I’m writing this straight from the gut. In a week, I’m about to close another personal chapter in my life. Truth be told, I’ve been closing chapter after chapter after chapter since this year started, and I am just feeling tired.
Especially since half of those chapters, I didn’t have the intention to close in the first place. But here we are just the same. So I keep walking.
But isn’t that life?
Chapters closing. Changes.
They just happen. Whether you wanted them to happen or not. Whether you’re ready or not.
I’m not writing this to complain. Nor is this a clean list of things I’ve learned so far (or maybe it is, let’s see how this post ends up).
I’m writing this because I know a lot of you reading this are closing chapters of your own, and it can feel like a lot sometimes. I also know that some of you do want to close some chapters, but the empty page that comes after is daunting AF. I’ve talked to a lot of you in the last 3 weeks to know.
And maybe, hopefully, some of the things that have helped me get through these changes can help you too.
So let’s go.
For the month of August only (while my regular clients are off on holidays), I’m offering single coaching sessions in “pay-what-you-can” format.
You can find out more information and book your session using this link.
01 Feel the feelings (but don’t stay there)
I’ve made 2 mistakes when it came to my feelings.
I avoided it like hell at first. I distracted myself into a frenzy. Thinking that if I kept myself busy enough, the feelings would go away on their own. Spoiler alert: they didn’t. A knot just stayed in my chest that got bigger and bigger and bigger. Until the knot became too big, it just wouldn’t let me ignore it anymore. And the knot exploded. With a boom that left me unable to function for a good long time.
Having learned from that, I swung the extreme opposite way of the pendulum. I leaned into feeling my feelings too much. And the feelings evolved into indifference for everything around me. So I isolated. Which also left me unable to function for a good long time.
Different approaches, similar outcomes for me… i.e., pulling me lower into my rock bottom.
So I found my “happy medium”.
I acknowledged the emotions. Named my feelings, found it in my body, etc. Mindfulness/Somatic practices have been insanely helpful for me. Allowing me to observe just what the hell is going on that’s making the moment difficult.
I didn’t run away. I didn’t put it on maximum volume either. I observed it.
And observing is such a powerful thing to do. Observing allowed me to create the space to ask myself questions after that helped me get out of my stupor.
What is it that’s missing right now?
Can I give it to myself?
What can help?
Often the answers are simple: movement, water, a nap. A funny meme or a phone call with a friend.
Enough to let the emotions pass, clear my head again, and get me back to my baseline so I can make intentional decisions. Versus reacting (which has often led to disastrous outcomes… sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively).
Something I also stopped doing was attaching my identity to the emotion.
I am not sad. I am simply feeling sadness.
I am not lonely. I am feeling isolated.
I am not my emotions. I am the person experiencing something.
There are some nuances to this, of course. But just creating this distance between who I am and what I am experiencing or feeling helped me understand that whatever it is that’s happening is temporary and will pass sooner or later. Usually sooner.
02 Watch your input
A lot of friends know that I’ve taken a social media hiatus… more or less. Granted I’m still on LinkedIn but mostly to post and rarely to read.
Why?
Because a lot of the things that are being shown to me just bring me more of the doom-and-gloom feelings that I’m already sinking in. Often, unintentionally.
Whatever feed I’m lost in, something is always collapsing. The job market, humanity, the currency. EVERYTHING is collapsing. These days, apparently, even Substack is collapsing.
And it pulls me down even more. Eventually, without even realizing it, I’m feeling hopeless, and the entire world is to blame. And there’s no way to get out of this. Or even if there is, I’m just not equipped to do it.
Is it true, though?
It’s quite tempting to get lost in something that makes you feel “seen” or “understood” or “validated”. Or even something that takes you away, even for a moment, from the problem you’re facing.
I remember this one webinar I attended from a person whose expertise is in neuroscience where she talked about when we’re scrolling endlessly, we actually put ourselves unintentionally in a state of trance — which makes our subconscious open to subliminal training. So the question is, what are we training our minds on?
While I’m not saying stop reading the news, I’m saying be mindful about your consumption. Even reading endless self-help content can quickly turn into subtle “I’m not enough” cues.
Especially when you’re NOT in a good place.
If it’s not making you feel inspired. If it’s not lifting your spirits up (especially when you need it the most), it might not be good to be up to your eyeballs in it.
When you’re in a vulnerable place, be intentional about what you consume. Actually, even when you’re not.
What am I consuming these days?
On LinkedIn? I just watch out for posts from friends so I can congratulate them. I give myself 5 minutes to go through some posts from specific thought leaders and that’s pretty much it.
On Substack? I curated my feed to show me animals, science experiments, LOTR memes, and old Tumblr posts that are still circulating.
If I want to read more, I pick up a book. Preferably fiction. Preferably with magic. And where the main character becomes the hero they’ve always been since Page 1.
Go figure.
03 Watch what you’re telling yourself
Do you have inner conversations? I do.
I talk to myself a lot. A LOT.
I got tasked by my own coach one day to pay attention to the conversations I’m having in my head. And boy, they were a shit show. I found that:
I’m arguing with people in my head. Also with myself. People suck. I sucked. In my head.
I’m complaining a lot about everything in my head.
I found one million reasons for why things will keep on sucking and none for why they will turn around.
If there was a transcription for all the inner talk I was doing, you would think that I was living in a post-apocalyptic society and that I’m fighting for food rations or something worse.
