What are the core skills every PM should master?

It was one of my favourite sessions out of all the sessions I’ve attended because of the rich responses that everybody shared. And because I felt that the responses were so good, I’d share what everybody talked about here so you can take value from it, too.

Important to note that these responses don’t just apply to Product Managers. I believe every function, whether or not you’re working in tech, can find these valuable too.

So let’s get to it!

side note: If you’re a woman in Product, I’d highly recommend joining the Ladies in Product community!

01 Follow the Money

People talk a lot about knowing the impact of the product you’re building. But a lot of the impact we usually talk about is impact on the end users. And while that’s not wrong, it IS missing an important half of the role that we do as Product people.

Yes, we’re supposed to bring value to users by solving their problems. BUT let’s not forget that by solving problems, we’re supposed to bring value to the business, too.

So as early as now, figure out how what you’re building is contributing to the business’s goals… money-wise. How much money is your product bringing in? How much money is your product and team costing? What’s the ROI?

The sooner you do this and make this part of your conversations, the sooner you can have richer conversations with your stakeholders (who are likely already thinking about money) and your leadership (who are definitely already thinking about money).

You can bring a whole new dimension to prioritization with using potential monetary value as an input.

The truth also is, the higher you go up the ladder, money becomes your concern and your call. So the sooner you get comfortable about incorporating money, talking about money, etc… the sooner you’ll speak with influence, prioritize with more confidence, and even argue your perspective with more meat because you’re doing it now from the dimension of the users AND the business (and the technology even, if you have that context).

02 Expand your way of thinking

A lot of people will say that you need to be more strategic or get good at communication, but I believe that you can get good at those things if you get good at your thinking.

And the best way to get good at thinking is to expand it through diversifying your input.

Go beyond your team, go beyond your organization and business, heck go beyond your market/industry.

Learn different ways of thinking and seeing things so you can build even more perspectives about how things can work. There’s not just one way things can go. There are millions.

The more perspectives you can filter through, the more opportunities you’ll see.

I wrote more about this in last week’s newsletter.

03 Build relationships + Learn how to influence

This is always talked about but needs emphasis all the time. Especially since politics will always be part of the “building companies” game. And a lot of people shy away from it (if not completely avoid it) because politics has always had a dirty association. Politics has been seen as manipulation.

But the way I see it is that politics is really about gaining influence.

And influence is more subtle. You don’t gain influence just by being the best person in the room with the strongest ideas or arguments.

You gain influence because people feel that they can trust you.

And the truth is that influence is what gets you climbing the ladder if that’s what you’re after. You’ll need people to listen to you if you want to move the organization towards a certain direction. But people will likely listen to somebody who makes them feel heard, seen, and considered. Somebody they trust.

The wider and stronger the relationships you build are, the more opportunities you’ll end up opening for yourself. Inside and outside your organization.

As a friend said, relationships + influence compound over time. It’ll be the gift that keeps on giving.

Case 1: Some of my clients are getting opportunities for work not through applying for roles but through their network. They’re having conversations with people they’ve worked with about open opportunities in their friends’ organizations, allowing them to bypass a lot of steps in the normal hiring process.

Case 2: Another client got promoted less than one year of joining the company even if the policy (and even the VP) clearly said that’s not possible. But the relationships they’ve built with their stakeholders and the good feedback they’ve gotten from the senior stakeholders they work with got them bypassing the policy.

I created a mini coaching guide on how to create trust and build influence here.

04 Learn to be flexible

I personally love this, and this point was what we returned to over and over again the entire night.

We all know this; the reality of building products differs from company to company. It even differs from team to team inside the SAME company.

And things never stay the same. Reorgs happen. New strategies are introduced every quarter. Somebody new joins the team because somebody left. And so on and so forth.

Be single-minded about the vision. But let go of your grip on the how and the when.

To grip our own definition of how things should go so tightly only creates stress and frustration, which can limit your perspective and hinder you from finding solutions that matter over time. Not to mention it can make you sick.

Being flexible asks you to be curious about the why behind the things that are happening.

And I love what Lucia mentioned in a Linkedin comment discussion, too. It helps you separate your identity from work. The changes that are happening, the way things go, are not a definition of who you are nor of your worth and value.

05 Know your strengths and learn to take advantage of them

An old manager of mine always used to tell me, we get more ROI from using our strengths than we do spending time trying to fill in our gaps.

The thing is that a lot of us don’t even know what our strengths are. We usually discount what comes easy or natural for us as not that. But that’s exactly what strengths are. They come easy and natural.

So find out what comes easy for you. Find out how you would naturally untangle your knots. And experiment with how you can expand its usage. Can you use your strengths to solve problems, build relationships, see opportunities?

We spend a lot of time running after things that we can get better at. And while that’s not wrong, it's also a lot of time and energy to invest. Especially when we’re so good at spotting things that we think we need to be better at and focus there.

Sometimes the best course of action is to get clear on the problem to solve and see the many ways it can already be solved and acknowledge that the solution might already be present.

The more we get better at using our strengths, the more we can actually create space for ourselves to improve on other things vs trying to manage an existing problem and learning how to solve it at the same time.

07 Get good at taking care of yourself and at trusting yourself

Very related to the previous point. You are already amazing at what you do, and you’re just getting better and better every day in all the ways that truly matter.

Trust that you can always make the best decision to the best of your abilities at any given point in time.

Trust that whatever happens, you’ll always land on your feet.

Trust that your value and your worth are something you decide on and not on the circumstances that are unfolding in front of you.

Trusting yourself becomes easier when you’re also good at taking care of yourself. When you’re aware of what you truly need, and you can give it to yourself first.

Give yourself rest. Give yourself joy. And give yourself confidence.

When you’re able to zoom out from your situation, you’re able to see more. When you can widen your perspectives, you can spot more opportunities. When you trust yourself, you can confidently take those opportunities you’ve seen.

08 Create space for stillness and spaciousness

The cognitive load these days are real. We’re all being pushed to do more and produce more because now we can. Context switching is at an all-time high. The irony of being overloaded in your mind is that it makes it harder to think more. It just makes you think narrowly.

Creative and critical thinking needs space in your mind. And stillness creates space.

It might feel counterintuitive to actually pause and take a step back, but it’s actually what’s necessary to be able to move forward with clarity and confidence. So find time to quiet your mind. Find time to just observe the thoughts that are crowding in your head and learn to identify which one needs to be let go. Create the space for perspective to come in.

Get good at these things, and you can always figure out a way to thrive whether it’s as a PM or something else.

Get good at these things and the “Age of AI” becomes less scary and less frustrating, and it just becomes another thing that’s happening to the industry regardless of what people are publishing left and right.

Get good at these things, and you can navigate the infinite cycles of change that will always be present whether in your life or in your career.

We're always told to get good at prioritizing, get good at being strategic, or improve our communication. But the way I see it, these things are tools. They’re important, especially for people building products, BUT these skills are only as good as the foundation we use them with. Our core.

There are probably more that should be added to this list, but we only had one hour in that session and ran out of time. Lol.

Are there more you would like to add to this list? Share them in the comments below.

I help Product, Engineering, Design, and other functional experts working in Tech not only become effective leaders but also be the leaders they aspire to be, minus the existential crisis and risk of burnout.

I have open 1:1 coaching spots right now. So if you’re

• preparing for your first leadership role

• struggling and want to get better at navigating your first time leadership life

• feeling stuck and want to figure out what’s next for you in your career

I’d love to be your partner in crime and collaborate with you to build a career that feels good for YOU.

So let’s chat.

Book a Discovery Call

p.s.

My newsletter will always be free. But if you find my posts helpful to you and your career goals, you might consider leaving me a tip/buying me a coffee :)

I was excited for many reasons:

1. It’s career progression. It felt like the most natural step for me after having been Senior PM/Product Lead (without direct reports, though) for so long, according to any org chart that I’ve seen for most of my career.

2. The prospect of finally being able to make decisions and having bigger influence/impact in the organization! I thought I could finally get my way!

3. Mentoring the PMs more junior than I was. It was so cool to think that I was responsible for shaping the new generation of Product Managers.

When I finally got it, it was less glamorous than the picture I’ve painted in my head. For so many reasons, too:

1. There was always somebody who was unhappy with something for one reason or another. And they all expected me to do something about it. Whether it was somebody from my team or their stakeholders, my own peers, my manager or their stakeholders, my manager’s manager or their stakeholders. The concerns I’ve had to deal with suddenly came from all levels.

2. The immense amount of context I had to pay attention to felt overwhelming. Not only did I have to be aware of the business context of the entire company, now I had to connect the dots between that and my entire part of the organization’s product and their impact (vs before when I was mostly aware of my product’s impact).

3. The changes in the organization were no longer just for me and my immediate team to deal with, I had to help my side of the organization deal with it too — which includes both logistical/practical AND emotional help.

4. And while I WAS able to make more decisions as a leader, the amount of alignment that those decisions needed was 100x bigger than they used to be. And when some decisions came with very little information/context/precedent, the fear of making wrong decisions was gripping. The accountability + logistics of decisions became so much bigger.

5. The amount of meetings I felt like I needed to be part blew up a million fold. The amount of 1:1s I had to do was insane. I was helping my team grow in their career ON TOP of helping them create significant business impact. Then there were the 1:1s with my peers because there was always internal situations for us to deal with together. Then there were the meetings with stakeholders, the leadership group, the rituals for my side of the organization to create a sense of team (not to mention alignment and synergies). Man. I was in meetings for the most part of the day, I felt like I needed to work extra hours just to get my own shit done.

Don’t get me wrong, I had so much fun. And I was grateful I’ve had really great senior leaders around me (on top of my direct manager) who helped me navigate my change. The salary increase was also sweet, not going to lie. And my reputation in the industry exploded (in a good way!).

But the stress was making me extremely short-tempered, extremely tired all the time, and have zero appetite for other things in my life.

Every piece of feedback I received felt like an attack on my person, whether it was about me and my leadership or how the meeting rooms were always full.

I don’t regret becoming the Head of Product. Quite the opposite. I’m glad I got it. It helped me grow in so many ways which was what I was looking for in the first place.

But there ARE things I wish I knew when I started. As much as there WERE things that I was already good at that helped me feel less like a headless chicken.

So if you’re preparing for your first leadership role now, let me share a few things that have helped me navigate the role and what’s helping my coaching clients become more effective leaders themselves + enjoy the ride.

Things to help you prepare for your first leadership role

1. Know the business you are in inside and out. Truly understand how your company makes money. As in:

   1. How the company’s current goals and strategies are intended to help the company grow.

   2. How the company could be losing money and why.

   3. Who are the competitors, where is the indutry going, what are the opportunities and risks, even regulations that could have an impact on what you’re doing, etc. Not at just the company level now but at an industry level.

2. Familiarize yourself with the different products that are being built in your company and how they’re contributing to the company making money.

   1. Know how they’re contributing to the company’s goals one way or another.

   2. Familiarize yourself with their strategy/roadmap if they have a separate one. You don’t have to memorize it but know what’s important for them and why.

3. Familiarize yourself with the different teams that are building things in your company. And start building a relationship with them, if you haven’t yet.

   1. Get to know them. Understand what makes their team good, how they work, how they solve problems, as well as what makes them tick.

   2. Every team usually has an “unofficial” influencer. The person that everybody trusts the most. Get to know who those people are and understand why they’re the person most people look up to.

   3. Get to know people’s strengths and opportunities. What are people good at? What are their areas for growth? What are their goals?

4. Speak up more.

   1. Start speaking with people you’re not used to speaking with. That may include future peers, future stakeholders, and especially people way above your paygrade. Start building relationships with these people. The sooner you do, the sooner you build trust.

   2. Get used to sharing your opinions. But also get used to sharing them with perspective and language that’s expected from the level you’re intending to be in. If that’s leadership, it’s gotta be strategic, coming from a company/business perspective — and not just from your product’s pov.

   3. Get used to speaking in front a room full of people who will ask you questions, give you feedback in public, and you might not have the answer on the top of your head. Get comfortable with that situation.

5. Get out of the building. Literally. Get input that’s beyond your company walls. There are a lot of things to learn from.

   1. Build relationships with people outside of your company. They might be in the same industry, doing the role you’re aspiring to have, etc. They don’t necessarily have to be product people. They can be founders/entrepreneurs, experts in the field, investors, etc.

   2. Go beyond your industry, your country, your continent? How are products being built and sold for other markets?

6. Build a great relationship with your new best friend, uncertainty. There are many ways to do this, but uncertainty will be pretty much part of your day dressed in different clothes. Reorgs, hiring, promotions/salary calibrations, a new 5-year strategy at the start of every fiscal year. The sooner you learn to keep calm throughout these things and stop holding your breath for potential fall out, the sooner you can look forward to the amazing opportunities that are waiting for you on the other side. Bonus, you can help your team, your peers, walk through uncertainty with their backs straight and their chins held high alongside you.

7. Spend time thinking about what kind of leader you want to be. Go beyond thinking “being strategic” or “having impact”. Be more specific.

   1. What kind of feedback do you want to be receiving?

   2. If you’re already the ideal leader you already are: How would you be dealing with unfavourable circumstances? What would you be celebrating with your team?

   3. What’s your personal definition of success?

If you’ll notice, I didn’t include in this list anything around upskilling on strategy, communication, or other similar skills that are asked for in leadership.

That’s on purpose.

They’re critical skills, obviously. But those skills are only as good as your input is and what you’ve normalized for yourself.

And the list above is about expanding your sources of input so you can expand your way of thinking. As well as reducing areas of unknown so your focus is on what’s at stake, so you don’t have to be learning so many things at the same time.

Is this a foolproof or even exhaustive plan? Not at all. But it’s a plan that gives you space for when you’re onboarding to the role.

Think of it this way:

• By the time you’re having your 1:1s with your direct reports, you already know a lot about them, maybe including their goals, so you can focus on learning how to be a manager vs also learning about the people you’re managing.

• By the time you need to figure out how to get multiple teams to collaborate with each other, you already know what people are building, how their teams work, and maybe even have a great relationship with their manager so you don’t have to spend a lot of time building trust AT THE SAME TIME as gaining alignment on something complex.

• By the time you have to create a strategy that wins, you already have multiple sources of information, varied perspectives of the market, etc.

The output is only as good as the input is. And scrambling to get good at producing a good output that can pave the way of a good outcome, while you’re reaching for as much input as possible can burn you out faster than the next reorg.

And if you’re positioning yourself for consideration to be a leader? Having all of these input at hand, exposing yourself to different environments and perspectives, and more — the way you communicate and with whom will naturally change, the trust you build with other people will naturally expand your influence inside and outside of your organization, the way you think about the business and the opportunities it can explore will naturally expand.

You start embodying the leader you want to be, and other people can see you for it. Thereby increasing your chances considerably of getting into the role sooner rather than later.

And once you have it, it gives you space to enjoy your new role more vs constantly second-guessing if you’re doing it right.

I help new and aspiring leaders in Product, Engineering, Design, and other functional experts working in Tech not only become effective leaders but also be the leaders they aspire to be, minus the existential crisis and risk of burnout.

I have open 1:1 coaching spots right now. So if you’re preparing for your first leadership role or already are in it, I’d love to be your partner in making this journey more fun for you. So let’s chat.

Book a Discovery Call

Kax

p.s.

My newsletter will always be free. But if you find my posts helpful to you and your career goals, you might consider leaving me a tip/buying me a coffee :)

And the rebuttal is that it’s not that they need to become more disciplined to get their asses to the gym more; it’s that they need to become the person who enjoys going to the gym, or the person who is fit, or any other version of a person who will just naturally go to the gym because it’s part of who they are.

This topic has been living rent-free in my brain for a long time now since it’s a huge part of my coaching. And it’s been a huge part of my life.

After all, the premise is that the world we’re living in, the reality we perceive, is mostly a mirror of who we are being. That the successes we collect and the challenges we face are merely feedback for us to assess who we are being at any given moment.

Personally, my RAS has been working overtime to show me this topic more and more:

• On LinkedIn, where mental fitness is now dominating my algorithm vs AI

• On Substack, where identity-driven personal development posts have finally suppressed posts about how to grow their Substack subscribers in 30 days

• On Reddit, where the woo-woo subs I follow are talking nonstop about identity and state-driven manifestation

Note: When I ask myself who I am being now that these posts seem to be all over my feed, the answer seems to be — I’m being somebody who is growing my coaching toolkit to help my clients achieve their goals. lol

Why is this important?

The majority of my coaching clients come to work with me for the following reasons:

• They’re looking for a new job/promotion but struggling to get it

• They’re looking to improve their relationship with their stakeholders and/or gain more influence in their organization

• They’re feeling stuck where they are but don’t know where they want to be next (much less get there)

And then they have a long list of reasons for why they haven’t achieved their goals yet. Usually includes:

1. Not enough experience

2. They need to improve on something first

3. Circumstances or people are blocking them from what they want

But when I ask them, “Why should they hire/promote/follow you?” The pause before the answer, the response that sounds like a question, or the struggle to come up with even 3 reasons for why they should get what they want is very telling.

Some might say, because I deserve it. Ok, cool — but why? The same pause, invisible question mark, or struggle usually will come up.

When clients come to me looking for work, their search is already accompanied with so much anxiety about how the market sucks, the competition is brutal, the opportunities are less, etc.

They usually look for strategies on how to make their CV stand out, their LinkedIn profile flawless, and their interview answers impeccable.

To be honest, optimizing these things is the easy part. But when the identity behind these optimizations is still coming from a place of proving that they’re worthy — one point in the process will fail. They might even get the job, but still struggle IN it.

The people who want to get a promotion are pretty much the same. They try to prove that they’re worthy only to end up buried neck deep in more work that they took on, hoping it would make them look great. Or they end up head-to-head with nearly all of their stakeholders or their team because they’re trying to be heard so they can be seen as more strategic or something.

So what’s one to do then?

Ask yourself, who are you being behind these actions?

Are you being the person who IS ALREADY a kick-ass Product Manager (or insert your ideal role) and who is an asset to any team or organization they will join?

Are you being the person who IS ALREADY a strategic and effective leader who can help their team enable their organization to achieve its goals?

Are you being the person who knows they can be successful in anything they set their eyes on?

Because when you ARE, the stories you use to share your expertise and how you show up in interviews become very different. The way you interact with your stakeholders and present to the organization changes too.

And most importantly, for me at least, the meaning you give to things like the question the senior director asked during the meeting or the feedback you received from your team, or any challenge you end up facing becomes less about a gap you need to fill and becomes more of an invitation to explore what perceptions you might be having about the circumstance in front of you.

And when this exploration is met with curiosity (even excitement), you might find that the thing you’re trying to achieve can actually be easier to have than you originally thought it could be.

Let me share some examples:

01 One of my previous clients wanted to look for a job elsewhere because she felt she was being overlooked in her current company for opportunities, but she was struggling to get interviews.

The identity she was unconsciously holding was that she was not good enough yet hence, she couldn’t move up in her current organization.

Tbh, her CV was pretty impressive. I didn’t even ask her to change anything apart from nitpicking details. BUT what was tripping her up was when she was applying for roles. She hesitated to apply to the roles she found interesting and fit her requirements because she overthought her own fit for it every single time. So by the time she decided, the open role already had hundreds of applications.

So when we switched identities to already being an awesome-sauce PM who is already good enough for any opportunities she sets her eyes on, things changed.

Her actions naturally changed without forcing it. She got inspired to write product reviews/tear-downs for the products she admires and share them publicly. She also started mentoring other aspiring PMs. Both actions only reinforced who she already believes to be.

From there, she got invitations for interviews and even connection requests from the founders of those products she reviewed themselves.

Did she find a new job? Not exactly. But instead she finally got recognition and even better opportunities inside her current company. Turns out that her colleagues have been seeing her differently once she found the confidence to not be more visible to the outside world, but also within her organization.

02 Another client who was also on the job search journey was actually getting shit tons of interviews. But the interviews are her bottleneck. She couldn’t hit the last stage. There was always something missing, or she was overqualified for the role.

When we first started exploring how she was approaching answering the interview questions, 2 things stood out for us:

• Her stories didn’t truly reflect the value she was capable of delivering to any company she would join

• The way she was sharing her stories suddenly didn’t seem like her at all. I’ve known her for a while, so it was like seeing her switch to a completely different person in real time.

The stories to share might be an easy fix, but the “energy” behind it is an important ingredient to any conversation.

So we worked on her identity. To embody being somebody who already has not only so much experience as a functional expert but also somebody who has contributed shit tons of value to any team or organization she’s been part of.

She changed her stories. She chose to share the stories that not only reflected her impact but also reflected the problems she was most excited (on top of being capable) to solve. And the way she lit up when she told her stories made her forget that she was nervous. She started seeing interviews for what they truly were: a conversation between 2 parties who might enter into a transactional agreement in exchange for mutual value.

Not only did the dream job come immediately after that change, but a few other opportunities were also chasing her at the same time, desperate to get her on board.

***

I could go on and on with more examples about:

• the Associate PM who got promoted to mid-level PM 6 months after she joined the company, even after the VP himself said that they don’t promote new hires less than one year after joining.

