honestly it will always have an impact personally, one way or another), I’d love to work with you through it so you can achieve the best possible scenario for yourself.
So let’s have a chat and we can talk about how we might work together.
03 I work with teams and communities to help the people in it figure out what’s the best possible way for them to achieve their goals. Or even define their goals. Let’s talk about the challenges that the people you work with are facing, and we can design together a workshop that can help them solve their challenges and start living the best possible scenarios for themselves (and the work that they’re doing).
Whether the challenges are structural or self-concept-driven, I’d love to help!
So if you’re a manager who wants to help your team have more impact or a community leader who want to help your members gain more confidence, clarity, and creativity… 👇