Read for when you're feeling stuck
Some thoughts, a lot of feelings, and zero violent reactions
I opened my calendar this month for single coaching sessions, and not surprisingly, the most common problem that people want to discuss is the feeling of being stuck.
Although the feeling is usually brought on by different circumstances, the impact is the same: not knowing how to move forward.
Should I quit my job and look for another one?
Should I stay in this role or pivot to something else?
Should I do this or that?
For each option, there are pros and cons. There are always 2 sides to the same coin, after all.
And in some cases, being stuck looks like “I’ve done everything I can and I’m still here”. Not moving forward closer to their goals.
That was me too, just a few months ago. I’ve also had my own experiences with feeling stuck. Plenty, in fact. And the last one is still a fresh memory.
I remember when I was pretty much crying out of frustration every time I’d find myself alone. I was out of ideas on how I could get out of my rut. I’ve tried everything I could think of, and what every friend could think of too, and yet nothing was happening. It even felt like things were getting worse.
And what’s worse was that it wasn’t just about my career. I was feeling stuck in every aspect of my life.
And depending on what your context is, this can be one of the most frustrating or scariest moments you can be in. For me, at that time, it was both.
So what can you do?
There is no right or wrong answer here. It’s mostly an “It depends”.
But I do have some tips on where to start.
For the month of August only (while my regular clients are off on holidays), I’m offering single coaching sessions in “pay-what-you-can” format.
You can find out more information and book your session using this link.
This is not an exhaustive list, but at least a list of things you can start doing today.
01 Shift your focus from the problem to the goal
When we focus on the problem to solve, over time it can feel like the problem is more complex than it actually is. Sometimes, even, it gives birth to even more problems.
For example:
Option A: If I stay in this job, I’m going to murder somebody and go to jail.
Option B: If I change jobs now, I’ll have to do the onboarding and start from scratch all over again, and just thinking about it makes me tired already and I’m so burned out.
Option C: If I take a break now, I might find it difficult to rejoin the job market. It’s incredibly tough out there.
When you’re thinking of the problem to solve, you spend a lot of time and energy thinking about every angle of each scenario. Making Plan Bs-Ds.
And when you’re in the middle of an overwhelm, all your mind/body is going to do is to try to keep you safe. Even if that means giving you less-than-stellar solutions that don’t feel like solutions.
But when we focus on the goal and feel it as real and possible for us, we give our mind/body something more exciting to think about, which is “how do I make this real?”.
Imagine the goal as already done and absolutely normal enough times, you start training your mind to think this is safe to have. And you’ll find that it will look for paths to make this goal physically real in ways you weren’t even able to think about when you were busy focusing on the problem to solve.
02 Mind what you tell yourself in relationship to your goals
Pay attention to your inner conversations. As in the monologue you have with yourself about you and your goals. They usually go along the lines of:
I’m not ready yet. I don’t think I deserve this yet.
Everything sucks anyway. Everybody sucks. I’m not appreciated here.
I’m stuck. I’ll never figure this out. (the irony of constantly thinking you’re stuck actually keeps you stuck).
Words are like magic. They can become the truth, especially when repeated often enough.
When you’re telling yourself that you can’t have your goals (e.g. because there are just way too many problems to solve in between), you're giving instructions to your mind to keep it that way.
When you start telling the opposite, that the sun shines out of your ass, and everything works out in your favor anyway (because, if you’re still reading this, I can bet that your success rate in this lifetime is still at 100%), you’re giving instructions to your mind to keep it that way.
The things you keep repeatedly telling yourself about yourself can become part of your identity. And your identity influences your behaviors, decisions, and how you see challenges (disastrous or mildly entertaining?).
So mind your inner conversation.
Because that shapes over time whether you’re the person who always gets what they want or the person whose every option is blocked by a big scary dragon.
03 Get out of your head, move your body, and be present
I used to be a loud and proud couch potato. Which meant that I pretty much lived inside my head. Which I thought made me smart and creative (yeah, in a way, it did). But it also made me a chronic overthinker (even over the simplest of things) and limited that initial creativity I thought I had.
There’s a reason a lot of people say that when you’re stressed out — move. Take a walk. Get some sun. Take a cold shower. Exercise and sweat it out.
There’s a whole science behind it. And I won’t get into the details.
But from my own experience, moving my body gave me a few things:
Something else to think about (can’t be thinking about my problems when I’m concentrating on not falling on my face in the middle of yoga or losing my momentum when I’m in boxing class).
My body gets really tired, which allows me to relax. And when I’m relaxed, I can train myself to feel safe in the moment. Even appreciate it.
