A popular line that gets thrown around a lot is to learn to choose yourself first.
But have we really talked about what it means to choose yourself? Especially when it comes to careers?
A lot of the people I work with come to me asking how they can “sell themselves” so they’ll get chosen for whatever role they’re gunning for — a promotion or a role in a new company. Followed shortly by a spiel about how “selling themselves” makes them feel… which is cringe.
My response to this question usually is:
If you were the hiring manager, would you choose yourself? Why?
And the awkward silence that follows usually tells me a lot.
If you’re currently looking for new roles or want to get recognized and rewarded at work but the things you’re doing are not moving the needle…
I’d love to work with you! I’d love to help you not only achieve your current goals but also for you to build a career that feels amazing.
Why “Selling Yourself” feels icky
A lot of people think that “selling themselves” feels icky because it’s showing off and they don’t want to be seen as arrogant.
But most of the time, this selling thing feels icky because we’re trying to prove ourselves to other people. It’s the whole “pick-me” energy behind it. The need to convince the other side of the table to think one way about us.
The need for the other side to think that we’re good enough for the role so we can have it.
Which is pretty normal. Because we do want that opportunity, especially if we’ve been trying for some time now to no avail.
But “pick-me” energy repels.
Trust me, I know. How? Whenever I get into a state of desperation with my business, I sometimes find myself in the “I need to sell myself” mode, trying to prove how great I am as a coach. Does it work? Never. Leads I thought were a sure shot will suddenly come back with a no and a reason that doesn’t make sense. Which brings me back to more desperation mode. Rinse and repeat.
The desperate energy we put behind the “selling myself” is what’s icky.
The need to have somebody validate that we’re good enough so they’d pick us is what’s icky (not to be mistaken with the need to have a stable income to live a good life, which is not icky at all).
It’s never been the act of telling good shit about ourselves that feels weird or gross. In fact, when done from a different angle, it can actually feel good. Think about how it feels to tell your friends about a recent win you had at work? Doesn’t that feel good?
Technically, they’re the same thing. You're telling a story. But they’re backed by 2 different motivations and energy.
Be the person who chooses you
I go back to this question:
If you were the hiring manager, would you choose yourself? Why?
Your answer to this determines how you can approach any interview conversation or being the top of mind for any opportunity.
The people who say YES with full conviction behind it are able to:
Connect the dots between their experience and what the role requires
Choose stories that can highlight the impact they’ve had on both the business and the organization
Treat the interview as a conversation between two people who are looking to have a mutually beneficial relationship
They know they can be a good fit for the role, and they’re coming into the interview with the lens of discovering if the role is a good fit for them. So they’re interviewing the other person too.
Because they’re coming in with the mindset of “well, they’d be lucky to be working with me too, wouldn’t they?”
Maybe it’s confidence. Maybe it’s audacity. Maybe it’s Maybelline!
By choosing yourself, you become your own source of validation. Being your own source of validation is the most sustainable way to live. Not saying we shouldn’t appreciate it when people give us good feedback. But often, we actually won’t receive feedback for one reason or another.
If I had a euro for every person I’ve coached who’s shared with me that they feel weird when people give them good feedback or that they dismiss it immediately, I’d be able to buy an island.
But even though we don’t fully accept it, we still rely on it. And when we’ve relied on it for so long, when we don’t receive it or when we receive the opposite of the feedback we want to get — we tend to spiral to the worst possible assumptions about ourselves and the circumstances we’re in.
Maybe I’m not good enough.
When we know how to be our own source and point out the good parts in us as much as we know how to point out the bad parts (a lot of us are experts at this), we don’t jump to negative conclusions immediately when we don’t receive feedback or get rejected from a role.
Or even if we do, we can recover from this disappointment a lot faster.
And talking about the good stuff we’ve done and how amazing we are can feel like just the most natural thing in the world because it’s just another story to tell vs. “selling yourself”.
If you’re currently looking for new roles and need help with having a job search strategy that gets you in front of the opportunities that feel exciting for you, I’d love to help you!