• the Senior PM who created a new role for her in the organization after her burnout or the Senior PM who got the promotion to Lead after being told what her gaps were and they felt insurmountable

• the Community Manager who ended up starting her own consulting business after being laid off even when circumstances seemed to be stacked against her

But the mechanisms are all the same. They changed who they were being. They shed the need to prove or over-extend. They stopped waiting for the world to confirm that they already ARE.

And in exchange, the world changed to reflect who they already know they’re being.

Some of my clients and I joke about how this is pretty much us working together to manifest their goals.

And in a way, we are. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m woo-woo and believe in manifestation.

I don’t subscribe to the mainstream manifestation rules, though that it’s the universe who gives us the stuff we want and when it doesn’t, it means it’s not meant to be.

I believe that it’s US who gives us what we want. And it can be anything and everything.

But to have anything and everything, we must first decide to be the person who knows they can have anything and everything they want. Even before the world validates this assumption.

We can write the most perfect CV or LinkedIn post or go to every networking event there is and still not land the job. The only thing we’re doing is burning ourselves out from all the trying. Because we might have decided unwittingly that we are the person who needs to try to be seen as capable.

But when we step into a different identity, the one who already knows that they’re good enough, that they’re an asset to any team/organization they’re part of, the outcomes just become inevitable. With or without the CV edit.

So before you look up another article on how to write your CV or figure out what course to take now in the age of AI, ask yourself first:

1. Who are you being right now?

2. Who would you be instead if everything was already working out in your favor?

3. How would this version of you be thinking, feeling, behaving?

4. How can you be this person now, even just in the thinking, feeling, and behaving? Before the outcome comes.

Honestly, the formula itself is simple. The being CAN be easy. But I do recognize that it’s a fight with ourselves and the mechanisms that have kept us safe (and made us play small for the longest time). So be gentle with yourself when you’re doing this exercise.

And if you need/want somebody to accompany you in this transformation journey, I’d love to help you! So let’s chat.

Book a Discovery Call

Kax

p.s.

My newsletter will always be free. But if you find my posts helpful to you and your career goals, you might consider leaving me a tip/buying me a coffee :)

Ever since I was a kid, I always wondered about how I can’t see myself but I can see everyone else. How when I’m standing, I can only see my hands, my feet, maybe the tip of my nose, but nothing more. But when I’m looking at somebody, I can see their entire selves. I thought I was living in a 1stP RPG and I was running the whole thing.

When I got older, I started thinking more and more about how a lot of things seem to be going on in my head. How I’m the only one experiencing my thoughts and feelings, regardless of how many people I tell. How I’m making up 90% of who I think people are and what circumstances mean only in my head — which pretty much dictates every thought and feeling I have from there. And how every person around plays a role to either help me through my plot twists OR cause it.

Years later, I started playing with what I can have in my movie. I decided which roles I wanted to have. Worked. I decided that I would move to the other side of the planet. Worked. I decided that I would make a name for myself in the industry in all the ways that mattered to me. Worked. I also decided that I would never ever send a CV to apply for a job ever again AND still get interviews. Also worked.

Being the main character of my life movie, I knew I could expect great things. All main characters end up being triumphant in the end, after all.

Unfortunately, at the same time, I didn’t exactly see my life movie as anything like Sesame Street. I spent my free time watching Felicity, Grey’s Anatomy, One Tree Hill episodes over and over and over again. I identified with Rob Gordon from High Fidelity and Kathleen Kelly from You’ve Got My Mail. Even Fern Gully and The Land Before Time had major plot twists.

I might be the hero in my life movie, BUT I was definitely wired for drama.

So in between the good stuff? There were definitely a lot of moments I would find myself on the floor bawling my guts out OR on my hairdresser’s chair, making questionable choices about my hair. Did I decide on them, too? The drama, not just the crying nor the hair. Maybe. Subconsciously, perhaps. At least a huge percentage of them, if not all.

Which is a hard pill to swallow. So I didn’t.

I stopped writing my script and outsourced the creation of my life movie to everything else outside of me.

Something shitty happened? Mercury must be in the microwave or some planet is having a tantrum.

Big decision that needs to happen? Let me pull up my tarot cards or ask whatever entity is out there supposedly looking out for me for advice.

Huge upheaval in my life? My soul contract’s fault. Or the universe is trying to tell me something that I’d need a huge chunk of my life to figure out what.

I was the main character of my movie, alright, but I was definitely not in the writer’s seat of my script. Which sucked ass and was completely disempowering.

Am I saying that none of these esoteric things are true? Not at all. That’s up to you to decide. Me? I still think there’s some insight in there, but I started seeing a different angle to it (but that’s a different story).

The thing is (yes, there’s always a thing), I might have accepted that I’m the main character of my life movie, but I didn’t want to accept that I’m also the creator and scriptwriter of it.

Why? Because it’s a lot of accountability. It means taking accountability for the shitty things that have happened, too. On top of celebrating the bright and shiny ones.

Taking the passive approach is easy. Painful but easy. You can still be the main character of your life movie. But you’re not creating it. So when shitty things happen, it’s easier to be at the mercy of the circumstances, lament about one’s luck (or the lack of it), or something else. And just wait for things to turn around, one day… hopefully.

Taking the active approach is harder. Rewarding AF, and can eventually get easier as you get used to it — but the initial writing process can be brutal. And when shitty things happen, and you have to take a long hard look at the script you wrote? Even MORE brutal. But the reward you can reap after makes it so much worth it.

And I could go into a long discussion on how this doesn’t make the world blameless, but that’s a different newsletter. And I’d rather focus on what YOU can do to create the best movie ever.

A lot has been said about being in the driver’s seat of your life. Know what you want and take the bull by the horns to have it. On the other side of that advice, there’s a lot of things being said about how getting everything you want is a lie sold to make us work harder.

And then where does that leave some of us? In between not knowing whether it’s actually ok to want more or if wanting more is a bad thing. With a dash of “can I actually have it?” or is having everything that we want reserved for the lucky few who always seem to be at the right place at the right time?

What does this have to do with being the main character and creator of your life?

I have a friend who, ever since I met her, has been telling the whole world (and by default, herself) that she’s super lucky and wins every contest there ever is. And it’s true. For as long as I’ve known her, she’s won every Instagram raffle she’s ever entered. She’s won the best prizes in company Christmas parties. And always wins whatever is being given away by banks, malls, airlines. Upgrades? She wins those, too.

I have another friend who’s mantra in life is “everything’s always going to be fine”. He once quit his job to take a bet on himself and start a company with virtual strangers and in a matter of 2 years, sold that startup with amazing conditions. Another time, the company he was working for was going through a major reorg and his role was impacted, he got signed to join another company even before he crossed his Ts and dotted his Is… without looking for a replacement role. And this was during what was perceived to be the worst time for his segment, when everybody thought it was a dead horse that outlived its promise.

I could write more examples of people I know who ALWAYS get what they want but I’d need another couple of months to finish writing their stories.

On flip side, I have friends who always seem to be unlucky. They don’t think they’re good enough, deserving (yet), or feel ready for the things that they want and they don’t get it. I have friends who put so much weight on what other people might think about them that they never go after what they want, and then lament about how they’re feeling stuck.

Is it positive thinking alone? High vibes and all that?

I definitely know people who are the most negative people I’ve ever met. Thinks the world is going to shit. People in power are full of shit. The market and the industry are shit. AND yet, opportunities always seem to fall into their laps without even trying. So what’s their deal? They might think that a lot of things are full of shit, they still expect the best things to happen to them.

Is it all in our heads then? Perhaps. But it definitely starts there.

From the moment we open our eyes in the morning to the moment we close them again when we go to sleep at night, we’re playing a character we wrote for ourselves. And expect the things that this character would expect. We’re repeating the story that supports this character’s plot to ourselves and make it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I’ve worked with clients who started our coaching together believing that they’re going to have a hard time looking for roles because the market is tough right now and the competition is shitty.

Are they wrong? Not exactly. But the question is how do they see themselves in this movie?

Not good enough to compete. Not having the right experiences, credentials, or skills to be considered. Not senior enough. And the list is long. Point is, they see themselves as not good enough.

That’s the character they’re playing.

I’ve also worked with clients who are working to get promoted to leadership or be seen as a competent leader. They don’t believe they’re there yet because of what people has been telling them. Working to “upgrade” their skills on isolated points of improvement, hoping that if they work on those things hard enough, the feedback will turn around.

Is the feedback they’re getting wrong? Not exactly. But the question is how do they see themselves in their movie?

Not good enough to be seen as a good leader. Not strategic enough. Not influential enough. Not a good communictor yet. Not a good enough collaborator. And until they work on these things… not enough.

Am I saying they shouldn’t work on these things? Not at all.

BUT they can keep working on these things now and it CAN work and still be working on these things later because the story will forever remain with every role they want to get or however they want to move forward with their career.

They’re working to become the person who always needs to improve. Rinse and Repeat.

And THAT is exhausting.

And while it is not a bad thing to want improvement, the question is from what lens are we seeking those improvements from? The lens of the main character who always gets what they want OR the lens of the main character who struggles to get what they want?

What if the improvement we seek is not the skill upgrade but the way we see ourselves first?

What changes then?

What if we wake up in the morning stepping into the character of the person who always gets what they want? What would you expect from life to give you?

How would this impact the stories you tell:

• yourself and what you expect to happen to you? Would they be stories of triumph or stories of how things are always hard?

• others and what value you put on the table? Would they be stories of how lucky they would be to work with you or would you be covering up your perceived gaps (and then highlight them even more along the way?)

• how would you see “rejection”? Would it be another opportunity not choosing you OR another opportunity to find something better that fits what you want in the first place?

Stepping into the character you wanted to be in the first place won’t make you stop wanting to improve on certain skills.

But it WILL make you approach improvement from a different lens.

Wanting a leadership role? You’d approach communication not from a place of “I’m just not good at it” but from a place of “how can I make my message clearer so people will feel more confident about the direction we’re going?”

Looking for a job? You’d approach writing your CV or posting on LinkedIn not from a place of “how can I be chosen?” but from a place of “I’m an expert at this and I think people can gain a lot from my perspective”.

Same task. Different lens. Because different character who’s following a script that they’d want to play out in the first place.

And would this character allow Mercury being in the microwave dictate what they can or cannot do during this time OR would they use this information to chill AND think some things through?

Is it simple? Absolutely!

Is it easy? It can be if you want it to be.

Try it out:

1. Decide - Who do you want to be? What kind of character do you want to play? And what movie are you starring in?

2. Step into the role - Be that character. How would they think? How would they interpret things? What mindset will they make their decisions from? What kind of things will they expect to happen for their movie?

3. Rehearse and Repeat - If this character expects ease? Bring in Ease! If this character expects joy? Bring in the experiences that expects joy. If this character expects wins? Bring in the experiences that call in the win.

Normalize this character for you. A lot of the mental fitness and neuroplasticity thought pieces these days talk about visualization, affirmations, making small moves. They’re not wrong.

Your mind does need to get used to this story you want to live out and this character you want to play. So it can start bringing in the big outcomes you want in the first place.

So start counting your wins! There are no small ones.

Start acknowledging those moments when you’ve played out your character (and no, they don’t have to be perfect).

Persist in the script you wrote for yourself.

Make it so normal for yourself that this is your script, and it will be. And it will be easy.

When I started my coaching business, I called it “Build What Feels Good”. At first, because I thought it sounded cool.

I said my mission was to help people stop wanting to punch people in the face on Mondays, because I also thought it sounded cool.

And they both are. I gave myself pats on the back everytime I thought it was cool.

But underneath all that, it’s true. I do want to help people build what feels good. Yes, technically speaking, I help people get promoted, land their roles, gain more influence in their careers…

But at the back of my work is this: I help people really step into the character they want to play AND write the script to the movie they want to be in. Because THAT’s what feels good.

I help people BE the CAUSE of their lives. And enjoy being that CAUSE. So when the effect comes, they can be like: “Yeah I expected that to happen, anyway”.

I’m not saying that everything got this perfectly from Day 1. It is work. It’s work to decide to be somebody different in the beginning of the day, and persist in that character and that script in the middle, and see what happened at the end of the day from that lens. And it’s work to do it again the next day.

It is work to take back the power from the rest of the world to decide what you’re capable of, what you’re good for, and what you’re allowed to have.

It’s work to actively and consitently make meaning of what’s right in front of you and spin it to your favor so you can keep moving forward with your chin held high and your shoulders relaxed.

But the reward? Absolutely worth it.

And THIS is the character and script I wrote for myself. Maybe I’ll do a rewrite somewhere down the line when I start wanting something else…

But for now? This is it. And I wake up every morning with the decision that this is my movie and this is my role. And I’m loving it.

I’d love to help you define the character you want to play AND write the script to the movie you want to live. But honestly, that’s the easy part.

What I would love to help you more on is to persist in this script you’ve written and this character you’ve decided to be

So if this hit a spot? Let’s chat!

Book a Discovery Call

Kax

p.s.

My newsletter will always be free. But if you find my posts helpful to you and your career goals, you might consider leaving me a tip/buying me a coffee :)

In another conversation with friends, some of them asked for advice on how to manage their frustration about the never-ending transformation that their organization is going through, and to stop wanting to punch people in the face on Mondays.

In yet another conversation, somebody shared the ridiculousness of a senior executive sending out several-page-long memos written 100% by AI, and that they seem to have clearly not even read — and they asked for advice on how to not throw in the towel with this industry because maaaaaaaannnnn it’s gotten really weird.

Honestly, I’m also frustrated about a lot of things. So I get the dark and stormy feelings that may arise, and just want to give up and say “fuck it all!”

My newsletter these days has been mostly a love letter to myself to remind myself to not give in to the frustration and not give up. Because the only thing I’d be giving up on would be my dreams and myself. And I’d say that goes for a lot of us.

So for today’s newsletter, I’d love to share what’s been helping me, the people I coach, and the friends I’ve shared some advice with.

And while this is not a one-size-fits-all formula — take what is relevant, experiment, and find what feels good and effective for you.

On Frustration

If there’s one thing that has been hammered into my head, is that the feeling of frustration is mostly coming from the meaning we put into things.

As in, when things go south, what do we make it mean about us?

When I hit rock bottom a while back, I took my circumstance to mean that “I was not good enough” in 500 million ways. And that feeling just kept pulling me into more and more frustration when I couldn’t turn things around in the ways that I needed them to. And then of course, the lack of results just made me more frustrated. So rinse and repeat.

Does this mean that it’s all our fault and that other people shouldn’t take accountability for their actions? Does this mean that the recruiting processes these days are not fucked, and it’s all our fault that we haven’t been hired yet? Not at all.

BUT… (there’s always a but)

When we let these circumstances dictate our worth, take away our ability to experience joy, and allow ourselves to spend our days drowning in the thought and feeling of “nothing good ever happens to us,” and we stay there — I would say that’s on us now.

To not let circumstances take away our bright and shiny is easier said than done. Believe me, I know. But it is necessary work. Because at the core of it, even if the job may be taking too long to find or our future in the organization may be uncertain, who we are is still who we are.

And I’m not talking about personalities here. I’m talking about our worth, our skills, our expertise, the things we deserve; they’re all unchanged. They’re still there. Regardless of what circumstances may be trying to insist on.

On NOT giving up

When people ask me how not to give up, I don’t have a list of “here are things that are guaranteed to get you out of your rut”. I wish. Because we’re all different humans and we see through the lenses of our values, beliefs, experiences, and perspectives. But there are some things that are applicable regardless.

So let me share those with you now:

01 Ask yourself what giving up means to you. Giving up is such a loaded phrase. And it can mean many things depending on where you are in your frustration. Are you giving up on yourself and the faith that things will unfold in the best way possible OR are you giving up on the hustling and grinding that you think you need to do to get what you want?

Giving up on yourself is one thing. And if this is where you are, talk to somebody.

Giving up on the hustling and grinding, though, may be a good thing. Take a break and create distance from your current challenges so you can approach them later with renewed energy.

02 You’ve survived through all of your challenges so far and dare I say, thrived, too! If you’re reading this, that means your survival rate for all of your challenges is 100%! And there shouldn’t be any reason why that would change now. You’re alive, you’re breathing, your mind is moving, and things never stay the way they are. And if you haven’t celebrated how big of a deal that is, now is a good time to do so! (Go on, I’ll wait here with my drink).

03 Start observing your thoughts and be mindful of how you’re narrating your life and everything that’s going on around you. How we narrate our lives internally is pretty much training our minds what we want to experience more of. So pay attention. Are you narrating your life as if you’re in a tragedy or are you the heroine of your life where everything you’re experiencing is life unfolding for you?

If you’re experiencing a lot of conflict with your colleagues, observe how you think about them? Are you rehearsing arguments even before the actual conversation happens?

If you’re nervous about a job interview, are you creating a list for why you’re not qualified for this job? Or are you repeating to yourself how the job market is terrible and getting a job these days is such a lottery that you can’t seem to win?

And once you start observing them, stop entertaining them. We think we’re solving the problem by thinking about them constantly, analyzing every angle, etc. But often, we’re just living in the problem over and over again. So just like when we’re taught in meditation, don’t engage with the thought and just let them go. Don’t identify with the problem.

04 And then start telling yourself a better story about you and your life. Very related to the previous point, once you’ve observed the internal narrative that you keep looping in your brain, start telling yourself a better story.

You know how the people who are lucky are lucky because they believe that they’re lucky? It starts with telling themselves they’re lucky.

Gratitude practices work in a similar way. The more we surface the things that we’re grateful for in the day or the things that brought us joy, we train our minds to see more of that.

Start paying more attention to the good stuff and train your mind to think more about it so it starts showing you more of it.

Now take it a step further — start being your biggest cheerleader in your mind! Be the first person to start seeing that your life is actually fine. Replace your old problematic stories with stories as if you’ve already solved the problem. Allow yourself to start imagining great things for yourself and think from the place of already having it.

If you’re constantly thinking that things suck, your mind will keep showing you reasons to believe it.

If you’re constantly thinking that things are easy or at least getting better and better every day, guess what your mind will show you?

Our minds are powerful machines, but it relies on the data you put in them.

So if you’re searching for a job? Instead of spending so much of your energy thinking about how low the chances are, the market being shitty and all — start putting more of your energy on how companies are constantly looking for somebody to help them solve their problems AND how you’re the best person to help them solve them. And watch your mind show you more of that.

05 If you can’t think better thoughts, stay neutral. Circumstances are often neutral. The frustration we feel usually comes from the meaning we put in our circumstances.

So when there’s delay in your outcome, best to not put meaning behind it. Don’t automatically jump into conclusions about yourself, or put the blame outwards. Just notice the thoughts that come up in your mind and let them go.

Staying in the thought of how shitty things can just perpetuate the feeling of frustration. And constantly feeling frustrated is not a way to live.

So let them go. Job rejection? Ok. Don’t make it mean shit about you. Learn, sure. Improve your stories, or practice again for the next interview. But don’t allow yourself to dwell in the thoughts that can only put you in a bad state. Or you’ll carry that bad state with you forward.

If you can’t switch your thoughts to something better, remain neutral. It doesn’t have to mean anything. The circumstance doesn’t have to dictate what can happen tomorrow and the days afterward.

06 Just be and don’t forget to live your life. Believe it or not, tomorrow doesn’t exist yet. Yesterday no longer exists either. The only moment that’s real is now.

So be in the now. Allow your mind to rest a bit instead of living in the anxiety of tomorrow or in the regret of yesterday. Just be today and enjoy it as much as you can.

In the space of waiting for a job or instead of ruminating about the frustrating things that are happening in your day-to-day, gift yourself moments that give you joy. Or relief. Whether that’s a hobby, or just staring at the sky with a clear head — allow yourself those.

Sometimes taking a step away from the endless scrolling through the job posts creates space in our minds to think more creative approaches to solve our problems. Often it creates space to allow us to think better thoughts about ourselves. And from those better thoughts, creative solutions can come up. Rinse and repeat.

Either way, different/better thoughts can create different behaviors because we’re able to approach our lives with more calm vs being in constant stress.

In conclusion

Often with the people I coach, we would talk about how they can start living from this new identity. The one who thinks that everything always works out in their favor, the one who is already working in their dream job, the one who’s life is unfolding in the way that’s aligned with their dreams.

But sometimes, when things feel overwhelming, the acting from this place can only pull us down even more — especially when we start looking for the outcome, and it’s not there immediately.

So we always start from our thoughts.

Observing our thoughts, changing our thoughts, and staying present in the moment.

We don’t give up on our dreams and our goals. Instead, we start allowing ourselves to let go of the thoughts that lead us to believe that we can’t have them or it’s difficult to have. So we can make space for the thoughts that tell us that we can have and be whatever we want.

Our minds are repetition machines. The more we repeat things, the more it gets integrated.

Adding feelings to it make it more powerful. Acting from it even more so.

But we’re not aiming for perfection here. We’re aiming for allowing ourselves to start believing better things are possible for us. Taking the power away from other people/circumstances to dictate how our day-to-day will take shape.

And then we create more space. For the possibilities to start materializing because we deemed it so.

Seneca said:

So if our minds are so powerful that they can make us suffer, why not use their power to create something different for us?

