I used to think that I had a pretty good relationship with asking for help. More or less. Until just a while back, I had to ask for help, and I hesitated big time.
I was recently faced with a circumstance that I had no means to solve on my own. At least none that I could see. And believe me, I tried my best to look for solutions that I could independently execute… but alas! I had my hands tied behind my back. Or it felt like it.
I was at my favourite cafe, having my usual, and mulling over the current circumstances that I have to deal with when a tiny voice at the back of my head finally spoke up, “Just ask for help from X (not the social media platform)”.
And there began a very long conversation with myself, finding 10 million reasons why asking for help is out of the question.
By the time I finished my almond croissant and my coffee and saw that a long queue outside has formed while I was lost in thought, I’d almost convinced myself that asking for help was not an option. Do this on my own or die trying.
But the tiny voice kept going, “Just try it and see what happens”.
The experimental angle of that voice got to me. So I did.
But still, I asked for the minimum help I could ask for. A watered-down version of the help that I needed so that:
if my friend says no, I wouldn’t be disappointed.
but mostly, so I could save face and not look like a schmuck.
You can guess what happened.
They said yes. And offered the exact help I actually needed plus a whole lot more.
Over dinner last week, we unpacked this complex I have about asking for help (which my friend also shares), and it got me thinking about how many of us are out here bulldogging our lives and our careers simply because we don’t want to ask for help.
I thought I had a good relationship with asking for help
Lol. Wrong.
Sure, there are things I ask for help with. But during that dinner with my friend, I realized I ask for help when it meets certain criteria:
Can I pay for it? (Because somehow I need it to be an equal win for both)
If I have to ask friends, is this something they have to put in a lot of effort for? (How can I predict this, really?)
Is this work related? If yes, cool! (Because somehow I have it in my head that my personal life should be something I can sort out on my own).
For anything work-related, I had no problems asking for help. After all, if I got help for a particular hairy problem I’m facing, the intended positive impact will be for a wider audience.
Seriously, I remember the first time I wanted to work with a coach, I had no qualms asking my manager for a budget that was 3x my normal L&D budget.
Or when I was having issues with my team’s dynamics, I didn’t hesitate to ask for help from somebody in the organization who had nothing to do with what we were doing.
Or when I was having issues with a C-level stakeholder, I asked for help not just from my manager but also from that C-level stakeholder’s peers.
Do you see why I thought I had a good relationship with asking for help?
Replicate that outside of work? I’d sooner pull my hair out of my head than ask for it.
I thought I sorted this out already when I started going to therapy. But turns out, it’s an ongoing process. I might have gotten comfortable with asking for help for certain personal problems, but the bigger I perceived them to be, the old patterns would come up as if to taunt me. Lol.
The meaning we give
I’ve had trouble asking for help because of the meaning I assume it would have ABOUT ME. Even the assumptions I made towards other people often lead back to myself — as in how I see myself or how I assume other people would see me.
That at the end of the day, I just wasn’t good enough.
When it came to work, I didn’t hesitate to ask for help (at least 98% of the time), because a huge part of me has overcome that feeling of not being good enough.
In fact, I naturally assumed that if I asked for help, it was just a step to become even better than good enough. Because I would learn something new, I would gain new ways of doing things, I would have new allies, etc.
But when it came to personal circumstance? I had a different view. In fact, I had a full internal monologue of views.
Asking for help meant being an inconvenience to other people. It doesn’t matter if we’ve been the bestest of friends for years; I’d still be putting them in a spot wherein they’d have to put in some effort that may not be comfortable at that time for them. And being an inconvenience is my worst nightmare.
And what if they said no? What would this mean about our friendship? Does this mean that I’m not worth the effort? Obviously, since they’re rejecting me. And if they’re rejecting me, are we really even good friends? Why wouldn’t they want to help me?!
And seriously, why can’t I just solve this on my own?! What’s wrong with me that I can’t figure this out? What would other people say?
For me, asking for help for my personal circumstances meant one thing — that I wasn’t good enough. One way or another.
I’m not good enough to solve this on my own.
I’m not a good enough friend, so either I would subject them to the utmost inconvenience, or they’d reject me.
What a shit storm.
I saw myself as not good enough. So I predicted other people to think I wasn’t good enough. And even damned friendships to not be good enough over a made-up rejection that hasn’t even happened yet (because how can I be rejected over something I didn’t even ask about?)
But giving the meaning of not being good enough is the problem that rules them all.
I’ve seen this happen over and over again with my coaching clients, too. Mostly about work circumstances, of course.
Not wanting to delegate to their team because why can’t they just be able to handle things on their own?
Being afraid to say “I don’t know”, because it might reflect badly on them. Also why don’t they know yet?
Not wanting to ask for help from “above” because they might not be seen as fitting for their new role or the role they’re aspiring for. They’re trying to prove themselves after all.