My inner conversation became the filter for how I saw the world in front of me. Dim. Grim. Brutal. Hopeless.
And even worse, it became the filter for how I saw myself. Not enough. Not capable. And other things that I will not list out because remembering those just makes me want to go back in time and hug myself and apologize for how little I thought of myself.
The work started when I had to change these inner conversations.
And while I didn’t go from 0 to 100 on Day 1, just making small changes started bringing in the good things I’ve been desperately looking for.
What did I do?
I started telling myself that I’m awesome.
I stopped arguing with people in my head. I also stopped complaining about them.
I started giving myself reasons for why my day was actually good (vs the shit show I used to believe it was).
This exercise made me realize that I didn’t have to wait for my circumstances to “improve” to start thinking differently about myself and the world. In fact, thinking differently about myself and the world was what brought in the improvement in my circumstances.
More concretely, as soon as I stopped telling myself that I wasn’t good enough, I found the courage and confidence to make the decisions that I used to find a million excuses for to procrastinate on. As soon as I started appreciating what was present in front of me, the sooner I was able to spot more experiences that I could give myself to lift myself up.
04 Imagine the best for yourself
Allow yourself to experience your perfect day. Allow yourself to imagine a life wherein all of your desires are already yours.
Imagine being in it already. Imagine it already being your actual life right now.
Often we’re experts at overthinking the worst-case scenarios. Even reframing questions ask, “What’s the worst that can happen?”
And sure, they’re helpful, but we’re great at minimizing risks. We can also stand to be great at maximizing potential.
We’re trained to think that consequences are inevitable. One way or another.
What if we start also believing that rewards are inevitable? One way or another.
People who come to coaching calls sometimes share that they’re missing motivation. And while I agree that discipline beats motivation every single time, I think not having motivation can also be translated to not being anchored to a personal vision.
Even companies have vision! And we’ve been trained enough to know why this is important. So why don’t we have this for ourselves?
A few reasons that have come up:
Not knowing if it’s the right vision. To which I say, start with what you know and change it over time.
Feeling delusional about it. To which I say, when we’re imagining the worst-case scenarios, often we’re not being realistic either. Why should we be realistic about the best-case scenarios?
We spend a lot of our time in our imagination (see point 3). At least make it a pleasant place to be in.
And more than just creating a pleasant place in our heads, it also has other rewards:
It generates a different set of emotions that give off a different energy. (i.e. different from the doom and gloom that unwarranted or unpleasant change can bring in)
You train your mind to think and expect differently. Which can have a huge influence on your thoughts, ideas, and decisions (same thing with overthinking the worst-case scenario, btw)
If you’re going to overthink something, might as well overthink the best. Worst-case scenario, you feel something different, something better during those moments you’re imagining. Best case, you actually see it unfold in front of you.
Besides, what’s there to lose?
05 Create your own joy
Seriously.
Do the thing that makes you laugh from your belly, or at the very least, smile a bit.
Make space for it.
I’m guilty of when I’m in the middle of uncertainty and change, I live in my head. Forcing ideas and solutions out, hoping one of them will be the one solution to rule them all. Instead, I just create clutter in my mind and more stress for my soul.
Sometimes taking the time to do something that can make you feel good is just the relaxing moment you need to push out the ideas you’re looking for.
And a lot has been said about how relaxing actually brings about great ideas.
But if you’re anything like me, relaxing is the last thing I want to do. Or even could do, even when I needed it. Learning to be still is important (and one I can write a whole post about later on), but when you’re in the middle of feeling all of the doom and gloom, sometimes that laughter, wonder, or delight is what’s needed.
Me?
I went to art class
I made friends with grandpas having coffee in the plaza
I let my friends make me laugh
I did improv
I had all the good wine and cake that Barcelona has to offer
Doing ridiculous things and allowing myself to feel ridiculous makes me feel good. I could laugh out loud. And when the days were extra hard? At least, I couldn’t stop myself from smiling (even if laughter was nowhere to be found).
And then finally, relaxation happened. As in literally. My body followed where my mind was.
And then soon enough, the solution followed.
Is it magic? I’d like to think it is. Because I believe in magic.
Simply put, relaxing just opened my eyes to more opportunities that I couldn’t see before through my doom-and-gloom filter.
Technically speaking, change is neutral. And natural. It’s happening to us all the time too, whether we notice it or not.
But we’re humans, and some changes can suck and feel scary at the same time. But no matter how much we resist it or deny it, even, it’s still going to be there.
And for me, especially, the last few months, whatever the change is and whatever steps are needed from me to move forward there was always a first choice first that I needed to make:
Let this change dictate who I am and how my life is?
Or
Let who I am dictate what this change means for me and how my life will look like moving forward?
I will always choose the 2nd one.
What about you?
For the month of August only (while my regular clients are off on holidays), I’m offering single coaching sessions in “pay-what-you-can” format.
You can find out more information and book your session using this link.
In my last newsletter, I confessed that my newsletters these days are often love letters to myself. This is still one of them.
A reminder to myself that I don’t have to wait for my circumstances to change to smile at myself in the mirror. In fact, it’s when I started to smile at myself in the mirror that circumstances changed for the better.
I hope you find these love letters adding a bit more joy and hope to your days too, wherever you are.
Lovelots,
Kax
p.s.
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