Start to think good so we can feel good — then watch the world mirror back that good.

Kax

p.s.

My newsletter will always be free. But if you find my posts helpful to you and your career goals, you might consider leaving me a tip/buying me a coffee :)

How to work with me

01 I’ve been working on ways to make my coaching accessible to more people. So I started creating these workbooks based on the no.1 problems my coaching clients come to me for help on solving.

It so happens that one of the most popular problems to solve is on How to Build Trust and Have More Influence. So I took the frameworks, exercises, and experiments I’ve done with my clients that have helped them achieve their goals and turned it into this workbook.

So now you can get some coaching from me in bite-size pieces :)

Click here to get it

02 I have spots open for 1:1 coaching. I would love to help you navigate your career and find balance with the rest of your life, whether you’re trying to:

• Figure out what’s next for you because you’re tired of what you’re doing or you want more for yourself (or something better). Or even if you’re not sure if what you’re doing now is still what you want to keep doing.

• Navigate your new life as a leader, be effective, and not burn yourself out through it all (especially in this new world where speed became table stakes)

• Build your first product/business on your own. Whether you already know how to build one but you’re pulling your hair out because what’s next — maybe because you’re not sure if you’re ready, if people will believe that you’re the best person to help them solve their problems, or 10 million other doubts and questions that are going through that beautiful mind of yours.

Whatever it is that you’re going through right now, professionally (and honestly it will always have an impact personally, one way or another), I’d love to work with you through it so you can achieve the best possible scenario for yourself.

So let’s have a chat and we can talk about how we might work together.

Book a Discovery Call

03 I work with teams and communities to help the people in it figure out what’s the best possible way for them to achieve their goals. Or even define their goals. Let’s talk about the challenges that the people you work with are facing, and we can design together a workshop that can help them solve their challenges and start living the best possible scenarios for themselves (and the work that they’re doing).

Whether the challenges are structural or self-concept-driven, I’d love to help!

So if you’re a manager who wants to help your team have more impact or a community leader who want to help your members gain more confidence, clarity, and creativity… 👇

Let's chat!

I’m a PM at heart. I’ve been trained to think about the end of the quarter, the end of the 6 months, the end of the fiscal year. Except that thinking has been shaped into constant worrying.

So much so that I’ve learned to worry about tomorrow all the time. Will we finish the tasks by the end of this sprint? Will that meeting with my stakeholder end up well? Will they announce the re-org tomorrow?

And then I open LinkedIn, and some influential person says one thing and puts the industry in a spiral. There’s always something dead or dying every 3 days, according to <insert big name human being here>.

So thinking about tomorrow and having Plan B-Z became my coping mechanism.

I had so much anxiety about a day that doesn’t even exist yet (literally and technically) that I ended up burning out. I was constantly running scenarios in my head, preparing for every worst-case outcome that I could come up with; I ended up with sleepless nights, and the gnawing feeling at the pit of my stomach never left.

When I ended up in front of my therapist, I went with a LONG ASS list of why the world sucks, and it’s apparently dead-set on seeing me fall flat on my face. It was everybody else’s fault. The organization never cares about the people. The stakeholders had no idea what they were talking about. My parents could have raised me better. My neighbors could probably also stop being loud in the middle of my meetings.

I was having a terrible time because, unconsciously, I have started to think that the world had made it a mission to make me have a terrible time. And therefore, it’s the world’s mission to make it better for me.

And I was extremely annoyed by how my therapist just kept asking me about what I made these things mean about me? How can I reframe my thoughts? What’s within my control?

I was annoyed because WHY AM I BEING ASKED TO CHANGE WHEN CLEARLY THE PROBLEM IS NOT ME???????

Why am I the one crying in front of them, suffering through this entire ordeal when the organization is being unreasonable in their asks?! When I’m about to lose my job because somebody decided that my role does not matter anymore?!

I’m the one losing my hair here, and I’m being made to feel like I’m the problem?!

It took a while, but I finally got what my therapist was saying. And by got I mean truly get it.

But let me break it down for you what I finally understood, what I did to change my circumstances, and get out of my burnout.

1. I was constantly living in a future I did not want to happen and that did not exist (yet). Which, for me, meant I was always worrying. I worried about feedback, rejection, or failure that may or may not come. And that worry made me feel like that thing I was expecting was just inevitable if I didn’t do just one more thing to keep it from happening. Except in my head, it was never just one thing. It was a whole lot of things. That’s why I never slept and constantly restless. I stopped doing things that I didn’t see as productive because they would just keep me from doing something else that was.

   
   I was living in a loop of fear and defensiveness.
   
   The conundrum here for me is that, of course, I’m anticipating the future — that’s part of my job. YES. When we’re trained to estimate work and make predictions to see what we can achieve in a quarter, this can feel like second nature to us. So we can iterate and adjust expectations as we go.
   
   But what this doesn’t mean is that we make our entire life revolve around it.
   
   In the end, I created my own suffering before things even happened. And by constantly rehearsing the worst-case scenario in my brain, most of the time, I ended up making it true (the brain works in mysterious ways).

   
   And when it didn’t, I still suffered through it anyway. And instead of basking in the relief, I prepared for the next possible worst-case scenario because I was already so used to it.
   

2. I constantly expected people to change their minds because clearly they’re the ones who are wrong. And if they didn’t, they’re just difficult asses. I mean, I could be right. I usually was. Lol. But the frustration I ended up feeling because people just weren’t doing the simple thing I expected them to do was making them live rent-free in my head as the asses I pictured them to be.
   
   For a while, I talked about NOTHING except the annoyance I felt towards somebody’s boss’s boss. I complained about how nobody else in this world except for a few people knew what they were doing. And clearly, whatever shit show I was experiencing was their fault. And even more clearly, I was feeling bad about my capabilities because it was their fault. If only they listened to me, then I would feel good about myself.
   
   I dreaded every single interaction I had with these people. Whenever I would see meeting invites that included them, my shoulders would tense up. Whenever I would get notifications from these people, I was already angry before I would even read their messages.
   
   Effect? I was constantly defensive in our conversations. I was more concerned with being proven right than finding alignment. I was exhausted even before the conversation started.

   
   The irony of this is that these are the people I wanted to influence. These are the people whom I wanted to trust ME. By making them the villain of my story (instead of potential allies), my feelings towards them heavily influenced my behaviors and words towards them — albeit unwittingly. Which, in turn, influenced my lack of influence towards them. And so continues an endless loop of frustration that, in the end, stressed me out.
   

3. I outsourced my worth, mental health, and peace. That’s it. That’s the “tweet” (how early 2000s of me to say this). I only felt good enough IF so and so and so happened. I allowed for whatever terrible circumstances to live rent-free in my mind and just spiraled and spiraled and spiraled. I was angry all the time because of 10 million reasons.
   
   I ate, lived, and breathed work. I think I forgot what my hobbies were. I only read books that were about professional and personal development because all I could focus on was being seen as good enough, getting my way at work, and changing people/decisions according to what I want. And when those didn’t work? I sucked. But also, they sucked.
   
   I was so mad at people not respecting my boundaries — booking meetings on my blocked slot for lunch, for example? But I accepted the meeting anyway. Signaling that I did not respect my own boundaries. One could argue that the meeting was urgent and/or it was the only slot that the executive has available. Ok. But is it an exception? Or becoming an excuse to the norm?

It all sounds so extreme. But unfortunately, my story and my feelings are not unique to me.

And while, undoubtedly, there ARE a lot of things that organizations, executives, board people, the industry CAN and SHOULD be better at… There were also a lot of things I could have done to help myself while I fought the good fight of doing my job, helping my team achieve their outcomes, and working towards better processes/working conditions for everyone. I did not need to burn out.

But hindsight is always 20/20. And thank you to my therapist for having a shit ton of boxes of Kleenexes in every corner of his office.

So clarity came, then changes started to happen.

For transparency’s sake, and for context, after a few months of going on a burnout leave, I left my job. Or I got asked to leave after I’d said no to the opportunities that were put in front of me because they were not aligned with what I wanted to do.

1. Live in the Present + Assume the Best. Now, without a job, I was left with a choice — do I spend the time now worrying about the doom and gloom of unemployment or do I choose to stay in the present and use this time to start imagining differently for myself? I chose the latter.
   
   I figured, if I can imagine all the worst-case scenarios in the world, I can also imagine the best-case scenarios. That I can spend my working hours doing what I love doing and what I’m great at, and be paid well for it. It’s all the same energy anyway, so why can’t I spend that energy assuming the best for myself?
   
   And having made that decision, I decided to just enjoy the present. If I’m already assuming the best, that I can have what I want, how can I spend the day? With more enjoyment and wonder vs worry.
   
   During that time, I started talking from a place of belief and confidence. I started talking as if I already was what I was assuming myself to be. Happy, content, and successful in the endeavor I chose for myself.
   
   It was fun. It was easy. And some days, the opportunities came. And on the days they didn’t, I just enjoyed the extra time I got to chill.
   
   Practical application:

   1. If you’re looking for a job, assume that you’ll have one anyway. It’ll come. In the meantime, spend the time in between enjoying the process, the free time you have, and practicing telling your stories (tell them from a place of owning your expertise!). Be mindful of the apocalyptic stories you’re telling yourself about how the market sucks, the hiring process sucks, and how nobody’s seeing your potential sucks. They might be true, but how is spending your energy thinking about those helping you?

   2. If you’re in the job, sure, have your Plan Bs. If you’re in the midst of an org transformation, be open to opportunities. If the strategy went through another change, go with it. Things change all the time, and uncertainty is part of the game/the job. Once again, assume that things will be alright. The world will not end. And learn to detach. Spend as much energy finding out what’s going right vs just predicting what can go wrong. Do the job. And don’t forget to live your life, too.

   
   The more present you are to your life, and focusing your awareness on the good things that are happening and can happen, the more space you create for opportunities AND ideas to approach your circumstance to come.

   
   Your intuition is steady and quiet; it’s never panic-inducing. And it can be hard to listen to it when you're constantly in fight or flight.

2. Stop spending your energy on making other people the villain of your story. Honestly, the worst impact is always going to be on you. In my case, I just stopped thinking they were assholes. If they did/said something that pissed me off, I gave it no meaning. Not towards them, and especially not towards me.
   
   I stopped dreading conversations and just focused on what I wanted to say and how I wanted to show up. Cool. Calm. Collected. And myself. I didn’t let their energy get to me. I was neutral to what I used to see as bullshit.
   
   Until I started seeing them differently. They’re also just people who have their own goals. Not necessarily different from mine, but we might have different approaches to it. Finding that common ground in my head allowed me to create more space for conversation. I became more open to co-creation.
   
   And honestly, these people who I used to think were the spawns of evil became the people who directed opportunities to me when I finally left.
   
   Practical application:

   1. If you’re trying to influence people in your organization, pay attention to the thoughts you have about these people. Do you think they’re idiots who don’t get the simplest thing? Or do you think they’re people who also have goals and want to do what’s best, too? Different thoughts will generate different perspectives when it comes to your approach. I’m not saying you should think the sun shines out of their asses or that you’re best friends, but making them the villain to your story will make you closed off to co-creation and delay you from the influence you’re trying to have.

   2. If you’re interviewing for roles, focus your energy on yourself. Focus on telling the story that makes you shine. Don’t spend your energy trying to predict what your interviewer might see as the right answer. You can’t know that. But if you are focused on telling the story that rightfully represents your expertise and experience, you can have an influence on what their decision is. Influence them, not let them influence you.

      
      I wrote a guide on how to build trust and strengthen your influence from the inside out. It’s the same approach I share with my 1:1 clients so you can know it works. Available on Gumroad.
      

3. Know your worth and prioritize your health. That’s it, that’s the “tweet”. I know it kinda sounds like a cop out, self-help, generic advice but it’s true. And it is the simplest way to get out of a rut.
   
   The moment I stopped waiting for external validation to tell me that I am indeed amazing, the opportunities started coming. The external validation started coming. And the moment I started declining appointments because I simply didn’t have the time or I needed to eat lunch, the world did not collapse and started telling me I’m a worthless git.

   
   The moment I started making time for “non-productive” things, like a nap, an hour of just staring into space imagining my future villa with private chef, the ideas that can get me there started coming.
   
   Relaxing your mind and allowing yourself to believe that you are indeed a wonderful, amazing, professional, and human being (with always space for continuous expansion), life unfolds. Opportunities come. Often in the most brilliant of ways.
   
   Practical application:

   1. If there’s a problem you need to solve and no amount of overthinking can make you find a solution that actually works, take a step back. Take a beat and do something else. Put your focus on something else that makes you feel good and reminds you of how creative and limitless you are. Or just you know, be. Let the ideas come in the spaces you created in your mind by letting go of the seemingly unsolvable problem.

   2. If you want to get the job, the promotion, the success, be the first person to believe that you CAN have it. Don’t wait for the thing to tell you what you are capable and who you are. Be the first person to raise yourself up. And then show up as that person. Sharing your wins becomes less about bragging and more about being proud of yourself and wanting to tell your story and help somebody else in the process. And when you’re showing up as that person, the one who’s already capable, worthy, and has the expertise to make things happen, you allow others to see this version of you, too.

I get it. Sometimes what’s in front of us can be scary and frustrating. The rejection emails that come (or don’t). The promotion that feels elusive. And the never-ending narrative about how if you don’t do x,y,z you’re doomed.

But you are in control of your reality. I would go as far and say that you create your reality. If you live in your mind thinking that the industry is fucked, therefore your prospects are fucked, then you’re steering yourself towards the direction of being fucked. If you live in your mind, thinking that everything is hard for you, then you’ll make things hard for you.

Be mindful of your thoughts. Think only of favourable things for yourself. Don’t just stay in the loop of the many things you feel you need to improve on. Sure, we always have room for improvement. But as you are, with the many experiences you’ve had and achievements you’ve won, you already are MORE than enough. And those thoughts deserve some time to loop in your mind, too.

I have a friend who was telling the story of her job search the other day. And how she spent the last 3 months of her job search just enjoying the ride. Not worrying about whether or not she will find one. She knew it was just a matter of time. Not caring if it will take 3 or 6. So she spent the last 3 months doing things she enjoyed, sharing her knowledge where she thought it could help, having conversations that inspired her, and unwittingly put her in the path of the opportunities she sought. And in the end, she found the job. With less stress than there needed to be.

And while I know that it can feel like it’s a luxury to relax, especially when the bills are piling up, and the influencers seem to be doubling down on the panic-inducing narratives, but it’s also the greatest gift you can give to yourself.

Relax. Believe that everything will always work out in your favor. Everything will always be alright. And just live. Do what you want to do and allow for life and opportunities to unfold in front of you. After all, if you’re reading this now, I would bet that your survival/success rate for this is still at 100%.

01 I’ve been working on ways to make my coaching accessible to more people. So I started creating these workbooks based on the no.1 problems my coaching clients come to me for help on solving.

It so happens that one of the most popular problems to solve is on How to Build Trust and Have More Influence. So I took the frameworks, exercises, and experiments I’ve done with my clients that have helped them achieve their goals and turned it into this workbook.

So now you can get some coaching from me in bite-size pieces :)

Click here to get it

02 I have spots open for 1:1 coaching. I would love to help you navigate your career and find balance with the rest of your life, whether you’re trying to:

• Figure out what’s next for you because you’re tired of what you’re doing or you want more for yourself (or something better). Or even if you’re not sure if what you’re doing now is still what you want to keep doing.

• Navigate your new life as a leader, be effective, and not burn yourself out through it all (especially in this new world where speed became table stakes)

• Build your first product/business on your own. Whether you already know how to build one but you’re pulling your hair out because what’s next — maybe because you’re not sure if you’re ready, if people will believe that you’re the best person to help them solve their problems, or 10 million other doubts and questions that are going through that beautiful mind of yours.

Whatever it is that you’re going through right now, professionally (and honestly it will always have an impact personally, one way or another), I’d love to work with you through it so you can achieve the best possible scenario for yourself.

So let’s have a chat and we can talk about how we might work together.

Book a Discovery Call

03 I work with teams and communities to help the people in it figure out what’s the best possible way for them to achieve their goals. Or even define their goals. Let’s talk about the challenges that the people you work with are facing, and we can design together a workshop that can help them solve their challenges and start living the best possible scenarios for themselves (and the work that they’re doing).

Whether the challenges are structural or self-concept-driven, I’d love to help!

So if you’re a manager who wants to help your team have more impact or a community leader who want to help your members gain more confidence, clarity, and creativity… 👇

Let's chat!

In a party a few weeks ago, one of the girls I was talking to wondered out loud, “When will this AI bubble burst?”

“It won’t,” was my honest response.

The way I see it, AI is this generation’s “internet” except it’s also been around for ages (Machine Learning, anyone?). And now it’s sexy, actually accessible to everybody and their mother’s cousins’s neighbors and not just your Data Engineers + Data Scientist best friends.

I don’t have anything against AI per se. I truly think it’s cool and I find it fascinating to watch how the technology is just evolving super fast every single day (sometimes within the day).

What ticks me off are these:

1. The doom and gloom narrative about how it will take over everybody’s jobs and their lives. Do I think it’s true? In a way. But I believe we’re missing the narrative about the opportunities IT may create. Everybody has an idea on how it can suck for you and your current role but not a lot of people will offer what the options are, unless you click on the paywall, buy their course, or suffer through a mild panic attack from reading the first few paragraphs of their articles.

2. Regurgitated writing that’s clearly AI-generated. Mostly because I can’t stand it anymore how everybody just “sounds” the same right now. Sometimes I find myself scrolling through the feed, going “haven’t I read this before?”. I’m all for making writing accessible. But I could really go back to reading things that sound like they truly came from someone’s mouth, as potty as it may be.

3. The mass layoffs of people in favor of AI being more cost-efficient or something, something, something strategy, even though there’s been very little evidence so far that reducing human talent and replacing them with AI is much better in the long run. I’m all for embracing the technology, but as far as I remember, there are a million problems to solve that need human touch in organizations. Removing the human from the equation doesn’t seem very efficient to me. (I tip my hat to Ikea, though). Especially when what ends up happening is wringing dry the remaining people left in the organization to burn out.

There are more things that make me grind my teeth, like how the data being used needs diversity because man, the number of times my genAI tool output has mistaken me for a man because of the way I talk or my work or even my stance on some things is hilariously annoying. Or worse, when I design some things for my clients that are emotion-heavy, it immediately assumes it’s for women. 🤷‍♀️

I’m not going to comment on the impact in the environment because, honestly, every single thing that makes up all of the technology that we use is absolutely problematic.

Why am I enjoying watching AI unfold?

Because everybody I know or get into a random conversation with in my neighborhood plaza seems to be building something now! And it’s awesome!

A lot of people have brilliant ideas, and it’s like everybody’s been handed this magic wand and told “here, you can do something about it now!”.

And I don’t mean just apps, but means to build a business or bring whatever it is that’s been living in their imagination into physical reality.

And isn’t that wonderful?!

Does everything need to be built? I don’t know. But isn’t that the point, to let people try?

Of course, I think more and more people now need a bit of a crash course on the fundamentals of building products. I’m finding more and more aspiring founders in my coaching calls these days, and I’m doing Product Management 101 as part of our work (as well as some reality check on what it means to build an app, and no it’s not just vibe coding something and that’s it) on top of helping them embody the identity of the successful entrepreneur that’s living underneath all that stress. 😂

There’s also the hope I keep that with AI constantly improving, technology being more accessible, and no longer as aspirational as it used to be (like before, at least), we might turn back again into creating and appreciating real art.

With AI being able to generate some form of it, I think we’ll turn our attention again into appreciating something that was created with soul. You know the kind of art wherein, when you look at it, listen to it, or read it for the 5th time, you still find yourself unpacking a completely new layer you didn’t see before. The kind of depth that can only come from the human heart and the complexities of human emotions and experiences.

Right, going back to careers and organizations and the stuff I’m “supposed” to be writing about.

To the professionals reading this. I honestly don’t believe AI will make you, the human being with all the strengths and talents you hold in your pocket, obsolete. But the role you hold currently? I will not pretend to know what the future holds.

But here are a few things I think you can do while this whole AI-era is still unfolding:

1. Now is as good a time as any to ask yourself, if you could do whatever you want to do, what would you do? Something you enjoy doing? Something that utilizes your talents and strengths more? And then ask yourself, how can you start doing more of that? Do you want to build something? Do you want to pivot?

   
   While I don’t necessarily mean quit your job already and start that pie business you’ve been dreaming about since you were 12 years old, I do mean start allowing yourself to step into the life you’ve been secretly dreaming of even if it’s just dipping your toes a little bit every day. Try it out. Do you like it? Would you want to spend a few more minutes in it? How can you start shaping your life around what you want vs shaping what you want around what other people want or say is important for your career?

2. Find your community and build your relationships. We’ve all been saying this forever, but this becomes even more important to do so now. The big, popular names in tech are laying off people. So it looks like there is a shortage of opportunities out there. BUUUUUT smaller companies are popping up! Traditional, non-tech companies now have a need for tech profiles. Opportunities are showing up in places that we wouldn’t expect. And not just by way of employment but opportunities to consult, provide a service, or something. And often, these sparks of ideas and opportunity windows can come from random conversations with people beyond your immediate circle.