So many predictions are based on a single assumption that then becomes true because we’re not giving ourselves a chance to move forward. Then we wonder why we get stuck.
I’m continuing with single coaching sessions for the month of September.
If you’re facing challenges with your role, your career direction, or even your business, book a coaching session with me and let’s spend 60 minutes troubleshooting your circumstance and figure out what are the best next steps you can carry out to move you forward.
Instead of talking about how coaching with me works, we can actually get on straight to the coaching :)
Change the meaning, change everything
More specifically, change what we make things mean about ourselves.
Is it really true that we’re not good enough?!
The phrase “good enough” is such a loaded phrase for me. The associations at least are never favourable. “Good enough” feels like meeting a bare minimum which still feels terrible. And then “Not good enough” just makes me feel shame.
Yo!
Is that something you would allow your friend to think and feel about themselves?
If the answer is no, then why the hell are you thinking that way about yourself?
This was the question I asked myself multiple times after that night of unpacking with the friend I asked for help from.
Asking for help can mean so many other things:
I just don’t know how to solve this yet, and other people might have ideas
I can release the pressure of getting this right and actually create space for better ideas or opportunities to come along
I’m still learning and in the process of gathering tools/resources to turn this thing around
And that’s just a few. My friend also offered other perspectives such as:
Asking for help actually strengthens our connection
Asking for help also gives other people opportunities to share their talents/gifts (which can make them feel good)
And in the event of them saying no, it doesn’t mean anything about our friendship; it just can simply mean that they didn’t have the capacity/capability to help me.
As well as, the sooner I sorted out this issue, they will benefit too because then they’d get back a version of me that was less grumpy (impacting a wider audience, yeah?)
Things I already knew and could apply towards work, but didn’t think of translating it to other parts of my life. Lol
In the end, asking for help didn’t have to mean immediately that I wasn’t good enough. Asking for help can mean more opportunities to create better outcomes both in the short and long term.
I also think that often we conflate “not being good enough” to “not being enough”.
Just because we don’t know how to do something doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re sucky as human beings or not worth anything.
So if you’re hesitating to ask for help at work, you can see it this way:
You’re still learning, and that’s a good thing! Because in learning there’s growth (and isn’t that what you wanted to have in the first place? That’s why you took on that role?)
You can get more and sometimes maybe even better ideas that can help you with your challenges. Different perspectives often open up the door to a better discovery.
Showing vulnerability this way is an opportunity to strengthen your work relationships. People you ask for help from will find it more comfortable to ask for your help in the future. Better collaboration moving forward can be a great potential outcome.
The people who can help will try to the best of their ability and capacity. And those who can’t help — it’s ok. Maybe they’re slammed by so many things they didn’t even see your Slack message.
You’d be less stressed out in general making you a much more pleasant human being to work with. Lol
And lastly, if none of the arguments work, how about taking an experimental approach? Try it and see what happens.
Worst case scenario, you’ll still have to figure it out on your own, which you’re already doing anyway.
Best case scenario, you get the exact solution you needed in the first place.
TL;DR:
If you find yourself hesitating to ask someone for help, try to see where that feeling is coming from.
Sometimes a little reframing goes a long way.
If it’s coming back to feeling like “I should know this already” or “I don’t want to be seen as not good enough” or “if I don’t figure this out on my own, then I’m definitely not cut out for this shit” ask yourself if this is something you’d tell your friend?
What if it has nothing to do with being good enough? And that even if we are not good enough at that moment, it doesn’t make us any less valuable, worthy, or deserving of the things that we’re aspiring to have.
Sometimes asking for help is actually the one thing that can get you unstuck. Because it breaks you out of your loop and patterns. Do something different, get different results, right?
And before you come at me with “my manager sucks/my colleagues suck they won’t want to help me”, let me challenge that with:
Have you tried?
Are they the only people you can ask for help out of the hundreds and thousands of people in your orbit?
And lastly, try it… and see what happens.
I’m continuing with single coaching sessions for the month of September.
If you’re facing challenges with your role, your career direction, or even your business, book a coaching session with me and let’s spend 60 minutes troubleshooting your circumstance and figure out what are the best next steps you can carry out to move you forward.
Instead of talking about how coaching with me works, we can actually get on straight to the coaching :)
In my last newsletter, I confessed that my newsletters these days are often love letters to myself. This is still one of them.
A reminder to myself that I don’t have to wait for my circumstances to change to smile at myself in the mirror. In fact, it’s when I started to smile at myself in the mirror that circumstances changed for the better.
I hope you find these love letters adding a bit more joy and hope to your days too, wherever you are.
Lovelots,
Kax
p.s.
My newsletter will always be 100% human-made and free. If you find my posts helpful to you and your career goals, might you consider leaving me a tip/buying me a coffee? :)