They say it takes AT LEAST 21 days to build a habit. And there’s no shortage of advice (and vibe-coded apps!) on how to do it, too.
Pair the habit with a reward.
Make it easy to start and tie it to something you already do.
Find an accountability partner.
All of it can help, yes. And yet, most of us have started a habit with full gusto (New Year’s resolutions, anyone?) and then dropped it anyway, barely 2 weeks after we’ve started.
And when that happens, the explanation a lot of us reach for is the same:
“I lost motivation.” or “I just don’t have the discipline for this.”
Motivation, especially, is still the most common reason people give themselves, even though it comes and goes by nature. Who feels motivated every single moment, really? If you know somebody who does, send them to the research lab immediately! Their brains deserve to be studied!
But if you read enough or listen to podcast episodes from actual experts who talk a lot about how habits stick, one idea keeps being repeated: It’s about who you believe you are. Identity precedes habits.
Almost all of the advice we’re given is about what to do. Very little of it is about who we’re being while we do it. And this is crucial because a habit that doesn’t match who we believe we are is something that will feel forced (or worse, icky).
But when the habit does match who we believe we are, it’s different. We’re no longer focused on the “trying” because it’s something we should do. It gets to be exciting when we’re starting out. It becomes an experiment: “will this support who I am?”.
Or even better, it gets to be absolutely normal because it’s just something you would do. Because that’s just who you are now.
This is also why falling off the habit wagon can feel so costly. When we slip, we tend to focus on everything that we did wrong.
We call it a lack of discipline and “punish ourselves for it”, which makes getting back to the practice less and less fun until we just end up stopping.
With the “right” identity running the show, though, a missed day is just a missed day. It doesn’t mean that we’re a failure or that we lack discipline. And coming back to the habit is just waking up the next morning and doing it. Normal.
Why identity matters for career expansion
The identity and the practice of the habit need each other. The identity fuels the practice of the habit. The practice strengthens the identity.
And because it’s a practice, consistency still matters. That’s how identity gets strengthened: by showing up as THAT person over and over again.
This matters for your career more than it might seem.
Most of the habits we try to build at work are about showing up differently.
Get better at communication
Asking for what you want clearly
Building relationships beyond your remit
These are the things that move a career forward, sure. And they’re also the ones that feel like pushing a boulder up a hill if you don’t see yourself as the person who does them. And some actions might even feel like they’re in complete conflict with your values.
If you still see yourself as someone who’s not good enough, going after opportunities that excite you can feel like a make-or-break choice. If you still see yourself as someone who’s waiting to be invited, expanding your network can feel like a chore.
You can maybe push through for a while (especially when the situation feels dire), but it will take up so much effort every single time you do it. For some of you, it might even feel like chipping away at your soul.
But if you see yourself as someone who knows that what you put on the table is valuable, those actions will feel like “let’s see what happens if I do this,” and they will get more natural and easier each time. Or you will find a different practice that works for you.
Incidentally, this is also why a lot of people feel stuck. It’s less about not knowing the next step, and more that the next step requires being someone they haven’t given themselves permission to be yet.
We wait for the world to tell us who we are, and we keep that label until somebody tells us that we’re ready to put on the next one.
I believe it works the other way around.
We’re the only ones who get to decide that we’re ready to be the person we say we want to be. And even more so, we also get to decide that we already ARE that person. Starting today. Starting when you get to the end of this sentence.
You already have so many receipts. Like the times you’ve shown up as this version of you, even if they felt like exceptions. And truth be told, you don’t even need the receipts. The receipts get created along the way as the practice becomes a habit and the habit just becomes that thing you do.
So instead of spending 21 days tracking whether the habits are sticking, what if we spent 21 days choosing who we want to be over and over again?
Suspend disbelief for 21 days and the constant asking “am I doing this right?” loop.
And just stick to the decision that you already are the person who you say you are and all the habits that come with it are already yours. And then stick to that decision by practicing the thoughts, perspectives, and responses that align.
A place you can start from, TODAY.
Ask yourself:
If I were already the person who has the career I want, the person who is the expert and has a great reputation for it, how would I feel? How would I think? How would I behave? And then choose that, every single time.
Give yourself permission to believe that you already are; let this drive the actions and practices you’re taking, and then let these practices strengthen the identity you’ve chosen to occupy.
And then let the results, whether it’s the new job, the promotion, the sale, let them all meet you there.
If you want to practice this for 21 days, that’s what Becoming is: a daily practice, December 1-21, of choosing who you want to be so the career you want can meet you there.
It’s async with no calls, and the pre-work goes out November 24, so the earlier you join, the more of a head start you get.
Time to be awesome!
Kax
p.s.
If you’re looking for a more custom approach to your specific career goals, I still have open 1:1 coaching slots. Book a free discovery call with me and we can talk about how our coaching collaboration can look like.