3. Bolster your identity. Who are you being? Technology will evolve, opportunities will come and go, and employment is never guaranteed — we all know that. But when your identity is clear, you know what you have to offer to the table, you believe that everything will work out in your favor (or my favorite, comes easy for you), or that no matter what happens, you will end up always victorious… I promise you, opportunities will be the one running after you.
   

   So who are you being right now when fear grips you? Who would you rather be (because we can always choose!)? And when you have that clear, how is that version of you going to show up in front of challenges? With what lens will you see opportunities? And how will you speak about yourself to yourself and to other people?
   
   Are you somebody that life will happen to, or are you the one happening to life?

To the organizational leaders reading this. I empathize with you, the demand to transform rapidly CAN be hard and may make you want to punch people in the face. Your senior leaders, the investors, the board, maybe even your team in some weak and vulnerable moments.

While I can’t tell you what to do as a leader (although, as an individual, same as above), maybe I can challenge you with some things:

1. If you’re higher up, C-level, senior directors and the like - before you do another round of lay-offs, or restructure the organization all over again (or hire somebody outside of the company to do it for you), might you sit down with your teams and actually see their day to day struggles BEFORE coming to any conclusion that X, Y, Z is the solution to the problem you (most likely) don’t understand. I hear the numbers problem, I get that.
   
   Because at the end of the day, money is what we’re here to make. It is a business. But as a product person at heart, I’d be doing everybody a disservice if I didn’t say this: sometimes, the brilliant idea that we have that we think IS the solution, isn’t actually the solution.

2. Organization problems are human problems that look like process problems. As cryptic as it sounds, it needs a human solution and not another framework that was made by somebody to solve a particular context, and doesn’t necessarily fit every single thing. So while all the discussions now are about FAST transformation, investing in time to figure out how to transform AND allowing for experimentation will actually allow you to transform FASTER and often, smoother than just bulldozing through things with the goal of speed. Your goal is not the transformation. Your goal is the growth that the transformation enables. Two different things.

3. AI transformation doesn’t really make as much sense to other people as it does to you or your management team. People need goals, constraints, and expectations. Please be clear what that means for your org vs just giving them tokens and expecting people to suddenly know what to do with it. That being said, also if you expect people to learn something new, give them the space to do it. Don’t expect them to learn during their free time. Exhaustion and stress don’t make for good ideas, much less actually effective solutions.

   
   And I say this because I’m working with clients who are given directives to just be “AI-driven”. That can mean a million things to people and may not match the 1 meaning you have in your head. So be clear. Have goals. And tie it back to the business. Be clear.

But what if I’m already ready to punch people in the face because of AI?

Aah! Like a lot of people I’m talking to lately are just tired. Tired from the demand for speed and MORE (whatever that means for their organization), that’s being put on top of their heads. The FOMO that every LinkedIn post wants to generate (and Substack too, tbh). And constantly being told that they’re behind one way or another and being made to feel like there’s absolutely no way they can catch up… here are a couple of things:

1. Go offline. Seriously. Touch grass, get bored, do something completely unrelated to your work and just play. You can’t solve fire by burning yourself out.

2. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Identity work. Or work on your self-concept. Are you going to reinforce the fear by thinking you’re already behind or are you going to help yourself by believing that you’re somebody who can learn anything easily and quickly without breaking your back? Train your mind to think in your favor.

3. Play. Honestly, just play with AI. Explore, get curious, and come at it from a place of excitement about how much it allows you to do things you weren’t able to do before vs “I need to learn all of these now!”. Excitement creates space for opportunities more than fear.

And for the love of Sci-FI… Learn to use AI to enable you! Not to be you. It won’t (no matter how much information about you, you feed it). It will never be you anyway because it won’t replace your imagination, your creativity, your empathy, your self-leadership.

However, you can use it so you create more space for yourself to actually think strategically, come up with out of the box ideas, and TRULY listen to what your colleagues/users are telling you.

Use AI so you can spend more time actually away from your laptop and enjoy being human — which is the point of it all.

Also, have you not seen Terminator? I, Robot? 😂

Ways to work with me:

01 In my last newsletter, I wrote about how I got myself out of rock bottom and I’ve been asked for more details or more help by other people who are currently navigating their own rock bottom journeys (or want to avoid it).

So I’ve pulled all of my coaching tools together (and lessons from my own experience) to create a 30-day guide to help people stop the spiraling, get clear on who they are and what they want from themselves, so they can move forward from their rock bottom and get to the other side of it.

Click here to get it

02 I have 2 spots open for 1:1 coaching. I would love to help you navigate your career and find balance with the rest of your life, whether you’re trying to:

• Figure out what’s next for you because you’re tired of what you’re doing or you want more for yourself (or something better). Or even if you’re not sure if what you’re doing now is still what you want to keep doing.

• Navigate your new life as a leader, be effective, and not burn yourself out through it all (especially in this new world where speed became table stakes)

• Build your first product/business on your own. Whether you already know how to build one but you’re pulling your hair out because what’s next — maybe because you’re not sure if you’re ready, if people will believe that you’re the best person to help them solve their problems, or 10 million other doubts and questions that are going through that beautiful mind of yours.

Whatever it is that you’re going through right now, professionally (and honestly it will always have an impact personally, one way or another), I’d love to work with you through it so you can achieve the best possible scenario for yourself.

So let’s have a chat and we can talk about how we might work together.

Book a Discovery Call

03 I work with teams and communities to help the people in it figure out what’s the best possible way for them to achieve their goals. Or even define their goals. Let’s talk about the challenges that the people you work with are facing, and we can design together a workshop that can help them solve their challenges and start living the best possible scenarios for themselves (and the work that they’re doing).

Whether the challenges are structural or self-concept-driven, I’d love to help!

So if you’re a manager who wants to help your team have more impact or a community leader who want to help your members gain more confidence, clarity, and creativity… 👇

Let's chat!

Without going into detail, because it doesn’t matter for this post… let’s just say that there have been unwelcome changes in my life that all occurred back to back to back.

To put it simply, I hit rock bottom. Hard.

And I’ve been spending the last few months licking my wounds and just making sure I survive the madness of it all. As in, I really thought I was going mad because, “WTF, Universe?!” One moment things were fine, the next moment I was on the floor crying my guts out.

The fact that I’m writing more and more these days means I’m in a better place. A state I didn’t really notice until a few weeks ago, when my best friend sent me a message saying “YOU’RE WRITING AGAAAAAAIIIINNN!”. All caps for feelings.

And there was a weight lifted off my shoulders after that. Not all of it at that moment… but enough for me to notice.

I’ve debated with myself whether or not this will be one of those newsletters where I share with you the top things I’ve learned while crawling my way out of rock bottom, but I realized I didn’t have the heart to write about those yet. While I’m no longer on the floor, I am still fresh from it.

And I’ve learned not to write from the wound, but better from the scar. And while the wound is dry, the scab is still fresh. And I dare not scratch it, even if it’s feeling itchy.

But this post isn’t meant to be a personal pity party either. And I do want to share value, as I always do. So, having realized that there are so many of us who have been hit unwittingly by life deciding to be life, and I know personally some of you are in the thick of it as well… I thought I’d share these instead:

The things that have helped me pull myself out of rock bottom.

But before I get into the list, I do want to recognize that hitting rock bottom (for me at least) was brought about by a massive shake-up in my identity. Suddenly, all of the things that I thought I was/am, I was suddenly doubting.

And I hit rock bottom because I was suddenly left with 2 questions:

Who am I now? and Now what?

Questions that I had to answer not too long ago when I burned out and left my job, and now I have to answer all over again? I was all out of answers. And quite frankly, didn’t really have the energy to go find them all over again. Not to mention that I was fucking angry because “Didn’t I just answer these?! Why do I have to do it again?!”

But no amount of anger, frustration, and grief can make me avoid the exercise… so I got up from the floor and started the work.

And the work was not pretty, nor was it fast. But the work did get me out of my rock bottom — because at least for me, the work that was initially meant to just make me feel alive again also became the mechanism for finding answers to my question.

So if you’re your own personal rock bottom now and also asking yourself the same questions I asked myself a few months ago, and hitting walls trying to find answers… I hope this list of what I did can give you some ideas to start your journey with.

If you’re going through your own career rock bottom and need help getting out of it, I’d love to help you.

Book a discovery call with me

So here we go:

The [X] things I did that helped me get out of rock bottom and find myself again

(I put x as a placeholder because I have no idea how many I’ll end up sharing by the end of this)

01 Seek professional help. I’ll start with this. Whether that be a therapist or a coach, it doesn’t matter. As much as I love my friends and they have been TRULY TRULY TRULY critical in this journey for me, I needed tools. And a shit ton of reframing. I spent the early days of my journey in a loop of self-blame. I was convinced that I was not worthy of any good things (because why else could I not keep them?).

And while my friends tried hard to get me out of that loop, I also couldn’t help but think that they’re biased. Of course, they would say those things to me because they love me.

So an objective perspective was what I needed to snap me out of my daze.

Therapy helped me see the meaning I was giving the situation and the meaning I was inadvertently giving myself as a consequence.

02 Start speaking kindly to myself. A natural consequence of therapy for me, at least. Those sessions helped me see the inner conversations I was having in my mind.

And they were NOT kind at all. Most especially to myself.

I was constantly questioning my value and my worth. I was half-convinced that I didn’t deserve good things anymore.

When I finally paid attention to the things I was telling myself in my brain, it was easy to decide “NO MORE OF THIS BULLSHIT!”

Ok, the decision was easy. The work was not, but it was simple.

I just started telling myself better things. And started allowing myself to believe that:

• I am not shitty. I am THE shit!

• I am worthy of good things.

• And good things are always happening to me, even if I have to squint my eyes and tilt my head 32.7° to the left to notice it.

I used to wake up in the mornings dreading what the day would bring because it just felt impossible to believe that it would be good. Now I wake up with the belief that it’ll be better than yesterday on my good days. And curiosity for what might come up on days I can’t imagine something bright and shiny.

03 I kept myself busy beyond work. I suddenly found myself staring down the barrel of a gun. The gun being my calendar that felt intimidatingly… empty (aside from work).

Empty hours were scary because I was forced to face some truths that I had accepted, but I just didn’t want to keep revisiting. Especially when my mind’s tendency was to keep replaying unpleasant scenarios that just kept me down.

I just want to point out that this isn’t about being productive. It was about giving myself something else to think about to train my brain to redirect to something better.

So I gave myself a personal project. I shared in my Substack notes the other day that I started a personal writing project… writing my memoir 😂.

I needed something that would:

• reconnect me with something that I love doing

• remind me of what I’m good at

• and make me laugh along the way

So writing about the shenanigans I’ve been through gave me all of that… and more! Writing became a release. It made me face all of the stuff that I used to believe about myself, let go of the bad ones, and remind myself of the good ones.

Note: If writing is not your thing, any form of creation is also good. I also stopped doomscrolling, which did a shit ton of good for my self-esteem.

04 I took care of my body. I found it truly hard to take care of my mind when my body felt like I was in survival mode. My nervous system was a wreck, and I needed a way to get myself back to baseline. I also needed to feel strong again… in whatever shape or form it can present itself to me.

• So I took loooooonnnnnngggg ass walks. Even managed to convince myself to go for a run every once in a while.

• I went to acupuncture and fell asleep with those needles sticking out of my body. My acupuncturist also has been heaven-sent and gave me more things I can do on my own to help myself, like EFT Tapping, light breathwork, and self-massages.

• I went to strength training classes. Group ones. Yoga and Pilates weren’t doing it for me this time because I needed something that could knock me out. And the trainer I started going to wasn’t playing around with the sequences she would have us do. I would always walk out of that class with a big grin on my face, proud of what my body has been able to do. And even bigger when I’d manage to go up a kilo with the weights.

• I treated myself to beauty treatments. Facials, manicures, and massages. Anything that can help me not just relax but remind myself that my body is beautiful and deserves to be treated with care.

• I got out of the house. If not to move, to get sunshine. Loads of it. By the end of winter, I had a tan. 😂 Getting sun and being surrounded by so much life reminded me that my life was not at a standstill. If the world can keep moving, so can I.

05 I gave myself new experiences. Pretty related to keeping busy, but I thought I’d keep it as a separate item list. Because in a way, I saw this “method” as a means to get me my spark back and nurse it back to a roaring flame.

Doing something new, especially when it felt terrifying in the beginning, reminded me of how brave I am, at least. And when I enjoyed them, it reminded me that there were still so many things in life that are waiting for me to re/discover them.

• I joined improv classes and laughed my ass off.

• I signed up for open mic nights and talked about vulnerable shit with zero preparation.

• I went to talks on various non-work-related topics (although somehow AI was always touched upon, one way or another lol).

• I joined supper clubs and always ended up debating with strangers on various topics (not all of them AI).

• I became friends with the owners of this wine bar that has been in my neighborhood for so long, but I never visited until recently.

• I went to the opening of an exhibit at the other end of the city and unknowingly ended up in a long-ass conversation with the artist herself.

• I brought books with me to cafes and found myself having conversations about them with the people at the table next to me.

And these experiences would always remind me that who I am is more than enough.

06 I allowed myself to imagine best-case scenarios. This was tough in the beginning. Especially when insecurity would hit me hard, and I felt like I had to constantly keep playing defense against life. I needed to survive, and that was all my mind would allow me to think about.

Slowly and gently, I pushed my mind to cross the survival barrier. And I just had fun with it.

My imagination was my safe space. The world could be burning outside, but behind my closed eyes, I had everything I wanted and needed, and more.

And this helped a lot.

• It showed me the possibilities that are out there for me beyond my current circumstances.

• It showed me the kind of mindset I could start having to take ownership of my life again.

• And more than anything else, it reminded me that circumstances CAN and WILL change if I allow them to.

And so I started dreaming again.

I’m not going to pretend that I’m the poster child for 180° transformation. Some days were really tough. But I do recognize that it was just me vs me.

Or more accurately, me vs my mind.

The only way out of rock bottom is through. But there are things we can do to help ourselves, at least to make the journey less insufferable. And often, that starts with our minds — the things we keep playing on loop about our circumstances and, more importantly, ourselves.

We can keep telling ourselves that things are shit (and that maybe true). But we can also spend equal amounts of energy believing that things can and will be better (and it will be true).

The work is simple enough. But I will not lie and say that it was easy for me. I’ve trained my mind well enough to protect myself from worst-case scenarios, and I presume that a lot of us have. And that’s ok. Our minds have always been programmed to keep us safe… even though the methods aren’t actually pleasant doesn’t matter to our minds.

But that also means we can train our minds to think differently. And it’s a workout on its own. But trust me, it’s worth it.

Often, we think that when the goal is achieved, and our circumstances have changed, that’s when we can start feeling better about ourselves. But if there’s one thing that I have learned that I will share now, it’s this:

When we start feeling better about ourselves, that’s when our circumstances will change, and our goals can be achieved.

There have been a lot of posts lately about how “hitting rock bottom” is a great opportunity for self-discovery and for reaching our highest potential. And I do agree with it.

But rock bottom is not a place I would wish even on my worst enemy. Although we don’t always have control over whether or not we will hit it. Life will life.

I do promise that “rock-bottom” doesn’t have to last long. Our journeys may be individual, and some may stay there longer than others. But it’s not forever. Take it from somebody who used to cry when the sun was shining bright because even beautiful days would send me into a spiral. Go figure.

Every moment you start thinking better of yourself and your future is already a huge step forward. The more you do it, the sooner you can get out of it.

Ways to work with me:

1. If you’re going through your own professional rock bottom… and you could use some help getting out of it, I have open slots for 1:1 coaching. Book a discovery call with me and we can explore together your transformation journey can look like for you.
   

   Book a discovery call with me

2. If you’re in Barcelona, I’m hosting a 2-day workshop with my friend and colleague, Andrea Ramirez (Hypnotherapist). Where we’re helping people discover the best possible future for themselves and remove the mental barriers that are blocking them from living that best possible future today.
   
   For subscribers of my newsletter, I’m sharing a 15% discount. Just use KAX during checkout.

   

   
   

I've been thinking about purpose a lot lately. Coming from a conversation I had with Michelle from We Cultivate a while back, on why we do what we do.

And I want to share my perspective that might be uncomfortable or unpopular.

What if our purpose isn't to find our calling, build our legacy, or change the world in some measurable way? What if they’re just potential outcomes of living our purpose instead?

Because what if our purpose is simple: to truly live and experience this life.

To feel good and safe in our bodies. To build and strengthen relationships. To do things for the sake of doing them. To get to know ourselves and what matters to us as we live our day-to-day and continuously evolve as human beings.

So that we can (just to name a few):

• Learn from our mistakes as much as we learn about topics we’re curious about.

• To find joy in ordinary Tuesday afternoons.

• To grieve the things that we’ve lost.

• To be able to sit with ourselves in quiet without feeling the need to distract ourselves with noise and doomscrolling.

• And to fight for the things we believe in (but also be flexible to change them).

I write this from a place of privilege, of course. My context might be different from yours. I have the luxury of questioning purpose because my basic needs are met, because I'm not fighting for survival, and because I can afford to sit with philosophical questions instead of scrambling for the next paycheck.

But just what if?

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I’m writing about this now because a huge chunk of the people coming to me for coaching are either burned out or burning out. Then you have the other chunk of people who are constantly questioning their worth because of what’s been happening in their careers while also asking themselves if “Is this it? is this all I’m supposed to do?

The Cost of Making our Careers the Purpose

One thing that’s common between all of my clients (and myself) is that we spend so much time chasing the next goal, the next milestone, that we forget to enjoy the experience of the chase itself, much less everything else. And in the process, we forget what we’ve gained along the way.

Last August, I spent my holiday scrambling to fill my pipeline with leads instead of actually taking a vacation. I got frustrated by how slow things were, completely forgetting that it was August and people were on vacation... including me. It was my first August as a full-time entrepreneur, and all I could focus on was how empty my calendar was. I spent a good chunk of my holidays doubling down on work, trying to fill up my empty calendar until somebody had to remind me that I was on holiday too.

I have a client who's had a stellar career these last few years. When we first started working together, we worked on getting her relocated to a country she’s always wanted to move to for a job. That was a year ago. But now she called me again because she's feeling unhappy where she is, despite the high-visibility and highly strategic projects she’s got her hands in — not because the work is terrible, but because she's already focusing on the next milestone that feels so far away. The stress is real, for sure. And so is the strain this is putting on her relationships.

And one of my clients who just finished coaching with me recently had a similar-ish story when we first started working together. At first it was for looking for a new job, then when she found her new job, it was about positioning herself well at work, then it was about finding a side hustle, then there was the marathon, the house to buy. It never seemed to end. And yet no matter what milestone she hit, there was still the feeling of not doing enough, even though she was exhausted all the time. But slowing down felt like giving up.

Is it wrong to keep wanting more? Bigger scope? Shinier titles?

Absolutely not. I don’t think being hungry with ambition is wrong (it is my job to help people achieve their career goals after all!). However, why are so many of us not allowing ourselves to digest? When do we get to enjoy and smack our lips in satisfaction from the fantastic meal we just had before we start wondering what to have for the next one?

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What We Miss When We're Always Moving

When we're constantly chasing the next milestone, we miss the actual experience of being in this moment… in this life we're living right now, including the joy and satisfaction from what we’ve achieved.

When my client got that incredible job relocation, she spent her first year in a new country focused on what comes next instead of letting herself feel the ground beneath her feet in the place she’s wanted to move to for years. She missed so many opportunities to lay down roots and build a life outside of the office walls.

When we're always running toward something, we miss:

• The relief of feeling the weight of our body settling into a chair after a long day.

• Enjoying taste of our coffee in the morning, before we even check our phones for Slack messages and emails.

• Feeling satisfaction of finishing something - not for what it leads to, but for the simple completion itself.

• Finding humor in the conversations that go nowhere productive, but leave us feeling connected to another human.

• Getting lost in the books we read not because they'll make us better at our jobs, but because they make us imagine something different.

So many of us have been living entirely in our heads, strategizing and planning, working long hours well into the night and even the weekend, at the cost of so many other things, until we find ourselves in front of a doctor getting treated for symptoms that feel like they came out of nowhere.

This isn't about finding meaning in mundane moments. This is about remembering that we’re human beings having a human experience. We’re not productivity machines that happen to need food and sleep.

The purpose isn't to make every moment meaningful. It's to be present for the moments that are already meaningful.

The Discomfort That Comes With Being Present

Here's what I've learned from watching my clients (and myself) try to step off the achievement treadmill: it feels weird at first. And there’s grief.

I had a client who, by the end of our collaboration, decided to prioritize her health, her relationships, and actually enjoying the rewards of the hard work she'd done so far instead of immediately chasing the next milestone. Hurrah, right?

But when she first brought this up, it felt like giving up to her. "What if people think I'm not ambitious anymore?" she asked. "What if I lose momentum?"

The idea of stepping back from constant career optimization, even though she was exhausted and her relationships were strained, felt like failure on its own. We've trained ourselves to find meaning in the pursuit, so when the pursuit pauses, we panic.