Let’s have a chat about how I can help you with finding a new role that feels good for you.
So how do you choose yourself?
So how does one start choosing themselves? Is it just a matter of giving oneself compliments?
Well, I can spend the next 10 years making a list on this because really there are so many ways, big and small, to do this. But let me share a few to get you started:
01 Choose who you are being first and foremost
Decide that who you want to be is who you already are. Do you want to be that awesome badass tech professional who creates a lot of impact wherever you go? Then be that person. Decide that you already are that.
You don’t need to wait for other people or a certification to tell you that you are this person.
Nobody can decide for you who you are. Only you can.
So if you’ve been wanting to be the best version of yourself, decide that you already are that person.
02 Think and experience from this identity’s perspective
Be this person. Day in and day out. It might feel uncomfortable at first (like wearing new shoes that you still have to break in). But practice makes it more natural.
If you were already the badass professional who creates a lot of impact and has opportunities landing on your lap all day, every day, every damn day:
How would you think about yourself and your professional life?
How would you think about the circumstances you’re in and the other people you’re interacting with?
How would you respond to the challenges you’re facing or the feedback you’re receiving?
And how different would it be from your usual ones?
03 Tell a story from this perspective
Both to yourself and to others.
To others:
Talking about your impact and contribution begins to feel like stating facts (because you are)
You’re no longer trying to justify why you’re a great asset but continuously demonstrating what life is/could be like when you’re able to add your magic
Saying no or taking an opposing stance starts to feel like a discussion vs. a conflict waiting to escalate
To yourself:
You start spotting the many instances during the day where you’ve actually done well, and you start seeing how close you are to your goal
You spend as much time (if not more) thinking about the “what if it all works out?” as you do the “what if this fucks up?”
You reduce your hyper-vigilance and attempts to interpret other people’s behaviors towards you so that rejection or negative feedback stops feeling like a personal attack
You can’t go wrong when you’re the first person choosing yourself
Does choosing yourself make other people choose you? Well, yes and no.
YES, because your energy changes. You come into conversations secure and confident about what you put on the table. You become more relaxed because the stakes no longer feel so high, because you believe that achieving your goal is inevitable anyway.
You feel safe because you’ve made yourself safe.
So you will say what you really want to say.
You will ask about what you really want to know.
You will disagree when you feel it’s necessary to do so.
And this kind of energy stands out. It’s hard to ignore. Because it’s authentic.
Think about it.
The people you’ve interacted with in your day-to-day jobs who are secure, chill, and authentic — aren’t they the kind of people you and a whole bunch of other people want to work with?
Are they always so great at their jobs? Not all the time. But somehow it’s ok and they’re still amazing to work with anyway.
At the same time, it’s a NO, because you can’t control people’s minds. You can influence them, of course. And when you’re secure and confident about yourself, the stronger your influence becomes.
But also, it’s ok. As cheesy as it sounds, rejection truly becomes a redirection.
When you choose yourself, you see your value clearly.
When you see your value clearly, you see opportunities that fit you well.
When you see opportunities that fit you well, you can redirect immediately.
Because when you’re the hiring manager, you know you would hire yourself. You have a compelling reason why. And you can always speak about that to anyone.
Try it.
Start being the first person in this entire world who sees how much of an amazing asset you will be to any team you’re part of or any role you occupy.
Occupy your mind with how great you already are and show yourself the evidence that support it every single day.
Spend as much time (if not more) recognizing that you already are capable - you have the skills to do an amazing job anywhere and the capacity to learn more if ever they’re needed.
Interrupt the doom and gloom loop in your mind and practice having better thoughts about yourself and what’s possible for you.
Choose yourself. And then choose better for yourself.
See what happens.
❤️ Stay awesome!
Kax
p.s.
Frameworks are fantastic start. If you want a tailored approach that fits your career goals AND circumstance, I’d love to be your partner in crime.
Let’s work together to land you that new role, that promotion, or figure out what’s the next best step that best suits your ambitions.
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