Be the Main Character and Creator of Your Own Life Movie
The question is, what kind of movie have you decided your life to be?
A few weeks ago, I was having drinks with a friend, and we were talking about our shared perspective that we were the main characters of our lives/life movie.
Ever since I was a kid, I always wondered about how I can’t see myself but I can see everyone else. How when I’m standing, I can only see my hands, my feet, maybe the tip of my nose, but nothing more. But when I’m looking at somebody, I can see their entire selves. I thought I was living in a 1stP RPG and I was running the whole thing.
When I got older, I started thinking more and more about how a lot of things seem to be going on in my head. How I’m the only one experiencing my thoughts and feelings, regardless of how many people I tell. How I’m making up 90% of who I think people are and what circumstances mean only in my head — which pretty much dictates every thought and feeling I have from there. And how every person around plays a role to either help me through my plot twists OR cause it.
Years later, I started playing with what I can have in my movie. I decided which roles I wanted to have. Worked. I decided that I would move to the other side of the planet. Worked. I decided that I would make a name for myself in the industry in all the ways that mattered to me. Worked. I also decided that I would never ever send a CV to apply for a job ever again AND still get interviews. Also worked.
Being the main character of my life movie, I knew I could expect great things. All main characters end up being triumphant in the end, after all.
Unfortunately, at the same time, I didn’t exactly see my life movie as anything like Sesame Street. I spent my free time watching Felicity, Grey’s Anatomy, One Tree Hill episodes over and over and over again. I identified with Rob Gordon from High Fidelity and Kathleen Kelly from You’ve Got My Mail. Even Fern Gully and The Land Before Time had major plot twists.
I might be the hero in my life movie, BUT I was definitely wired for drama.
So in between the good stuff? There were definitely a lot of moments I would find myself on the floor bawling my guts out OR on my hairdresser’s chair, making questionable choices about my hair. Did I decide on them, too? The drama, not just the crying nor the hair. Maybe. Subconsciously, perhaps. At least a huge percentage of them, if not all.
Which is a hard pill to swallow. So I didn’t.
I stopped writing my script and outsourced the creation of my life movie to everything else outside of me.
Something shitty happened? Mercury must be in the microwave or some planet is having a tantrum.
Big decision that needs to happen? Let me pull up my tarot cards or ask whatever entity is out there supposedly looking out for me for advice.
Huge upheaval in my life? My soul contract’s fault. Or the universe is trying to tell me something that I’d need a huge chunk of my life to figure out what.
I was the main character of my movie, alright, but I was definitely not in the writer’s seat of my script. Which sucked ass and was completely disempowering.
Am I saying that none of these esoteric things are true? Not at all. That’s up to you to decide. Me? I still think there’s some insight in there, but I started seeing a different angle to it (but that’s a different story).
The thing is (yes, there’s always a thing), I might have accepted that I’m the main character of my life movie, but I didn’t want to accept that I’m also the creator and scriptwriter of it.
Why? Because it’s a lot of accountability. It means taking accountability for the shitty things that have happened, too. On top of celebrating the bright and shiny ones.
Taking the passive approach is easy. Painful but easy. You can still be the main character of your life movie. But you’re not creating it. So when shitty things happen, it’s easier to be at the mercy of the circumstances, lament about one’s luck (or the lack of it), or something else. And just wait for things to turn around, one day… hopefully.
Taking the active approach is harder. Rewarding AF, and can eventually get easier as you get used to it — but the initial writing process can be brutal. And when shitty things happen, and you have to take a long hard look at the script you wrote? Even MORE brutal. But the reward you can reap after makes it so much worth it.
And I could go into a long discussion on how this doesn’t make the world blameless, but that’s a different newsletter. And I’d rather focus on what YOU can do to create the best movie ever.
A lot has been said about being in the driver’s seat of your life. Know what you want and take the bull by the horns to have it. On the other side of that advice, there’s a lot of things being said about how getting everything you want is a lie sold to make us work harder.
And then where does that leave some of us? In between not knowing whether it’s actually ok to want more or if wanting more is a bad thing. With a dash of “can I actually have it?” or is having everything that we want reserved for the lucky few who always seem to be at the right place at the right time?
What does this have to do with being the main character and creator of your life?
I have a friend who, ever since I met her, has been telling the whole world (and by default, herself) that she’s super lucky and wins every contest there ever is. And it’s true. For as long as I’ve known her, she’s won every Instagram raffle she’s ever entered. She’s won the best prizes in company Christmas parties. And always wins whatever is being given away by banks, malls, airlines. Upgrades? She wins those, too.
I have another friend who’s mantra in life is “everything’s always going to be fine”. He once quit his job to take a bet on himself and start a company with virtual strangers and in a matter of 2 years, sold that startup with amazing conditions. Another time, the company he was working for was going through a major reorg and his role was impacted, he got signed to join another company even before he crossed his Ts and dotted his Is… without looking for a replacement role. And this was during what was perceived to be the worst time for his segment, when everybody thought it was a dead horse that outlived its promise.
I could write more examples of people I know who ALWAYS get what they want but I’d need another couple of months to finish writing their stories.
On flip side, I have friends who always seem to be unlucky. They don’t think they’re good enough, deserving (yet), or feel ready for the things that they want and they don’t get it. I have friends who put so much weight on what other people might think about them that they never go after what they want, and then lament about how they’re feeling stuck.
Is it positive thinking alone? High vibes and all that?
I definitely know people who are the most negative people I’ve ever met. Thinks the world is going to shit. People in power are full of shit. The market and the industry are shit. AND yet, opportunities always seem to fall into their laps without even trying. So what’s their deal? They might think that a lot of things are full of shit, they still expect the best things to happen to them.