We feel anxious about whether or not we're doing enough, being enough, moving fast enough. The fear that if we're not constantly improving, we're falling behind.

This is why so many of us reach for our phones the moment we sit down. Why we fill silence with podcasts and background noise. Why we book ourselves into back-to-back commitments. The discomfort of being present with ourselves, without an agenda, without a goal to chase, can feel unbearable when we're not used to it.

But here's what happens to people (not just my clients) when they give themselves permission to prioritize something else aside from titles and achievements. When they finally allowed themselves to slow down and just be.

They started to reconnect with who they are underneath all the achieving and chasing. And from that more grounded place, they made better decisions about what was actually worth their energy. And from those decisions, along came flow.

When Being Present Becomes the Purpose

What if being present becomes the purpose vs forgetting to be present in order to chase meaning or find purpose?

I had a client who stopped chasing her “dream job” and chose financial safety first because that’s what she needed at the moment. So she can have the calm space to look for something more exciting. Three months later, the exact opportunity she’d been hunting for opened up, and she was in a stable enough position to pursue it without desperation. When you stop needing something so urgently, it often finds you.

Another client finally realized that choosing where to put her energy - her hobbies, her interests, her health - wasn’t giving up. The space she gave herself helped her detach from work outcomes. So she showed up more relaxed, braver, with stronger boundaries. The result? Better feedback and getting tapped for strategic opportunities. But by then, she wasn’t defining herself by these wins anymore.

This is what happens when people stop putting their worth on the outcome of the chase. They give themselves permission to feel safe, to do things they’ve wanted to do, to make choices based on what feels right for them and their context, rather than what looks impressive. The flow isn’t something they’re trying to achieve - it’s what emerges when they stop trying so hard to achieve everything else and just be present with themselves, their deepest wants, their realest needs.

Final Thoughts and Feelings

Maybe our purpose isn’t to chase being extraordinary nor to save the world.

Maybe it’s to notice the world. To experience it fully. And to find the extraordinary in the ordinary by being present for our own lives while we’re living it - not as preparation for something bigger, but as the thing itself. To find ease in being fully ourselves instead of constantly providing our worth.

Maybe it’s to let ourselves be human in a world that’s constantly asking us to be more. To find satisfaction and joy in every single moment. And to make decisions from a place of groundedness rather than anxiety. So we can see with more clarity the bajillion opportunities that are, often, already right in front of us.

This is what I think when “truly living becomes the purpose”, actually means. Not the outcomes we produce, but how present we are for the life we’re already living. It isn’t about what we build or achieve or change in the world. It’s about how fully we show up for the world, and for ourselves, exactly as we are, right now (and maybe just, maybe, we change the world in the process)

💙

Kax

p.s.

Honestly, I’ve had a lot of back and forth with myself if I should send out this newsletter because these are still thoughts and feelings I’m stewing in and processing. But there’s a strong pull to “think out loud” hence a shit ton of rambling for now.I’d love to read your thoughts, comments, or even violent reactions about this though!

Leave a comment

📌 Coaching Bulletin Board:

📣 I have 1:1 coaching slots open for:

• Senior functional experts in tech who want to stop waiting for recognition and start creating their own opportunities before year-end conversations begin.

• New Product, Dev, or UX leaders navigating the challenges and complexity (or even drama) of personal development conversations and promotion processes.

• Senior folks in tech who are feeling stuck in their careers but not sure what they want for “what’s next,” much less where to start.

Book a discovery call with me and let’s have a chat about how partnering on a coaching collaboration can be a fit for your goals.

If you're already feeling a knot in your stomach thinking about these conversations, then this post is for you.

After coaching dozens of PMs through promotion cycles, and having been through them myself, I've learned that promotion processes are a game and it’s a game you can’t win unless you start playing offense.

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The Defense Player's Reality

I know this cycle intimately because I lived it.

Once upon a time, when I was a young and innocent Product Manager, I worked my ass off, delivered measurable impact, only to find out my peers were leveled higher than I was. But I still waited until “proper” development conversations to bring up promotion, only to hear reasons why I wasn't ready yet that felt completely invalid. It didn't help that my managers kept changing so every conversation started from scratch.

Then I lost out on a leadership position simply because I wasn't communicating that I wanted it, while someone else was crystal clear about their goals.

This is what playing defense looks like: waiting for things to happen TO you, assuming your work will speak for itself, and hoping someone else will advocate for your advancement.

And this defense mindset is even more pronounced for women and women of color who have been taught since forever to keep our heads down, do our jobs well, and don't make trouble. And asking for promotions can feel EXACTLY like making trouble.

Doing the job well doesn't necessarily equate to being ready for the next level. It just means you know how to work at your current level well.

And when managers say "not ready yet," what they usually mean is “we haven't been having ongoing conversations about your development all year, I don't have a clear picture of your impact beyond task completion, you haven't shown me what you'd do differently at the next level, and I don't feel confident betting on your future potential because I only see your present execution”.

Playing defense is exhausting.

There's this persistent feeling of invisibility, like you're working twice as hard but somehow, you're missing out in the important conversations and decisions.

You end up burned out, not from the work itself, but from the constant low-level anxiety of wondering if anyone notices what you're doing.

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Why The System Rewards Offense Players (And What Defense Players Miss)

So why does the system reward players who play offense?

It comes down to three key things defense players miss:

• When you're head down deep in the work, you miss out on the opportunity to create the perception of being ready. You miss out on opportunities to build relationships with people whose opinions matter about whether or not you're strategic, and people who can advocate for you when your manager cannot.

• When you don't ask for promotions, you miss out on the opportunity to build a case AND an action plan to make this real with your manager. Getting your manager in on the game early helps you prioritize what you actually need to work on and make a plan to make this happen. Their support is necessary.

• Impact is always going to be the key. If you're stuck in meetings or staying up late answering every Slack message, you miss out on the opportunities to create real impact or try and share the learnings from what you've created (which is what the company truly needs).

The promotion system isn't actually about rewarding hard work because if it were, the hardest-working people would always get promoted, and we all know that's not how it works. *side-eye to … the world*

Promotions are bets on future potential (you can read it straight from the horse’s mouths here in a previous issue). And the people making decisions (your managers and promotion committees) don't bet on defense players because the risk is too high. Instead, they bet on people who demonstrate self-leadership.

How offense players practice self-leadership:

• They align expectations early and often on what "awesome" looks like

• They manage up about progress toward goals, not just project updates

• They give themselves permission to do more of what's important vs what's being asked from them even if it means pushing back

• They can navigate uncertainty calmly and can turn chaos into a fun little adventure

• They’re not afraid to be visible for both the good things and the bad things

The system rewards offense players because they demonstrate the exact behavior that senior roles require: taking ownership, driving alignment, and creating opportunities rather than waiting for them.

But what is self-leadership, really?

It's trusting yourself enough to make decisions based on your values and goals rather than just reacting to whatever gets thrown at you. It's knowing your strengths and leaning into them instead of constantly trying to fix your weaknesses. And it's being grounded enough in who you are that you can navigate conflict, pressure, and uncertainty without losing yourself in the process.

☎️ When you lead yourself first, opportunities start finding you instead of you chasing them. If you're ready to flip that switch and build unshakeable confidence in your career path, let's discuss how that can look for you specifically. 

Book a discovery call with me and let's talk about how coaching might be able to help you with your career.

How To Flip From Defense to Offense (Starting Today)

If you're reading this and thinking "fuuuuuuuuck, I've been playing defense all year!"… Don't panic because you have plenty of time to shift this if you start now.

⚡ Quick wins: In your 1:1s, start doing these

• Talk about progress toward goals, not just projects

• Share your next steps and challenges before they become problems

• Reinforce who you already are while addressing the gaps

• Have a plan for how you're filling in the gaps (don't just acknowledge them)

• Ask yourself whether you're giving yourself space to do more of what you is important or are you constantly just fighting fires day in and day out

⛑️ The promotion conversation you actually need to have:

Most people approach promotion conversations asking for it instead of making a case. This is how you get a million variations of “you’re not ready” as a response.

Don't walk into your next 1:1 and say "I want a promotion".

Walk in and say "Based on the impact I've been having, I believe I'm ready for the next level, and here are the 10 million reasons why."

🧰 The conversation should sound like this: 

"Over the past year, I've been operating at the next level in these ways... [specific examples]. The impact has been [concrete outcomes]. I've been thinking about my next step, and I'd love to discuss what a promotion to [specific role] would look like and how we can make that happen this cycle."

Notice what's different? You're not asking IF you can be promoted. You're discussing HOW it can happen based on evidence you've already established.

Even if this specific promotion doesn't happen this cycle, having this conversation builds the muscle of advocating for yourself and gets you clearer data about what advancement looks like at your company. Both of which serve you long-term.

💡 When You Don't Know Your Impact (And How To Figure It Out Fast)

But this is what trips most people up: they don't actually know how to talk about their impact in terms that matter for promotions. They may not know or have been focused on execution. Whatever the reason is, the more senior you become, the more impact becomes the language of the game.

Start with what the business actually cares about:

• Value: Did you solve real problems that users actually cared about? Did your work directly contribute to making money or saving money?

• Efficiency: Did you eliminate waste, reduce time-to-market, or streamline processes?

• Team performance: Did your work enable others to be more effective?

If you don't have hard numbers, look for these signs:

• Before/after scenarios: "Before we implemented X, the team spent 3 hours a week on manual processes. Now it's automated."

• Stakeholder feedback: "Our customer support team reports 40% fewer tickets related to this feature."

• Process improvements: "We reduced our deployment time from 2 weeks to 3 days."

When you genuinely don't have data, create a plan to get it:

Tell your manager. For example:

🧰 "I realize I don't have strong metrics on my impact yet, and I want to fix that. Can we align on what success metrics would look like for my current work so I can track them going forward?"

This actually demonstrates exactly the kind of self-leadership that gets people promoted: recognizing a gap and taking ownership of solving it rather than waiting for someone else to tell you what to measure.

🧰 Your September Action Plan

This coming week:

• Audit your work from the past 6 months using the impact framework above

• Draft your promotion case: "I've been operating at the next level by... with impact of..."

• Book a personal development conversation with your manager (separate from your regular 1:1)

This month:

• Have the promotion conversation using your impact case as the foundation

• Ask: "Based on this impact, what else would need to be true for promotion this cycle?"

• Start tracking metrics for the current work so you have data going forward

This quarter:

• Build one new relationship with someone who can advocate for your promotion case

• Document new impact as it happens (don't wait until next review cycle)

• Share the impact and learnings widely and often

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What Happens When You Don't Get Promoted (And Why That's Not Actually The Point)

But sometimes it's not even about you. I have a client right now who's doing everything right. She’s performing at the next level, has her manager's support, had the promotion conversation early in the year; but getting blocked by systemic barriers that have nothing to do with her readiness.

She's been at the company less than a year, promotion calibrations happen mid-year so she has to wait months, and committee members think promoting someone so "new" feels too early and they’ve been pushing back on making her an exceptional case.

There's nothing objective about this, which is the nature of promotions themselves

A lot of what happens in promotion decisions is outside our control: the process itself, the fact that managers aren't the only ones making decisions, budget constraints, or roles that just don't exist (especially the more senior you become).

The ultimate value of playing offense isn't actually getting the promotion: it's that YOU start to know your own value.

You learn to speak about your contributions with confidence, and you stop tying your worth to what other people think.

💡 Not getting promoted doesn't make you less valuable, and when you're grounded in your own value through self-leadership, rejection becomes information rather than devastation.

Playing offense becomes about finding a fit for yourself:a role, scope, and recognition that match what you bring to the table.

Promotions are opportunities. And playing offense asks you to know what that promotion actually means: Is the additional scope what you want, or do you want it because it makes you feel important?

TL;DR

The promotion system feels rigged because it rewards self-leadership in a world that trains us to seek external validation. You can't think about your promotion in one day, or even one month, it's about being honest with yourself about how you're spending your time, having allies who can speak for you, and trusting yourself enough that the promotion becomes acknowledgment rather than validation.

Stop waiting for development conversations to happen TO you. Start leading yourself first, and let that self-leadership drive how you show up in every conversation.

📌 Coaching Bulletin Board:

Ready to stop playing defense and start building your offense playbook? If you're ready to flip the script and start leading yourself through your career development, I'd love to help you build that strategy.

📣 I have 1:1 coaching slots open for:

• Senior functional experts in tech who want to stop waiting for recognition and start creating their own opportunities before year-end conversations begin.

• New Product, Dev, or UX leaders navigating the challenges and complexity (or even drama) of personal development conversations and promotion processes.

• Senior folks in tech who are feeling stuck in their careers but not sure what they want for “what’s next” much less where to start.

Book a discovery call with me and let’s have a chat about how partnering on a coaching collaboration can be a fit for your goals.

If you got to this part of this newsletter, thanks for staying with me until the end. And thank you for sharing with me topics that you’d like for me to share my thoughts, feelings, and violent reactions on.

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💙
Kax

• Most people, when they’re new to leadership optimize for the visible side of leadership. Because it’s what’s on our JD and what gets noticed AND eventually get rewarded by the system we’re operating in.

• But the invisible side of leadership, the shadow side, is 50% of the job. It’s what makes having an impact sustainable for leaders and their team.The “shadow side” is the part of leadership most people try to suppress or don’t even realize they have. But they leak out anyway in our everyday interactions and decisions whether we’re aware or not.

• The integration of the shadow side of leadership is learning to lead yourself. And being able to lead yourself well asks us to be aware of our beliefs and our values that influence the way we feel towards the situations and challenges we face in our leadership and how we respond to them.

Last we left off, we already started exploring how we can begin leading ourself: by getting curious about our beliefs, surfacing what we already bring to the table, and embracing failure and starting to see it as a natural part of growth.

So now we get to the fun part.

How do we connect the dots between leading ourselves and leading others? How do the two work together and make us effective leaders?

Your role as a leader

Before anything else, I want to put on the table again what your role is as a leader so we have something to align on. Especially for the new ones who don’t get their role framed helpfully aside from being given a list of responsibilities.

Our roles as leaders is to create the right environment and conditions for our teams to successfully deliver value.

This means:

1. Strategic alignment - make sure that there is a clear alignment between you and the team, the leadership, the stakeholders on what the goals are and what needs to be prioritized to get there

2. Set up the organization - hire the right people, provide training access to your team, make sure they have the right tools and processes to get their work done.

3. Coach and mentor - help people do their job and do it well, develop the next generation of leaders, and coach them to face their challenges with confidence and cheek.

But in between the lines of trying to set up the environment for teams to succeed, there will always be misalignment, politics, conflict, pressure (*side eye to the founders/executives who keep changing the company goals every 6 months*). And it’s in these in between, is where our self-leadership lives.

The Cost of the lack of Self-Leadership

Becoming a leader is cool and all, but it’d be super difficult to hold the responsibility of being a leader if we don’t know how to lead ourselves.

What do I mean? If we’re unable to lead ourselves:

1. Every conflict can feel like a personal attack.

2. Everybody’s needs will feel like an emergency that needs an immediate solution.

3. Seeking visibility or navigating politics will feel like selling our souls to the devil.

4. The uncertainty that comes with the job will put us in a constant fight-flight-freeze cycle.

5. And everybody else will feel like they’ve got their shit together… except us.

And what’s the impact of these things on our work as leaders? How do they impact the team and other people we work with?

A. When every conflict feels like a personal attack - we tend to avoid it in favor of trying to keep people happy.

• We’ll soften feedback; which can impact the team’s performance

• We’ll optimize for consensus vs clarity; which can delay decision making or dilute the impact of what we’re doing

• We’ll bury the feelings under the guise of not wanting to get into an argument; but this can fester into resentment over time, which can harm our overall collaboration by creating biases for us that impact our interactions (not to mention the impact of unreleased anger on our health)

B. Everybody’s needs will feel like an emergency that needs an immediate solution - so we tend to take it upon ourselves to figure out a solution for everybody.

• For the people in our team, we’re not coaching them to learn to be independent or navigate their own challenges

• Not pushing back on our peers and our leaders is also “training” them that prioritization is optional

C. Seeking visibility or navigating politics will feel like selling our souls to the devil - so we avoid it to not be a sell out.

• But avoiding visibility and politics dilutes potential for influence and removes opportunities for the organization to trust us.

• And for us leaders, especially in corporate tech, influence and trust are the currencies of our work. It’s how we gain agreement more easily or how we’re able to push back without the negative recoil.

• Opportunities we fail to open up through influence and trust are opportunities we fail to open for our teams, too, to have more impact and even growth.

D. The uncertainty that comes with the job will put us in a constant fight-flight-freeze cycle. - as leaders, our job is to try to provide certainty to our teams but that means being able to navigate uncertainty ourselves. And if we can’t?

• That energy will seep into our interactions, whether we do it consciously or not, and our teams will inherit the stress from us.

• Being in constant fight, flight, or freeze mode is us trying to be safe. Or our brains are trying to be safe. So it’ll get us playing defense or playing small instead of trying to push the boundaries of innovation lest we make a mistake.

E. Everybody else will feel like they’ve got their shit together… except us.

• And then we try to prove to ourselves that we’re fit for the role. But operating in constant proving doesn’t give space for our own wisdom and expertise to emerge. Because we’re constantly seeking approval from other people who have their own biases and motivations.

• Which also means we’re spending more time trying to fill in our gaps vs leaning into our strengthts that can have bigger returns in terms of impact and faster.

⛑️ Are you seeing potentia gaps in how you might be leading yourself can impact how you're leading others?

When we lead ourselves first

In part 1 of this story, I’ve shared some tips on how you can start leading yourself: by shedding light on your shadow.

And while there are more, the gist of it all is to cultivate self-awareness of:

1. The drivers and beliefs behind our patterns

2. The reactions we have towards certain situations

3. The values and strengths that we already carry

4. The kind of leader we want to show up as day to day

5. Who we are outside of our work

Awareness is step one. Step two is turning it into action: using what you know about yourself to guide how you will choose to respond to the situation of conflict or pressure versus reacting based on your defaults.

Self-leadership and team leadership aren’t separate skills. They’re two sides of the same system. And here’s what that can look like in practice:

When conflict feels like a personal attack

• Before → You soften feedback, avoid the hard talk, or optimize for keeping everyone happy

• After → You still acknowledge the sting, but anchor yourself in the shared goal. You’ll be flexible where it matters, co-create solutions with the right people without fear of losing control, or strengthen your arguments to provide more clarity. Your interest will be on doing the right thing vs being right.

When every request feels urgent

• Before → You jump in, fix it yourself, and end the day buried under other people’s work.

• After → You don’t feel bad about slowing down to ask what’s really needed. You might even coach others to take the next step themselves. And saying “no, there’s no bandwidth for this” won’t leave a bitter taste in your mouth like it used to — leaving you to create space for what’s truly important.

When visibility or politics feels like selling out

• Before → You avoid it completely, keeping your work (and your team’s) in the shadows.

• After → You reframe it as giving your work and your team’s, a seat at the table, and you do it in a way that feels like you. And it becomes about sharing perspectives and knowledge so other people can learn from you too.

When uncertainty pushes you into fight-flight-freeze

• Before → You play it safe, make small moves, and unintentionally pass the stress down to your team.

• After → You’re ok with not knowing what you don’t know, give your team what certainty you can, and make the next best decision based on the information you have instead of waiting for perfection or readiness. You’re aware of the risks, minimize what you can, and mitigate for what you can’t. Failure is no longer a scary thing but an opportunity to do better next time.

When everyone else looks like they have it together

• Before → You overcompensate by proving yourself in every direction, burning through your energy while still feeling like not enough.

• After → You ground yourself in your strengths, lead from them, and choose whose feedback is worth integrating. Other people become an inspiration vs a goal post that keeps moving.

Working with your shadow won’t make the discomfort vanish. But when you work with it instead of against it, you stop letting your old patterns run the show. And your leadership presence stops being reactive and starts being intentional.

And this is when the outside, the more visible parts of your leadership start to change.

⛑️ If you're a new leader or a middle manager finding the day-to-day of your leadership life challenging, it might be time to face your shadows and challenge old patterns and beliefs that might be holding you back from creating the right environment for you and your team to succeed.

Click here to join my 90 minute guided session on August 27:
"Leading through the Messy Middle" 

In this workshop, we'll take the time to surface your shadow, design a new way of leading, so that you can lead more effectively but without the burnout.

Inside-Out leadership is simple, though not easy.

The Inside-Out leadership starts with who you are, not just what you do. It asks you to know your values, energy, and patterns and how they shape your presence as a leader. The more grounded you are on the inside, the more effective and sustainable your impact on the outside becomes.

You’ve probably heard that “to become an effective leader requires an identity shift”. But a lot of people make the mistake is thinking that means becoming someone you’re not. So they resist and keep pushing through with trying to do better work. Sometimes there’s impact. But it’s rarely sustainable. And when a new challenge comes in, they start from zero all over again.

What I do with my clients is different: we define the kind of leader they want to be. As in the one who makes things happen, acts in line with their values, and protects space in their calendar to think and breathe.

We don’t create a brand new persona. Instead, we create habits that reinforces their ideal leader self and let go of old beliefs that no longer serve them. So that they can always embody who they’ve always been at their best: minus the fear, empowered by their ambition, and aligned with their values.