And in that space, when I’m not thinking about my problems or even worrying about whether or not I’m doomed for life — I’ve created space for new thoughts to come in. And with those new thoughts can come ideas. And from those ideas, opportunities. Sometimes without even realizing it.
I become more open.
Ever heard of stories of people finding themselves in the most uncanny situations wherein they find the solutions to their problems because they met some random person in a bar? Or overheard a conversation that sparked an idea?
Some might call it coincidences.
I believe it’s the space that we created to feel safe that allowed us to be more open to receive whatever it is that we needed in the first place. Information (or even opportunities) that’s blocked because we’re too busy thinking about the impossibility of it all.
Honestly, personally… when I was feeling stuck myself, moving my body gave me signs of progress that I desperately needed at that time. Even if they weren’t directly related to my own goals, just seeing changes reminded me that things can move upwards if only I allow myself to notice it. It also reminded me that for things to change, I needed to get off my ass and quit feeling sorry for myself. And keeping my attention there helped me expect more positive changes to come in (vs negative ones). And then when they did, I saw them.
04 Treat your ideas as experiments to try
A lot of the people I talk/ed to started out looking for the one ring to rule them all. The one magic solution that turns things around.
There is no ring. Even Sauron’s rings had flaws and could be destroyed… by hobbits. There is a lesson here somewhere.
My point is, there is no single solution or single idea that is the right one. Nor the wrong one. At least not until you try it will you find out.
But sitting and thinking about whether or not a potential solution is right or wrong will not get you anywhere. Hence stuck.
But seeing what happens when you try it will at best get you closer to your goal (if not to it directly), or at worst, insight, so you can try something differently later on. But it will make you move.
And here is where a lot of people will say, “hope for the best, expect the worst” to minimize disappointment.
I'm going to say the opposite. “Expect the best, always”.
What best means is always up to you. The best can be the result itself, but in its absence, the learning can be the best too.
While hope does spring eternal, I liken it sometimes to motivation. It’s not always there, especially when times are hard. And expecting the worst all the time puts our guard up, and we end up wanting to soften the blow next time, making our ideas feel scarier than they really are. So we wait. For a better idea until nothing feels good enough at all.
But expecting the best all the time keeps our attention on what good might come out of something. We see it, no matter how small it is. And the more we pay attention to it, the bigger it can get.
A lot of us have been trained to “see to believe”. That is we need to see a positive change in our circumstances to be able to believe that we’re out of the woods, or that we’re doing good and are well on our way to having the things we want.
If there’s anything I learned in the last couple of months, it’s this:
to believe is to see it.
We go most of our lives waiting for our circumstances to change before we allow ourselves to feel good. Before we allow ourselves to even think that good things are allowed for us.
So we work hard and harder to change those circumstances. Even go as much as hold our breaths, checking and hoping that that thing we do would finally be it. The one ring to rule them all.
And maybe circumstances do change for the better. And then we believe that good things are here. But it’s fragile. And it only takes the next feedback, the next email (or lack of it), the next wave of uncertainty to shake that belief back into questioning whether or not we’re doing this life and career thing right.
On whether or not the light at the end of the tunnel will show up, if it even exists.
But when we do believe first, we can’t help but just see.
When we believe that we’re lucky, we always get a table at our favourite restaurant sans reservation. When we believe we’re good and capable, the opportunities come. When we believe that everything always works out in our favor, life just can’t help but keep giving us good things to make things better… even the shitty circumstances end up turning out to be the most incredible experiences.
I’m cognizant that we’re not all at equal circumstances. Visa restrictions exist. Illnesses exist. FInancial constraints exist. We’re not all at the same starting point.
But here lies a choice. To spend every waking moment tormenting ourselves with thoughts about how things suck? Or to spend every waking moment lifting our spirits up because of the possibility that a good thing is right around the corner?
Sometimes the fastest way out of a loop we’re stuck in is to stop and change directions. And it doesn’t immediately have to be an action.
Sometimes the most empowering and effective thing we can do is to change the way we think — of ourselves, our circumstances, and yes, also the world.
For the month of August only (while my regular clients are off on holidays), I’m offering single coaching sessions in “pay-what-you-can” format.
You can find out more information and book your session using this link.
I told a friend a while back that my newsletters these days are often love letters to myself. They are. This one included.
A reminder to myself that I don’t have to wait for my circumstances to change to smile at myself in the mirror. In fact, it’s when I started to smile at myself in the mirror that circumstances changed for the better.
Lovelots,
Kax
p.s.
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