Is it all in our heads then? Perhaps. But it definitely starts there.
From the moment we open our eyes in the morning to the moment we close them again when we go to sleep at night, we’re playing a character we wrote for ourselves. And expect the things that this character would expect. We’re repeating the story that supports this character’s plot to ourselves and make it a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I’ve worked with clients who started our coaching together believing that they’re going to have a hard time looking for roles because the market is tough right now and the competition is shitty.
Are they wrong? Not exactly. But the question is how do they see themselves in this movie?
Not good enough to compete. Not having the right experiences, credentials, or skills to be considered. Not senior enough. And the list is long. Point is, they see themselves as not good enough.
That’s the character they’re playing.
I’ve also worked with clients who are working to get promoted to leadership or be seen as a competent leader. They don’t believe they’re there yet because of what people has been telling them. Working to “upgrade” their skills on isolated points of improvement, hoping that if they work on those things hard enough, the feedback will turn around.
Is the feedback they’re getting wrong? Not exactly. But the question is how do they see themselves in their movie?
Not good enough to be seen as a good leader. Not strategic enough. Not influential enough. Not a good communictor yet. Not a good enough collaborator. And until they work on these things… not enough.
Am I saying they shouldn’t work on these things? Not at all.
BUT they can keep working on these things now and it CAN work and still be working on these things later because the story will forever remain with every role they want to get or however they want to move forward with their career.
They’re working to become the person who always needs to improve. Rinse and Repeat.
And THAT is exhausting.
And while it is not a bad thing to want improvement, the question is from what lens are we seeking those improvements from? The lens of the main character who always gets what they want OR the lens of the main character who struggles to get what they want?
What if the improvement we seek is not the skill upgrade but the way we see ourselves first?
What changes then?
What if we wake up in the morning stepping into the character of the person who always gets what they want? What would you expect from life to give you?
How would this impact the stories you tell:
yourself and what you expect to happen to you? Would they be stories of triumph or stories of how things are always hard?
others and what value you put on the table? Would they be stories of how lucky they would be to work with you or would you be covering up your perceived gaps (and then highlight them even more along the way?)
how would you see “rejection”? Would it be another opportunity not choosing you OR another opportunity to find something better that fits what you want in the first place?
Stepping into the character you wanted to be in the first place won’t make you stop wanting to improve on certain skills.
But it WILL make you approach improvement from a different lens.
Wanting a leadership role? You’d approach communication not from a place of “I’m just not good at it” but from a place of “how can I make my message clearer so people will feel more confident about the direction we’re going?”
Looking for a job? You’d approach writing your CV or posting on LinkedIn not from a place of “how can I be chosen?” but from a place of “I’m an expert at this and I think people can gain a lot from my perspective”.
Same task. Different lens. Because different character who’s following a script that they’d want to play out in the first place.
And would this character allow Mercury being in the microwave dictate what they can or cannot do during this time OR would they use this information to chill AND think some things through?
Is it simple? Absolutely!
Is it easy? It can be if you want it to be.
Try it out:
Decide - Who do you want to be? What kind of character do you want to play? And what movie are you starring in?
Step into the role - Be that character. How would they think? How would they interpret things? What mindset will they make their decisions from? What kind of things will they expect to happen for their movie?
Rehearse and Repeat - If this character expects ease? Bring in Ease! If this character expects joy? Bring in the experiences that expects joy. If this character expects wins? Bring in the experiences that call in the win.
Normalize this character for you. A lot of the mental fitness and neuroplasticity thought pieces these days talk about visualization, affirmations, making small moves. They’re not wrong.
Your mind does need to get used to this story you want to live out and this character you want to play. So it can start bringing in the big outcomes you want in the first place.
So start counting your wins! There are no small ones.
Start acknowledging those moments when you’ve played out your character (and no, they don’t have to be perfect).
Persist in the script you wrote for yourself.
Make it so normal for yourself that this is your script, and it will be. And it will be easy.
When I started my coaching business, I called it “Build What Feels Good”. At first, because I thought it sounded cool.
I said my mission was to help people stop wanting to punch people in the face on Mondays, because I also thought it sounded cool.
And they both are. I gave myself pats on the back everytime I thought it was cool.
But underneath all that, it’s true. I do want to help people build what feels good. Yes, technically speaking, I help people get promoted, land their roles, gain more influence in their careers…
But at the back of my work is this: I help people really step into the character they want to play AND write the script to the movie they want to be in. Because THAT’s what feels good.
I help people BE the CAUSE of their lives. And enjoy being that CAUSE. So when the effect comes, they can be like: “Yeah I expected that to happen, anyway”.
I’m not saying that everything got this perfectly from Day 1. It is work. It’s work to decide to be somebody different in the beginning of the day, and persist in that character and that script in the middle, and see what happened at the end of the day from that lens. And it’s work to do it again the next day.
It is work to take back the power from the rest of the world to decide what you’re capable of, what you’re good for, and what you’re allowed to have.
It’s work to actively and consitently make meaning of what’s right in front of you and spin it to your favor so you can keep moving forward with your chin held high and your shoulders relaxed.
But the reward? Absolutely worth it.
And THIS is the character and script I wrote for myself. Maybe I’ll do a rewrite somewhere down the line when I start wanting something else…
But for now? This is it. And I wake up every morning with the decision that this is my movie and this is my role. And I’m loving it.
I’d love to help you define the character you want to play AND write the script to the movie you want to live. But honestly, that’s the easy part.
What I would love to help you more on is to persist in this script you’ve written and this character you’ve decided to be
So if this hit a spot? Let’s chat!
Kax
p.s.
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