Because as leaders, especially the ones in the middle, misalignment, conflict, and uncertainty are pretty much what we face every single day.

For example, we won’t agree with every company decision, nor will we be able to influence all of them. But when we’re aligned with the highest version of ourselves, we trust ourselves to navigate it. We can choose how we will deliver a tough decision, how we can motivate people to commit (even though they might disagree too), and how we can still deliver excellent results with our team regardless of how we might feel about it. And these things will matter more than the decision itself.

That’s the Inside-Out approach in action: your inner work doesn’t just make you feel better; it also directly expands your capacity to lead so you can create the right conditions and environment for your team to succeed.

Leadership will change you, but not because you become someone else. At the end of the day, it’s not about fixing yourself (there’s nothing to fix). It’s about trusting yourself enough to lead as you are… at your best.

The Inside-Out approach asks you to remember who you’ve always been, and letting that version take the lead.

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📌 Coaching Bulletin Board:

📌 I’m doing a 90-minute leadership reset for new leaders who are feeling bogged down while navigating the murky and messy life of being a middle manager. It’s a few weeks from now. Join me!

📌 1:1 Coaching for the new Product, UX, and Tech Leaders going through career dilemmas. If this is you, I’d love to help you define your strategies to set yourself and your team up for success. Book a free call and let’s discuss how we can work together.

If you got to this part of this newsletter, thanks for staying with me until the end. And thank you for sharing with me topics that you’d like for me to share my thoughts, feelings, and violent reactions on.

Share

💙
Kax

I wish someone had handed them a manual on what being a leader actually means, before they said, “Yeah! Let’s do this!” 😂

More often than not, people who get promoted to leadership aren’t ready… but through no fault of their own. The jump from IC to first-time manager is abrupt. Some get lucky and have great managers who guide them through it. But most don’t.

Their title changes on Workday, their boss announces it in an all-hands, and off they go… trying to lead while also trying to look like they already know how (because nobody can know they feel like a headless chicken).

The role can be incredibly fun and fulfilling. But it can also be an express lane to burnout-ville if you’re not careful.

There’s plenty of talk about what good leaders should or shouldn’t do.

But not many people talk about how:

1. You can be a great manager, hire only A players/rockstars/whatever the term of this era of the industry is, and never miss 1:1s, and still end the day feeling drained as hell?

2. You can learn all the frameworks, run the sessions/workshops, and create decks that get passed around the company, but people are still giving you feedback left and righ,t saying you’re not being strategic.

3. You can follow all the best practices, do the “good” stuff, and stop doing the “bad” stuff and still feel like you’re doing it all wrong.

And that feeling: of not knowing what you’re doing wrong, of second-guessing your every word, of ending the day joyless and tense — that’s actually where all the problems start

Ok ok, now that we have that clear... What does that mean?

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Optimizing for the visible side of leadership

The stuff people can see is what gets measured. So of course, we focus on it first.

It’s what gets recognized and eventually rewarded (because it’s what’s included in the Job Description). So it’s also what stakeholders and senior leadership watch out for to evaluate.

I’ve once talked about the 3 overlapping hats that leaders need to wear at any given time. There’s just so much to do. And for new leaders, all of it is new.

So naturally, we optimize what we can see. A bit hard to work on something you’re not even sure was there in the first place, right?

But not working on the shadow side makes for a weak leadership foundation. And eventually, cracks will start to show. Not always in one fell swoop, but slowly like having a hang nail that’s not so bad, but you can’t help but pick on it until the mild annoyance becomes a bleeding mess.

The impact of an underdeveloped shadow side is not always seen immediately. But they compound. Because most of the challenging moments are not just about the tasks alone — they’re also about how we respond under pressure, how we protect our energy, and how we manage our stories about ourselves:

• There’s always a Slack message asking for 5 minutes

• When we keep softening feedback because we don’t want to offend anybody but that only enables bad behaviors to continue

• The 10th company-wide email about how you’re all a family and everybody’s contribution is important. That’s followed by a 30-minute secret call that’s asking all managers to evaluate who gets to stay or go because AI is taking over the world, obviously.

And unfortunately, no amount of re-reading Radical Candor, Leaders Eat Last, or Empowered can help ease the inner conflict.

So now what?

Is the new leader just not good enough or not working hard enough?

You already know the answer — of course not. It’s just that the tools that they’ve been handed are the ones that are not enough.

We try to match what’s in the JD because that’s what people notice and promote. But that version of leadership has a shelf life.

The visible parts of leadership do not replenish. It only demands. It demands that your back is straight and your answers are polished. So you always look like you’re on top of things.

And that’s when new leaders start realizing that the job isn’t just about creating strategies to execute, hiring A-players and rockstars, or negotiating with nearly everybody in the organization about the priorities. That’s just one half of it.

The other half is about having the strength in your knees to keep standing when the storm is at its peak (or maybe even walk away if that’s what’s needed). And that’s hard work too.

✍️ What's the biggest challenge you're facing right now as a leader? 

Feel free to share in the comments. The more people share, the more we realize we're not alone. ❤️

The “shadow” side of leadership

Underneath the tangible side of leadership is the actual job. And the actual job is layered and deeply human.

Leadership is a constant negotiation between what the business needs, what the team needs, and what you need — and when those 3 are misaligned, the work becomes harder than it already is.

It’s not that people are hiding this part of the job. Most of us just never had it modeled.
We’re taught how to lead others, but rarely how to lead ourselves. And yet, those two sides are always in motion together.

Leading others is the visible side of the work: the skill-based work that you can learn from books, trainings, and copying what others are doing. Like managing a budget, writing a performance review, aligning on team goals, or figuring out who to hire next. It’s the part that fills your calendar and your to-do list. The part that gets evaluated and tracked. This part we know so well.

Leading yourself is the internal side: the shadow work of understanding your values, regulating your energy, recognizing your defaults. It’s asking why certain feedback hits a nerve. Why you avoid hard conversations. Why you keep second-guessing your own decisions. It's the part that enables the execution of the external side of leadership.

It’s the part most people skip because it wasn’t explicit in the JD. Fair! Because how do you write in the JD that your ideal leader should know their values to let them shape their decisions???

Leading yourself means noticing your defaults and being honest about whether they still serve you so you can decide when to hold your ground and when to adjust. It doesn't mean being 100% unshakeable (that requires shaolin training more than coaching). It’s about knowing what’s shaking you, and responding with intention instead of instinct.

And how does it look like when we don’t lead ourselves? This is when the internal patterns start leaking into the external execution:

• When we keep saying yes to every "do you have 5 minutes?” that we leave no time for the work we actually do, rendering all those tools and frameworks useless

• When we keep softening feedback because we don’t want to offend anybody, but that only enables bad behaviors to continue

• When we keep getting into spats with our stakeholders and senior leaders, simplify the situation as them being difficult because we also don’t want to back down.

These examples just go to show that the two sides aren’t separate. They flow with each other. Your internal patterns will always shape your external performance, whether you’re aware of them or not. And your external performance can influence your external patterns (whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing depends on you).

⛑️ If you're a new leader finding the day-to-day of your new leadership life challenging, I'd love to support you. I have a few slots open from September. 

🔗 Click here to book a discovery call with me and let’s chat about how I might be able to help you.

Leading Yourself: Shedding light on the Shadow side of Leadership

There’s no such thing as perfect leadership. But when we know how to lead ourselves, putting in place the tools we have to lead others will come with less struggle or even less cost (especially to ourselves so we can keep going).

What does leading ourselves mean?

It starts with this: Noticing your internal patterns before they become the driver for your reactions.

How does one start with leading one’s self?

• Starting with curiosity. Examining the feelings and thoughts that come up, noticing when we’re reacting on autopilot, and asking ourselves where that reaction is coming from — and whether it still serves the kind of leader we’re trying to become.

  Examples: 
  
  1. Why are we feeling the pressure to have all the answers out right and why are we afraid to admit that maybe we don't know? 
  
  2. Why do we feel icky when we need to talk about the work we've done to more people? 
  
  3. Why is it that when we find something easy, it doesn't feel real? 

• Having awareness of what we already bring to the table. Most people are quick to identify what they’re lacking. And that’s great, personal development should be a life-long experience. But from my experience, people usually have a very hard time identifying their strengths and talents. And we’re quick to believe that progress and success should come with struggle. But what if it could come with ease, too? Leaning into our strengths can have a higher ROI than constantly trying to fill in our gaps.

• Embracing failure. Failure is inevitable. And that’s a good thing! It’s the gateway to learning, if we let it. If we set our egos aside and don’t see failure as a challenge to our identity. We might even enjoy the process.

And when things feel political or messy, it helps to pause before writing the whole situation off as toxic. Sometimes that’s true, but sometimes it’s just a mismatch of incentives, context, or trust that hasn’t been built yet.

There are moree and this is a much simplified version, but there are a lot of things to start with here already.

Integrating the Inside and the Outside

So how does this all work together?

What do you actually do with this awareness of internal patterns, defaults, and shadow work — especially when you're still expected to show up, make decisions, and hit goals every week?

We’ll get into that next.

Part 2 is where we start connecting the dots between the internal work and the day-to-day stuff: meetings, decisions, tension, feedback, and all the messy human bits in between.

But for now, I’ll pause here before this turns into an ebook😂

If you’re not subscribed yet, this is your sign! So you don’t miss the next chapter of Integrating the Shadow 🌚

Subscribe now

TL;DR

Most new leaders get handed a role, not a roadmap. So they pour their energy into what’s visible because that’s what gets rewarded. But over time, that version of leadership starts to fray. Because no one told them the internal side matters just as much.

And when that internal foundation, your values, your patterns, your energy, is ignored, it starts leaking into how you lead. That’s when things get murky. You say yes too much. You soften when you should hold the line. You react instead of responding.

Leading others is half the job. The other half is learning how to lead yourself. And no, it doesn’t make it easier. But it does make it more sustainable.

📌 Coaching Bulletin Board:

📌 I’m doing a 90-minute leadership reset for new leaders who are feeling bogged down while navigating the murky and messy life of being a middle manager. It’s a few weeks from now. Join me!

📌 1:1 Coaching for the new Product, UX, and Tech Leaders going through career dilemmas. If this is you, I’d love to help you define your strategies to set yourself and your team up for success. Book a free call and let’s discuss how we can work together.

If you got to this part of this newsletter, thanks for staying with me until the end. And thank you for sharing with me topics that you’d like for me to share my thoughts, feelings, and violent reactions on.

Share

💙
Kax

Inside “From Stuck to Expansive”, we had an open discussion that brought this question to the surface in a very real way.

Everybody was sharing updates on the experiments they’d been running from Phase 2, like:

• the workshops they're setting up

• posting on social media to attract beta testers for their MVP

• or building visibility to attract potential first clients for their side hustle.

Super cool things were shared! I was excited for all these new opportunities that the participants were creating for themselves and impressed by how much insights they’ve gathered in just 3 weeks.

But most of all, I was amazed at how much the participants have grown since we first started.

But woven into some of those updates was also a different version of the same story that came up at the beginning of the program.

Some were already feeling behind so soon just after they started experimenting.

When asked why, it was because the results they were looking for hasn't happened yet. And somehow, there’s a dotted line between the lack of results and that they’re just not good enough.

And when we unpacked that frustration and many other feelings that went with it, what we surfaced together was this:

The urgency wasn’t just about results.

It was about meaning and wanting to feel like they were on the right track and that all the effort was worth it.

I could tell you about how beautiful it was to hear them come to a different conclusion from what they were initially feeling and also, coach each other through their concerns... but I'll save that story for next time.

But here’s the reminder we landed on (one every Product builder already knows but still needs to be reminded of):

You’re not going to figure it all out in a single sprint. That’s why we run experiments to learn, to iterate, and to shift whenever necessary. You know, agile.

And that's why, alongside these experiments, is a deeper purpose to the Stuck to Expansive program — to create a space where we can safely surface what’s really holding us back, so we can dismantle it and build something more empowering in its place.

The lack of results isn’t proof of failure. And it’s definitely not proof that they’re the problem. It just means the learning is still happening.

And quite frankly, this will never stop.

And isn't that marvelous?

Chasing the answer vs living the question

It brought me back to my own version of this story, though my frustration didn’t come from feeling slow. It came from feeling… unsatisfied.

It started with this: It started with wanting petty revenge for not getting the promotion and salary increase I wanted.

Quick backstory: The year before I found out that I was the lowest leveled and lowest paid PM in our group even if I was working on the arguably highest impact product at that time. (I wrote about this backstory in this post and why I couldn’t just leave).

And what followed closely was dissatisfaction. The need for something else, because what I needed was not being met in my current situation

I didn't know exactly what that something else was. But I knew that I needed to do something. Anything was better than feeling undervalued… or worse not enough.

So in 2019, I gave myself permission to try. It was my year of yes.

• I started teaching Product Management at AllWomen.

• Ran Product management-related workshops for companies.

• I co-created Career Hacking for Women, a community for women who were feeling unsatisfied with their career trajectory (like I was) with my friends

• I went online to write about my thoughts, feelings, and violent reactions about Product Management

• And soon after that, I started going up on stage to talk about them too.

By 2020, I was running career-related bootcamps through Career Hacking for Women ,being INVITED to speak in podcasts AND conferences, and I onboarded my first ever paid coaching client.

I stopped doing Product-related workshops, though, after I realized that I wasn’t such a big fan of doing it. 😅

Those moments weren’t about building a brand (at least not yet). They were just me, trying things on. Seeing what fit and what didn’t.

And in that trying, I learned more about what I was great at and wanted to keep doing. I think what was the biggest insight was that I got a glimpse of what else my career can look like.

And the excitement for the possibilities made up for whatever confidence I may have been missing at that time.

None of these decisions were part of a great big and important career strategy (I wish they were, and maybe this would be a sexier story), I just decided on them because they felt like the next thing was worth exploring. But these experiments and the insights gleaned were what made up the strategy later on.

And this is the point, we don’t always have to chase the answer.
Sometimes, living the question is the work.
The answers will come eventually.

 🧠 If there was no pressure to see results by... yesterday - what would you want to try doing today?

Growth as a natural part of evolution

The more I explored and experimented on what else I could do, the more I saw what actually created lasting growth.

It wasn’t more frameworks or more skills, though learning more certainly of those definitely helped.

It wasn't just the existential angst crisis or the righteous rage against job ladders. Although I won't lie, these were great motivators too and they gave me the push to want something different and to do things differently.

But it was reconnecting with myself that the search for growth became a natural part of my evolution. And surfacing my values, interests, and definition of success to create an inner compass that I could use to evaluate opportunities (as much as they evaluated me) became my default tools to start filtering out what was a fit and what was not.

Now here we are, 5 years later, making a living out of the things that I was curious about, thought could be exciting, and could be a wonderful enabler to the life I wanted to live.

I wanted to see if I could. So I did.

Of course in between, I made a ton of mistakes and made shitty choices. While I was aligned, I was not infallible. 😂 I also changed my mind a lot. Maybe because they weren’t as fun as I thought they would be in the beginning or because I kept changing as a human being and found out more things about myself and so my compass also kept iterating.

A lot of us have spent most of our career years operating in high-stakes, fast-paced environments. And every day, we're exposed to all the talk in the industry about acceleration — not just about our products but also for our own personal growth. So we've become REALLY good at keeping up.

Look, acceleration on its own is not a bad thing. But when left unchecked, it CAN make us lose touch with ourselves.

And this is when we start chasing outcomes and titles, thinking that's what career growth truly is.

But what if the growth doesn't need to come from doing more or from 5 year plans?

Where else can it come from then? And that my friends, is the question I recommend to always keep asking.

When we give space to curiosity and lean into the joy of wanting to find out what happens if we push the red button, the quieter the noise of doubt becomes.

How? Because we finally start living in the experience of today vs living in the fear of uncertainty from tomorrow that at best is merely a possibility. And when curiosity drives us, we open ourselves up more to infinite possibilities.

🧠 Question for readers: Where in your career are you following rules—and where are you letting yourself play?

Fear of Missing Out vs Joy of Finding Out

We’re so afraid of missing out that we miss the joy of finding out.

There's a thrill that can be found when we're testing and excited about the insight that we can get from it.

Every time we test an idea, we shrink the size of our fear and build real confidence, not imagined, not borrowed, but earned through movement.

We get to look uncertainty in the eye and say, "I'm figuring you out." And we give our doubts a chance to be wrong.

And eventually, there's also the peace that comes with choosing alignment over urgency. To choose opportunities that fit us and make sense for the life we want to have vs what we think we should have, because apparently there's some unspoken rule when it comes to career that we should be following.

So if you’re asking yourself if your career is going too slow or going nowhere, this is your reminder:

Your career is not just about getting somewhere fast.
It’s a space to experience more of yourself. To learn. To lead. And to evolve.

It’s okay to want more. In fact, I hope we all keep wanting more.
But my hope (and my work) is that we also enjoy the journey and adventure of getting it.

❤️

Kax

p.s.
Nobody gets it right on the first try. That's not the point.
The point is to try, to learn, and to see what takes shape from there.

p.p.s. wrote a beautiful piece on the importance of finding joy.

⛑️ If you’re feeling small in your career, feeling like you’re not getting the results of the work that you’re doing, or feeling like you're stuck in a space that's no longer a fit for you —- lean into your curiosity. 

And if you want to see what could be on the other side of your feelings, I'd love to support you.  

🔗 Click here to book a discovery call with me and let's see how coaching can look like for you.

📌 Coaching Bulletin Board:

Why I coach: I believe that if there are more and more people prioritize their wellbeing, choose career moves that are in alignment with their values and ambition, and help others do the same — then we can change how this industry operates and make it more kind, human, and in service of the people (and not just the investors).

📌 If you’re going through some big hairy challenges that you can’t seem to figure out right now, I’m hosting a 90-minute free workshop on July 15, 2025! Join me!

📌 I’m building something for first-time Product, UX, and Tech leaders. If you’re struggling to empower your team, deliver the impact that matters to the business, influence people within your organization, and try to stay sane through it all, I’d love to support you. I’m looking for 10-15 people to pilot the Leadership Lab with me. You can read all about it and sign up for the waitlist here.

📌 But if you feel that a dedicated space is what you need, then 1:1 Coaching might be the space for you. For the new and emerging leaders in Product, UX, and Tech going through career dilemmas, I’d love to help you define your strategies to set yourself and your team up for success. Book a free call and let’s discuss how we can work together.

If you got to this part of this newsletter, thanks for staying with me until the end. And thank you for sharing with me topics that you’d like for me to share my thoughts, feelings, and violent reactions on.

Ok, that’s an exaggeration, but it’s how I was “trained” for the majority of my life. Think about the worst-case scenarios and be the high-performer who gets out of it unscathed.

My relationship with uncertainty is funny. I’m not technically afraid of it. But that’s probably because I’ve already laid out 20 different scenarios of how things could play out and 100 possibilities to prevent the bad things from happening. That by the time the uncertainty has passed, I’m just exhausted.

I remember that an ex-manager had to keep reminding me that we’re Product Managers, not heart surgeons. So the worst catastrophe that I’m imagining, in real life, would probably be… not that bad actually.

But that didn’t stop me from worrying the hell out of whatever it is that I was worrying about anyway.

These days, I have a different perspective, though.

I still have the thoughts, but I no longer let them run the show and drive me to the drawing board, making Plan Bs to Zs.

Instead, I do this:

• I ground myself on my why (my vision, my goals, what I want to achieve)

• Remind myself that the version of myself who can make this real is already in me.

• And I design the next move or decision that’s aligned with what I want, not with what I’m afraid of.

It’s not always pretty. But it’s working.

A common pattern with fears

It’s the same pattern I see with my coaching clients who work with me because they want to become better leaders, or just want to wake up on Monday with the dread. Same pattern, maybe different scripts.

They spend most of their time and energy managing their fears:

• of being judged

• of making the wrong move and failing

• of not being deserving of the many things they want for themselves

So they manage their fears by saying yes to all the work, delaying a decision until everybody’s happy with it (even if they’re not sure they are anymore), measuring their growth against other people’s definition of success.

It can look like the responsible and productive thing to do. There’s a catch, though.

When we’re so busy managing our fears and optimizing for being seen positively by the rest of the world, we’re not really being seen — for ourselves, our strengths, our impact, and everything that we stand for.

And when we become really good at managing our fears, we neglect to build the muscles that help us overcome them.

Here’s what's scarier than other people thinking we’re weird or being bad at something that we fail:

1. Not spending our time and energy on things that bring us joy

2. Not living our lives and expressing ourselves fully

3. Burning out because of misalignment

And then we wonder why we feel stuck. Why we’re not in the spaces that fit our needs, our values, and our dreams.

⛑️ If you’re feeling small in your career, feeling like you’re not being recognized for your work, or not getting the results of the work that you’re doing —- it might be because you're managing your fear vs truly expressing your expertise through your work. 

If you want to change you feel about your day to day and bring results, working with a coach can help you with that. 

🔗 Click here to book a discovery call with me and let's see how coaching can look like for you.

A confession

I’m extremely afraid of not having both feet on stable, flat ground. This makes me afraid of going down the stairs sometimes. Even more in yoga and pilates, wherein half of the time, I’m being asked to be either be upside down or standing on things that move on their own. In my head, I’m always going to end up falling, head first, and then break my neck. Morbid, I know.

At first, I had all the excuses. Anything I can come up with that can help me skip out on the movement that triggered my fear.

Then, eventually, I realized I was missing out on an opportunity to get stronger, have better balance, and the bragging rights of being able to say “I did an inverted pull-up in a Pilates chair!” 😅 (I realized after one of the trainers called me out finally lol)

So I slowly included it in my practice. A few seconds longer each time. But more than that, I’ve been helping myself feel safe while I do this new hard and scary thing. Taking it slow, pulling my feet up a little higher every single time, asking my teacher to make sure I’ve got my technique correct (or sometimes just asking them to stand next to me in case I fall lol).

A reminder that I can do hard things… even when my body, brain, and every past version of me say nope.

Which brings me to careers. Because how we relate to fear in one space often mirrors how we relate to it everywhere else.

The same way I used to avoid those movements, a lot of us avoid decisions or conversations or next steps that feel risky, even if they’re the very thing we need. And the more we avoid them, the weaker those muscles get.

So when we say we want confidence, what we often mean is: we want to feel safe doing the scary thing. But safety doesn’t come from perfecting our plans. It comes from building our capacity to act even when we don’t feel fully ready.

This is usually the turning point. When we stop focusing on how to make fear disappear, and instead start asking: what would courage look like right now?

That’s what I see over and over again with my clients: Confidence doesn’t come first. Courage does.

When courage is in the picture:

• We talk to our managers about building a promotion case

• We speak up in meetings to ask our question (that we might think is stupid)

• We say no to the opportunity that’s not really aligned with our ambition

Ok, but just to be clear. This isn’t a shift that’s forced by sheer will power alone. It comes from building a practice that’s rooted in aspiration.

This is how my clients and I are giving space for courage to take over our fears:

1. We get clear on our goals. The ideal scenario that we want to work towards. For some, it’s the kind of leader they want to be. For others, the role they aspire to have. For everybody, the kind of life they want to enable and the careers that can support it. We imagine the best-case scenarios. We allow ourselves to say out loud what we want for ourselves.

   Try this: It's 12 months from now, everything has worked out for you, what does life look like? What are you doing? How are you spending your time and your energy? 

2. Then we define the version of ourselves who can make this goal a reality. The version of themselves who already lives inside of them, maybe comes out in some situations, but not always. The one who is confident, for sure. But also the one who doesn’t feel the need to respond to every fire, gives feedback with care, doesn’t take feedback personally, and speaks kindly to themselves and others.

   Try this: It's 12 months from now, and everything has worked out for you. Who do you need to be to make this vision a reality? What beliefs are you carrying with you? Which ones have you let go of? What kind of decisions have you made to get there?  

3. Then we create the system that allows for that version of themselves to emerge all day, everyday, every damn day. (can’t believe there’s no TQ giphy 😮‍💨) We create awareness of their triggers and tendencies so they can shift from reacting to responding. We create habits and routines that raise their frequencies so they’re always attracting or creating opportunities. We experiment a lot so we can validate/invalidate the assumptions that are often linked with our fears.

   Try this: If you were 5% more like the version of yourselves who is capable of making your goal a reality, how would you show up today? tomorrow? 

Most of the people who start coaching with me want to get promoted to a leadership role, or turn their team’s situation around, or maybe even start a side hustle. Fair!

But to get there is a series of results that stack up. And these results come from everyday choices that we’re often afraid to take, and when we stop waiting to feel ready to take them.

• A piece of feedback given to a senior leader can lead to them tapping you to share your insights in more leadership meetings, which might bring a promotion later on.

• A 60-minute delay in replying to somebody’s Slack message asking if you have 5 minutes can give you more breathing room, which brings more space to think and work with your team to define a strategy

• A single introduction at a conference can lead to meaningful conversations, and then an invitation to speak at a conference.

We can’t attract or create opportunities if nobody can see us because we’re too afraid to show up the way we truly want to.

With my 1:1 clients and with the participants of my 8-week Stuck to Expansive Program, we always talk about how growth is not easy.

Growth can be frickin’ hard!

But you know what else is hard? Staying in the same place, unhappy, unfulfilled.

So here’s what I always end up saying:

Choose your hard. And if you can do hard things, you can do anything.

Question for you: What hard are you choosing to this week? The one that you’ve been afraid to try but could have an impact in your goals?

I'd love to know in the comments or you can reply to this email directly.

📌 Coaching Bulletin Board:

Why I coach: I believe that if there are more and more people prioritize their wellbeing, choose career moves that are in alignment with their values and ambition, and help others do the same — then we can change how this industry operates and make it more kind, human, and in service of the people (and not just the investors).

📌 If you’re going through some big hairy challenges that you can’t seem to figure out right now, I’m hosting a 90-minute free workshop on July 15, 2025! Join me!

📌 I’m building something for first-time Product, UX, and Tech leaders. If you’re struggling to empower your team, deliver the impact that matters to the business, influence people within your organization, and try to stay sane through it all, I’d love to support you. I’m looking for 10-15 people to pilot the Leadership Lab with me. You can read all about it and sign up for the waitlist here.

📌 But if you feel that a dedicated space is what you need, then 1:1 Coaching might be the space for you. For the new and emerging leaders in Product, UX, and Tech going through career dilemmas, I’d love to help you define your strategies to set yourself and your team up for success. Book a free call and let’s discuss how we can work together.

If you got to this part of this newsletter, thanks for staying with me until the end. And thank you for sharing with me topics that you’d like for me to share my thoughts, feelings, and violent reactions on.

❤️

Kax

What does that mean?

It means I created this group program for senior PMs/UXers/Engineers/functional experts who are now at a crossroads in their careers. They’ve done a lot and seen plenty, so now they’re asking themselves:

1. “I’ve been doing this for so long, and now I want to change, but I’m not sure what I want next.” They’ve built strong careers, but now they’re asking themselves if they should keep going down the same path even if it doesn’t feel so inspiring anymore, or should they change and try something new? What used to feel clear doesn’t anymore.

2. “I want more control over my career, but I’m afraid to make the wrong move.” They want more freedom and autonomy, but it all feels too risky, and they’re at the point in their lives where they feel like there’s only so much risk they can take.

3. “I have ideas, but I don’t know which one to follow. And even if I do, I’m not sure what the first step I should take is. Also, what if I’m wrong?” They’re tired, uninspired, or juggling too many paths. They’re looking for focus and a way to choose without regretting it later.

The origin story of “Stuck to Expansive”

Before I share what’s been happening in the 8-week program, because we just wrapped Phase 1 last week, let me share a little story first. About how this program is also, in a way, how I went from stuck to expansive myself.

I’ve been thinking about how to expand my coaching practice.

Not the “expand my number of clients” kind, but the “expand my coaching offering” kind.

I had some ideas, but they didn’t feel aligned with either how I wanted to be of service or with the kind of rhythm I wanted to have in my life.

Until earlier this year, when I needed to pivot the work that I was doing with some of the Senior PMs I was coaching, because of big moments that were happening in their lives: moving countries, getting laid off, and burning out.

But it wasn’t until they asked me “how did you do it?” (“it” being deciding to not go back to corporate tech after getting laid off and make a living out of my coaching business + become a startup co-founder instead) that a spark of an idea started to form in my head.

And from there, I started validating how important and how big the problem was. And how did I want to deliver the value in a way that was aligned with the kind of business I wanted to have and the kind of life I wanted that business to enable?

It wasn’t about how I can have more clients. It was about asking myself the right questions first to create more opportunities that I can experiment with and take it from there.

And since then:

1. I ran a 90-minute free workshop to validate parts of the framework + the problem<>user resonance

2. I ran a 7-day email journey to validate parts of the framework + how to deliver the value

Instead of spiraling through a million questions and pros and cons lists, trying to find the one answer that will help me feel “ready” to expand my coaching business, I decided to make intentional moves to gather insights instead that can help me find my answers.

These were the same steps I took to create and solidify my coaching business that made it easy for me to walk away from corporate tech and take more ownership of my career.

And in a way, my own expansion journey became the framework I’m now using for the Stuck to Expansive program.

On being stuck

If I have a € for every single time somebody tells me they feel stuck in their careers, I probably wouldn’t have to work a single day for the rest of my life. 😂

And more often than not, it’s the people who’ve done plenty and seen even more.

They’ve climbed through the ranks, worked across companies of all shapes and sizes, built impressive careers with real impact.

And now they’re asking themselves: “Now what? What else is there?”

They’re not feeling stuck because they don’t have the chops. They’re feeling stuck because the options they’re seeing don’t seem to make sense for them.

Most experienced people look for their potential next step backward. As in: they look for open roles out there in the common job boards and try to make their stories fit into whatever titles are being offered.

When we do it this way (yes, we, because I used to do it like this too):

1. The opportunities we see are limited. Limited by the platform, the algorithm, or the companies themselves who publish ghost listings.

2. The opportunities can feel uninspiring. Something's not a fit (the company, the scope, the product?). And the lack of energy impacts our applications.

So what does make sense?

That’s the million dollar question, isn’t it? And this level of uncertainty can feel intimidating.

Because if it’s not this job that they’ve been doing for so long, what else could they be doing? And could they even do it?

And even if the options were right in front of their noses, how to get it feels like an “all or nothing” move. And who can ever feel ready to do an “all or nothing” move these days, especially in this job market?!

If these are questions that you're also sitting with, this cohort for Stuck to Expansive is closed but you can book a call with me and we can discuss your predicament. 

🔗 Click here to book a call

The first steps to becoming expansive

In the first phase of the Stuck to Expansive program, instead of going through more job listings, we started from the inside out.

We created the conditions for clarity, so we could answer that million-dollar question:

What actually makes sense for you?

And not just sense from a rational point of view, but sense as in

So Phase 1 of Stuck to Expansive was about creating the space to surface this alignment.

So we looked at the following:

1. The kind of life they want to enable. Not just the roles they want to land or the side hustles they want to start.

2. The tools that they already have. Because at this point in their careers, they’re no longer starting from scratch. They already have the strengths they can lean on and the evidence of impact they can capitalize.

3. And the story they’ve lived — and the story they want to keep on living.

And then we went a layer deeper.

If we’re choosing new opportunities, we’re also choosing the version of ourselves that can lead and live those opportunities.

So we explored identity too.

• The parts that they wanted to bring forward.

• The patterns and beliefs that they need to leave behind.

• The kind of person they need to be to create this version of their career and this version of their life

Becoming expansive also means knowing that the role they needed to take was to be the writer of their own story.

That’s when powerful insights started to take shape.

The job has a job.

Every opportunity, whether it’s a steady role or a self-created path, has to serve a purpose.

Sometimes the job is the dream.
Sometimes the job funds the dream.
Sometimes it’s a stepping stone to figure out what the dream actually is.

What matters is knowing which one it is for them — right now.

From there, we asked: What are the opportunities that actually fit this story?

So by Session 3, we were prioritizing opportunities intentionally.

And by intentionally, I don’t mean prioritizing according to scope, title, company, or industry. We were prioritizing according to what was aligned with what was truly important for them.

1. The kind of work that gives them energy.

2. The kind of work that brings them to a career that can support their ideal scenario.

By the end of Session 3, here’s what people had to say:

“This makes so much sense now”
”This was so satisfying to do”
”I didn’t think of looking at it this way before”

The collective sigh was loud.

And I sighed too! Because I knew they got it! 😂

Session 3 marks the end of Phase 1. And at the end of it, the participants have aligned opportunities. Prioritized for their needs, their interests, and their version of success.

Some of those opportunities already exist, while some are waiting to be created.

And this is why prioritization is important: Prioritization creates focus. And focus creates movement. And that movement is where clarity gets created — not just found.

And that’s what Phase 2 is for. Movement.

🧠 Clarity Corner. If you're also seeking that kind of clarity to figure out the next step that makes sense for you, here's how you can start:

Imagine a future where everything worked out well for you. Where everything you ever wanted became real, and everything you ever needed was within reach. What does that future look like? Where are you? Who are you with? What are you spending your time on? How are you feeling?

And the version of you who made this all real? Who are they? What habits do they have? What do they believe? And what have they let go of?

Want to keep going? Click here to find out more about working with me.

What’s next

Phase 2 (Session 4-6) is where we move from alignment to movement. This is where we take their prioritized opportunities and start validating them.

Our goal?

1. To gather evidence to make sure that the opportunities are indeed aligned and are a fit for their purpose

2. To address their fears and concerns through intentional actions

3. To design the steps that will start to bring their ideas to life in a more sustainable way.

So that they stop waiting to be ready and instead, make themselves be ready.

This is also where we shift from “hoping somebody will notice” to strategic positioning.

So we’ll work on how the participants show up. We’ll define what they want to be known and we’ll make sure their strengths and aspirations are visible, to themselves and others, so the right doors are more likely to open.

Phase 2 is about momentum. Slow if needed, but sustainable and always forward. It's about building confidence through evidence. And always be learning so they can adjust whenever needed.

If the opportunities are real and aligned? We’ll create them. Or we’ll attract them. Either way, we don’t wait. We act.

But first we take a break this week and conrtinue with the rest of the work next week.

As one of the participants said:

We’re normalizing taking breaks, here!

Share

📌 Coaching Bulletin Board:

📌 I’m something for first-time Product, UX, and Tech leaders. If you’re struggling to empower your team, deliver the impact that matters to the business, influence people within your organization, and try to stay sane through it all, I’d love to support you. I’m looking for 10-15 people to pilot the Leadership Lab with me. You can read all about it and sign up for the waitlist here.

📌 But if you feel that a dedicated space is what you need, then 1:1 Coaching might be the space for you. For the new and emerging leaders in Product, UX, and Tech going through career dilemmas, I’d love to help you define your strategies to set yourself and your team up for success. Book a free call and let’s discuss how we can work together.

📌 Magical Audios is partnering up with creative companies who want a more engaged and productive team. We’d love to design a program with you to help your team tap into their most creative and expansive selves so that they never run out of ideas that win. If this exactly what you’re looking for, I’d love to talk with you! Let’s chat about how the Magical Audios team can work with you :)

As I’ve mentioned earlier, the Stuck to Expansive program is also a reflection of my own expansion. So doing this program and writing about it means so much to me.

So if you got to this part of this newsletter, thanks for staying with me until the end. And thank you for sharing with me topics that you’d like for me to share my thoughts, feelings, and violent reactions on.

❤️

Kax

Before burning out and getting kicked out of my corporate employment, I was the Head of Product for a 100+ people organization working on the domain of Trust.

And if there’s anything I learned in the years I was working on the topic it’s this:

Trust is a decision.

We can’t make people trust us. We can only give them evidence that they can.
But ultimately, the choice is theirs.

So even if you are the most credible, reliable, empathetic person in the world, and they’ve known you for years, if they still don’t want to trust you. They won’t.

And it can take a million reasons to earn somebody’s trust.
And only one to break it.

And the same works for building trust with ourselves.

Trying to earn our own trust

We tell ourselves:

• Once I have learned all the skills, I’ll feel confident.

• Once I’ve gotten the title or the role, I’ll believe I’m good enough.

• Once I’ve accomplished so many things, I’ll believe I can have an impact.

We treat self-trust as a reward. Something we earn after we’ve proven ourselves to… ourselves.

But the problem with this approach is that there’s so much dependency; the milestone we’re looking for is always just a probability. And even if the milestone does happen, the goal post always seems to be moving.

So even if we’ve given ourselves so much evidence to trust ourselves, our capabilities, our capacity, if we’re afraid to do so, then we don’t.

There will always be one more milestone to achieve first before we believe we can feel confident, good enough, or have an impact. Rinse and repeat.

Self-Trust is hard

But before we talk about flipping this pattern, it’s worth calling out why trusting ourselves can be so hard.

Because it requires more than just a mindset shift (and that’s already difficult on its own).

Self-trust is a muscle we have to train, even on the days when we’d rather choose what feels easy.

Why is it hard?

• Because the stakes feel high. We worry about what happens if we’re wrong.

• And if things go wrong, it feels like we can’t go back from it.

• Because doing the hard thing means letting go of certainty, and by default, we avoid uncertainty.

But this is precisely why it’s worth doing.

Because the more we practice, the more our capacity grows. And the more we can trust ourselves to figure things out, even when the path is unclear.

Self-trust is not binary

And just to be clear, self-trust isn’t a one-time decision.
It’s not a single, epic moment of courage.

Sometimes we have it, sometimes we don’t.
Sometimes it’s strong, sometimes it needs 3 mugs of coffee before noon.

It’s not a single choice to be made. It’s a consistent practice, one uncomfortable decision at a time.

When Self-Trust is having a good day:

I remember being so surprised with myself when I said no to an opportunity in my old job. Knowing that saying NO will have consequences. But the cost of saying YES felt bigger.

So I trusted what my intuition was saying. I trusted that I am capable of bouncing back regardless of the consequences. I trusted myself to make the right decision. So I did.

And you know the story. I got laid off.

But if I may so myself, everything turned out so much better than I could have imagined.

When Self-Trust is NOT having a good day:

It was in the day-to-day when the lack of trust showed up. And cost was high.

“How can I coach Product Leaders and functional experts in tech when I’m no longer working as one? Losing the title felt like I lost my credibility too.”

And this is where I caught myself falling into an old pattern, the one where I tried to earn my own trust through external validation.

A confession

Summer 2024, a few months after getting fired, I was already questioning whether or not I had the chops to be a coach for PMs and Product Leaders. (Never mind that I have been doing it for years at this point)

I was getting leads, having discovery calls, but nobody was clicking.

Every call felt like a performance, and my friends, I was tanking the reviews.

In hindsight, it was indeed a performance. I was so busy trying to compensate for the lack of title, trying to prove that I am qualified to help, that I forgot to do the real work. The more I tried to prove, the more I drove away potential clients.

It was exasperating. And I honestly wanted to give up. I considered just taking the rest of the year off and going back to my corporate tech life in the new year (half serious but not quite.)

But there was one more call on my calendar. One last chance to “impress”.

But since I was ready to raise the white flag, I just I told myself to fuck it.

I wasn’t going to let go of all expectations, so there was zero pressure to close. And if I didn’t have the pressure to close, then I didn’t need to prove anything.

So I stopped looking at it as a “sales call”. And just focused on wanting to help.

And that I know I can do.

By the time the call ended, I had a new client.

And also a reminder:

Self-trust isn’t the result of success. It’s the foundation for it.

It’s not something we earn after we’ve proven ourselves. It’s what makes the proof possible in the first place.

A pattern I see all the time in the real world

And it’s not just me. I see it all the time with my clients when we first start working together:

The Over-Preparer: The aspiring Product Leader who kept taking courses, hoping a new certification would make her feel credible enough to apply for senior roles.

There was always something she needed to know how to do first before she could feel ready. But every new course just moved the goalpost. Because the context for leadership is always different everywhere, everyday.

The Hesitant Leader: The senior leader who kept doubting her capacity to lead because her style didn’t look like everyone else’s. She didn’t speak the loudest in meetings or had a million ideas per second. She thought that meant she was less capable.

So she held back, hesitated to share her thoughts, and resisted making the changes she knew would bring the results her team needed. It wasn’t that she lacked ideas. It was that she lacked the self-trust to act on them.

🧠 Reflection pause:

Was there an opportunity that you wished you trusted yourself more and took a chance on? 

When Self-Trust comes first

But when they finally flip the script and realize that the decision to trust was theirs to make, true empowerment comes in.

Choosing stability on their own terms: One client took a stable, “less sexy” role, not because it was her dream job, but because it gave her the bandwidth to figure out what she truly wanted next. She didn’t worry about how it might look on her CV or what it might signal to future employers.

Instead, she trusted herself to use the role as a platform for clarity and momentum. She’s now creating opportunities for herself in ways she hadn’t even considered were possible for her.

Saying yes before feeling 100% ready: Another client got tapped to try out for a Product Lead role just two months into a new company. She said yes. Not because she felt fully ready, it was the opposite. She didn’t feel ready at all. But she trusted her ability to learn fast, adapt as needed, and gain the tools that she would need along the way.

So she chose to bet on herself despite the doubt that was gnawing at the edges of her brain. As of writing, the process is still ongoing. But she’s already secured senior leadership backing.

Both of these clients made moves without guarantees, without waiting for someone else to clear the path. They chose to trust themselves first, and the results have been more expansive than just a title change.

They’re building careers that feel more aligned, more authentic, and more theirs.

🧠 Reflection pause:

When was the last time you trusted yourself to make a hard decision, even when you didn't truly feel ready, or have everything figured out?

How did that feel?

Share

Build trust, don’t earn it

Trusting ourselves” is easier said than done, especially when there are days when it feels like the world is just handing us evidence that we shouldn’t. I get it. I promise.

It’s because self-trust is a muscle we build every time we choose to back ourselves, even when the definition of “hard” keeps changing.

It’s the small, everyday choices that stack up over time to create real, lasting impact:

• Declining meeting invites because we trust our priorities, even when the meeting feels “important” and FOMO creeps in. (FOMO over a meeting exists, I swear)

• Pushing back on a bad idea, even when it comes from someone with more seniority, and not taking it personally if our voice is overridden.

• Being the person who asks the difficult question in a company all-hands, even when our voice shakes.

• Taking a break, even when our to-do list is still long.

• Asking for a raise or a promotion, even if we feel like the timing isn’t perfect.

And these choices are a reminder that we have more autonomy than we thought we did and a declaration that we believe in ourselves and our ability to figure things out, even if the outcomes aren’t guaranteed.

And this matters because when we trust ourselves:

1. We make decisions more clearly and quickly.

2. We take bigger swings. We stop waiting for perfect timing and just move.

3. We bounce back faster from setbacks, responding to the situation rather than wasting time spiraling.

Sometimes, trusting ourselves means knowing when to ask for help. When to invest in our own growth, even if it feels like an indulgence. When to lean on others without letting it undermine our belief in ourselves.

💡 If you’re ready to stop waiting for the perfect conditions and start building the career (and life) you actually want, I’d love to support you. 

Let’s chat about how you can strengthen your self-trust muscles and move with more clarity, confidence, and conviction.

🔗 Click here to book a call

TL;DR: Self-Trust as a Career Strategy

We often treat self-trust like a reward. Something we have to earn through milestones, approvals, so we can prove our worth.

But in reality, self-trust isn’t earned, it’s built on the decisions that we make over and over, even on the days when the ideal results feel impossible to achieve, and the self-doubt is loud.

It’s the foundation for the big, bold moves we want to make, built on the muscles we’ve strengthened through the daily, seemingly small choices we make to back ourselves.

The quiet “no” to a meeting that doesn’t serve our priorities.
The pushback on a bad idea, even if it comes from someone more senior.
The courage to speak up in big spaces even when we’re feeling small.
And sometimes, it’s knowing when to ask for help

When we choose to trust ourselves first, we stop waiting for the perfect conditions and start creating them for ourselves.

🧠 Reflection pause: 

If you trusted yourself 5% more today, what would you be doing more of? And what would you finally let go of?

📌 Coaching Bulletin Board:

📌 From Stuck to Expansive: The Full Journey is an 8-week program for people who want to be career-ready before the next shift hits. Whether you’re feeling the itch to move, wondering what’s next, or simply tired of waiting for the system to reward you, this is your space to build your career stack with clarity and confidence.

We start on May 21. Enrollment closes on May 19.

📌 1:1 Coaching for the new Product, UX, and Tech Leaders going through career dilemmas. If this is you, I’d love to help you define your strategies to set yourself and your team up for success. Book a free call and let’s discuss how we can work together.

If you’ve always wanted to work with a coach, but budget is a constraint, we can talk about how you can work with me for free through Inciteful :)

📌 Magical Audios is partnering up with companies to provide stronger and more effective support to their leadership teams so they can lead with presence, confidence, and resilience. If you would like to know how this can work for your organization, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

If you got to this part of this newsletter, thanks for staying with me until the end. And thank you for sharing with me topics that you’d like for me to share my thoughts, feelings, and violent reactions on.

❤️

Kax

So by the time you’re reading this, you might have heard already about the Great Big Blackout that hit Spain and Portugal on April 28, 2025. We still don’t know what caused it (as of writing), but the internet sure is full of conspiracy theories.

But I’m not here to write about the conspiracies, I’m here to write about being a prepper. As in doomsday prepper. 😂

I’ve always been a prepper. Having grown up in Manila when we had regular power outages in the 90s, and typhoons that killed both power and water supply while also blocking off roads for days (weeks for some) — it’s hard not to be.

I grew up knowing that we always had to have, at least, the following at hand:

1. Source of light: battery-operated lamps, flashlights, candles, batteries, lighters

2. Source of food and water: including food that can be eaten without cooking (bonus: ice packs to keep the food in the freezer frozen longer)

3. Fully charged power banks and devices + a battery-operated radio

4. First aid kit and extras of basic OTC medicine

5. And emergency cash

Since I’ve moved to Europe, some things have been modified like: swapping my car preps (I don’t have a car here) with sturdy shoes and socks in case there’s a need to evacuate. If you need a list, let me know and I’ll send you mine. 😂

I grew up with disasters, so I was always prepared for disasters.

During the early days of the Covid lockdown, I made sure we had a full fridge and pantry that could last us weeks without needing to go to the store.

When there was a water supply issue in Catalunya in 2023, I made sure we always had palettes of water, empty containers we could fill up, and water-purifying tools.

My friends thought I was being paranoid. Maybe I was. But I’m ok with that. When you've gone through the disasters that I have as a kid, it’s better to be paranoid than caught unprepared.

But I never prepped for doomsday. I prepped for Tuesday, as the more hardcore preppers would say. As in, I prep for the most likely to happen scenarios vs prepping for the apocalypse that’s likely to wipe out the entire human population in one go.

Some examples of Tuesday scenarios:

1. Service interruptions

2. Sudden layoffs

3. A natural disaster

So I prep for when electricity and water are out, and we’d have to bug in.
And I also prep for having to immediately rush out of the house in case of fire or earthquake.

What does this have to do with the blackout?

Well, on Tuesday, while some of my friends were out of water, or had no cash to buy supplies from the very few open stores, or had no means to get information from anybody…

I was having a candlelit dinner of “lomo bajo” and kimchi fried rice with my boyfriend while we listened to a woo-woo audiobook for fun.

We were comfortable, and could invite our friends over to cook their food (or have some of ours if needed), refill their water/ take a shower. At least I could tell them when our mobile coverage was not failing (which is a prep improvement for later).

But before you go rushing to the nearest supermarket or fill up your Amazon carts with power stations and emergency kits (don’t, they’re useless) — I just want to tell you that the preps we have at home were not made in one day. That would get ridiculously expensive very fast and also hard to plan out (which is what usually turns most people off from prepping, apart from not wanting to be seen as a paranoid, off-the-grid, wild person).

My preps were made over time. Slowly. Sustainably.

• Buying extra tins of tuna, canned veggies, or a bottle of honey when doing the groceries

• Subscribing to battery orders so I’ll always have a fresh supply every 10 months

• Watching out for sales in camping stores so I can buy water containers and portable lighting equipment

My point?

Most people think prepping is about stockpiling out of fear. Hoarding things “just in case”. But at its core, prepping is about readiness. Not for catastrophe but for disruption.

And before you think you just signed up for a prepping newsletter (that’s an idea though!)…

What does this have to do with careers?

Right! Plenty!

Because career disruption is a Tuesday scenario that can’t be solved by just purchasing extra cans of tuna the next time you do your groceries.

And because most people don’t prepare for Tuesday, they only realize how unprepared they are when something breaks: a sudden layoff, a messy reorg, a promotion that doesn’t come, a job that slowly stops fitting.

And I’ve seen it up close with my clients, ex-colleagues, and friends.

Here are ways being unprepared can look like in the wild:

• Believing the career myth that having a full-time job is real security, until the layoff hits, and they realize their LinkedIn is empty, their CV is five years old, and their network doesn’t reach beyond their team.

  

• They believed that if they just kept working hard, volunteered for more initiatives, and kept their head down, the reward would come… until they get their third “not yet” in a row. And they want to get out because it's been truly frustrating, but after being told so many times that they're not ready, they’ve started to believe it.

• They want to get out of their 9-5 grind and build something of their own. A startup, a business, a hustle. But they don’t know where to start. And the risk feels too big for them to truly bet on it (or themselves). After all, there are bills to pay.

• They’re craving a full career pivot. They want a role that’s different from what they used to do. But they have zero credibility in the new field, unable to connect the dots between what they used to do and where they want to be, each rejection chips away at what’s left of their confidence. And motivation can only last so long.

And it’s not that they don’t have the talent or potential. The people I know who are in these situations are some of the most brilliant people I’ve ever met, and I wish I had half of the talent that they have 😂

So this is absolutely not a talent problem. It’s not a potential problem either.

It’s a system problem. Or more accurately, the absence of a system.

And by the time people realize they need one, it’s like showing up to the supermarket to grab toilet paper… but the shelves are already empty.

So what does being a career prepper actually look like?

So what does being a career prepper actually look like? It’s not about perfecting your CV in 47 formats or doomscrolling Linkedin, saving posts from the 5 million thoughtfluencers who’re preaching that if you’re not learning AI, you’re going to get left behind.

Career prepping is about building your career stack:

• Being able to name what you're actually great at and how that’s created success (for you and the people or orgs you’ve worked with).

• Being clear on what you want to be known for and being intentional about what you want other people to say about you when you're not in the room.

• Building relationships beyond your job title and current organization with people you can learn from, collaborate with, support, and be supported by.

• Knowing how to show up with a strong voice, a clear story, and a presence that says “I know I’m awesome. Have you met me?”

• And perhaps most importantly: having a self-worth that doesn’t rise and fall with the market. A value you carry even when the org chart doesn’t know where to place you.

That’s what I mean when I say career stack.

It’s not just a 10-year plan. Or immediately posting every day on LinkedIn, thinking that’s how you build a personal brand.

It’s having a full ecosystem that you can build over time, piece by piece. In a way that’s sustainable, real, and rooted in who you are (not just who you think the market wants you to be).

And because you build it slowly, you get to experiment. To have your preps ready and your pantry full before the storm hits. To make moves that feel aligned, not reactive.

Practical examples, let’s go!

1. For someone still employed but watching layoff waves roll by? It might look like updating that CV and their LinkedIn profile now — not because they’re panicking, but so they’re never scrambling. Or warming up connections and making new ones (because we all know that the application that matters these days is a referral). Quiet prep that turns into confidence when it counts.

2. For someone stuck in “not yet” promotion purgatory? It’s not about asking for more responsibilities. It’s tracking the impact that they already make. Creating a brag document, even if no one asks, and turning it into a bullet-proof case come the next promotion cycle.

3. For someone dreaming of leaving the corporate grind? It’s not quitting and building a business from scratch overnight. It’s talking to people. Running low-stakes, high-insight experiments or research. To test ideas. Validating that the problems they want to solve are real, and that their way of solving is something people would want to pay for.

4. For someone craving a pivot? It might look like mapping the common thread across their career. Reaching out to five people in the new field, not to ask for a job, but to learn, connect, and be seen before they even send a single application.

Small shifts that compound to create big impact.

One of my 1:1 coaching clients did exactly just that. When we started working together, she introduced herself as “I’m just a Product Owner.” She didn't think she had the chops or legitimacy to go after something big. She was applying for roles, but none of them were landing.

She saw herself as small, so other people saw her as small too.

We didn’t jump into CV mode. We built her career stack instead.

1. We got clear on her edge: the things she was brilliant at, and how her presence made teams stronger and companies better.

2. We defined what she wanted to be known for and helped her show up as that version of herself, consistently.

3. We mapped possibilities: spaces, people, problems, where aligned opportunities could come from

4. She started building real connections: joining communities, learning from peers, and being seen by the people already doing what she wanted to do.

5. And we worked on her voice. Her stories. Her self-worth. So she can align with the things that matter to her and not make herself smaller to fit the container that her fears want to box her in.

She finally stopped waiting to feel legitimate, and she started showing up fully knowing she already was.

The results soon came after.

Two months ago, she was tapped to lead a project with the exact ownership, scope, and visibility she used to think required someone more… “legit.”

Now she’s up for promotion. But the best part was what she said after:

“If the promotion happens, amazing. But if not, because of politics or budget or whatever — I’ll be okay. I know I can move somewhere better for me.”

That’s what building your stack does. And that’s what career prepping looks like.

It’s not scrambling for a plan B. It’s building a foundation so solid, you always have a plan A, B, and C… and the power to choose which one feels right.

⛑️ If you're in the middle of your career crisis (or you're on the edge of one), and need help prepping for your ideal scenario. Click here to book a discovery call with me and let's chat about the support you need and how we can collaborate together. 🤙

p.s. Or you can join my 8-week group coaching program, From Stuck to Expansive: The Full Journey. It's an 8 week group experience to help the often high-performing professionals in tech who are feeling stuck and unsure about where to take their careers next.

TL;DR Career Prepping in a nutshell

Being a prepper was never about stockpiling canned goods for the end of the world. It was about being ready for the disruptions that are likely to happen on a regular Tuesday (sometimes Monday).

And career prepping works the same way.

Most people wait until they need to make a move before they even start thinking about their next step. But by then, the layoff has already hit, the role has stopped fitting, or the opportunity has passed them by.

Career prep isn’t just dusting off your CV or downloading a free resume template from some influencer’s newsletter. It’s building your career stack over time. Quietly, sustainably, and with intention.

• It looks like knowing what you’re great at and how you’ve made a difference.

• It looks like knowing how to make your name carry weight so you can show up in spaces with presence, not because of your title, but because of your impact.

• It looks like having a story you can tell without cringing, a network that extends beyond your team

• It looks like having self-worth that doesn’t fall apart when the org chart does.

And when all of that is in place? You stop chasing stability in systems that were never built for you. You stop waiting to be picked, validated, or promoted to feel like you matter.

You start building on your own terms. With more clarity and conviction.

While it creating a career stack as a prep is a smart strategy — for me, it’s also a quiet rebellion.

Because the real goal isn’t just to survive your career. It’s to build a life that doesn’t revolve around it.

Let the companies keep their tables. I’d rather that the rest of us are building entire homes, so we can invite more people in to have tea. 😎

📌 Coaching Bulletin Board:

📌 From Stuck to Expansive: The Full Journey is an 8-week program for people who want to be career-ready before the next shift hits. Whether you’re feeling the itch to move, wondering what’s next, or simply tired of waiting for the system to reward you, this is your space to build your career stack with clarity and confidence.

There are only 20 spots — because this isn’t just another course meant to teach you how to be more productive. It’s a small, high-touch group designed for support, accountability, and expansive conversations with people who get it.

We start May 21. Early Bird pricing (€599) is available until May 5.

📌 1:1 Coaching for the new Product, UX, and Tech Leaders going through career dilemmas. If this is you, I’d love to help you define your strategies to set yourself and your team up for success. Book a free call and let’s discuss how we can work together.

📌 Magical Audios is partnering up with companies to provide stronger and more effective support to their leadership teams so they can lead with presence, confidence, and resilience. If you would like to know how this can work for your organization, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

If you got to this part of this newsletter, thanks for staying with me until the end. And thank you for sharing with me topics that you’d like for me to share my thoughts, feelings, and violent reactions on.

❤️

Kax

The biggest career myth ever told? That having a full-time job is the safest, most secure path. That we just need to keep our head down, work hard, follow a straight line, and we’ll be rewarded with shiny titles, fat paychecks, and a golden reputation in record time.

I believed it. Until I didn’t.

I got laid off in January 2015 from a startup after an M&A (now that I’m typing this down, what happened in 2024 feels like a deja vu lol). Everybody in the company was sacked. I have no beef, though. They gave us a generous severance package and off-boarding support.

I still didn’t lose faith in the myth.

I even thought of it as just the universe creating space for something bigger/better. Still think it’s true!

Because after that, I got a job as a Product Manager in a multinational tech company and moved to Barcelona after that. I was living!

But that job came with caveats. They sponsored my visa. I didn’t think much about it because hey that’s a huge deal for me and my Philippine passport.

Until that visa became a dependency.

3 years later, I found out that I was the lowest-paid and lowest-level Product Manager in our group. This, despite leading a product that supposedly unlocked opportunities for the business and reshaped how our group operated. Despite hearing glowing feedback and being told that my work was “a game changer.”

Despite having all the receipts to prove that I had an impact. I was not rewarded nor recognized.

At first, I tried the usual route: as in I asked for a recalibration and pushed for a raise. But between multiple manager changes and bureaucratic messes, the answer was always: not yet.

And I couldn’t easily leave for another job either. Visa sponsorship is a big ask, and most companies weren’t easily convinced that I was worth the investment of both time, money, and dealing with the stress of the paperwork.

That’s when it hit me. The thing I thought would keep me secure, my job, was the very thing that was keeping me stuck.

My employer didn’t just control my employment. They also decided whether I could stay in a country I now called home.

And all I could do was hope that someone else would pick me. Promote me. Rescue me.

I kept waiting. Still thinking that working hard and being the ‘ideal employee’ would be enough. Because I didn’t really feel like I had any other real options. Not unless someone else said yes.

I knew I wasn’t bad at my job. My recalibration case proved that. And my revolving door of managers who wanted to support me but couldn’t prove it too.

But there was still the nagging feeling at the back of my head that “clearly, I wasn’t good enough” if I was having a hard time finding anybody to bet on me again while out of the promotion cycle, or to invest in me again despite the bureaucratic nightmare for a visa sponsorship.

That was the wake-up call. I didn’t like having this much dependency on anybody.

It was bad enough that I was dependent on somebody else to stay in Barcelona. But I was also dependent on somebody else to say that I was awesome for me to fight harder for what I deserved.

I did not fly halfway across the world just to feel helpless.

There is no reward in “just” working hard

And that wake-up call was the start of my villain era (aka my “strategic about my career” era). 😂

So I took a deep breath, stopped feeling sorry for myself, and took a long hard look at myself in the mirror — asking these questions:

1. What do I really want? Was it really about the title? Yes. But I also want to be autonomous. Have less dependency and not need to wait to be chosen. And I also want to enjoy my professional life.

2. Who do I need to become to get it? Do I need to be a Senior PM? Or do I need to be the kind of person who behaves like one already? Who knew their shit and wasn’t afraid to tell the world about it? But also wasn’t afraid to admit what they didn’t know (to themselves) and take it from there.

I stopped performing for a title and started performing for myself.

What does this mean, actually?

• I started showing up differently at work. I gave myself permission to show up in spaces where I thought, in the beginning, that I didn’t belong. I spoke about the topics that I thought, at first, I had no say in. And I said no to the things that kept me busy but also kept me from having a real impact.

• I didn’t stop there. I showed up differently outside of work, too. As in, I started showing up. I started experimenting with what else I can do with the things I know how to do, and how I can have more fun with them. So I started teaching and mentoring, did my first public speaking stints, and even started a community for professional women.

And that’s when things changed.

Suffice to say I got what I wanted after that.

I ended up staying in the company. I got the promotion — a 2-level jump and the appropriate salary too. And I never had to send a single CV since then to be considered for an open role.

But in reality, I got so much more. I got self-trust. And the realization that I can give myself options by making myself visible. Not to build a brand. But to build proof so I can stop waiting to be picked, and start positioning myself to choose.

I didn’t know it then, but what I was doing was building my career stack.

Not a list of skills on a CV. But the deeper assets that can travel with me across seasons, titles, and industries.

The Career Strategy to rule them all

These days, when companies are laying off left and right or every CEO thinks that AI can do the job of 10 people, being able to give ourselves options is even more important.

I have a friend who’s been in her company forever, got let go without a warning. And this has impact, both emotionally and financially. And to think that she wanted to leave before; but stayed because according to her the company has been good to her and didn’t want to let people down.

Another friend is still traumatized from a previous lay-off so she’s started to play safe in her current one to not be in the firing line. And this has impact too. On how she engages with her new role and in her confidence.

We’ve all been taught the same myth. Get a full-time job. Work hard. Keep your head down. And you’ll always be safe and rewarded. Security.

But this myth has been debunked over and over again, moreso in the last 2-3 years.

The real safety? It’s in ourselves. From knowing that whatever happens, we’ll be able to bounce back because we’ve created options for ourselves. Because we’ve created career optionality.

Career optionality isn’t just a cool word that a bunch of influencers have been throwing out these days.

It’s a career strategy. It’s the ability to move between roles, industries, and domains because of the experiences and impact we’ve accumulated (and have receipts for them too) over the years. It’s being able to respond to the waves of hype that disrupt the industry with calm and perspective.

It’s a way of leading our careers that doesn’t rely on being chosen but on knowing what we carry.

And these days, it’s a critical career strategy.

And no, it’s not about being a solopreneur or building a side hustle. It’s about being able to do so if we want to.

It’s about building a career stack that can hold us, stretch with us, and reflect who we truly are.

Everybody’s career stack is different, but often it includes:

1. The things we’re great at and the ripples we create

2. The way we show up to truly represent our value

3. The ability to track possibilities and turn them into opportunities

4. The connections and relationships we’ve built and nurtured

5. The way that we take care of ourselves and protect our boundaries

And each part of the stack works like a lever. When one is strong, like our relationships, the self-talk, or our proof impact, it builds momentum.

But when several are strong? That’s when things start to compound. That’s when you stop asking for permission and stop waiting to be chosen… and you start feeling your oats. (side note: honestly, if you haven’t yet — please watch Ru Paul’s Drag Race for the best life school there is)

And the thing is that we never actually need to build from scratch. Most of us already have the pieces that build up to a stack. What’s often missing is the ability to see them, the courage to name them, and the audacity to use them.

But the rules of the job market have changed. And they keep changing.

And while building a career stack to create career optionality as a strategy is not a new thing… if it’s new to you, I encourage you to start exploring it.

Because the job title? It won’t protect most of us..

That full-time job? It can’t guarantee anything to us (no matter how many times slides about how “we’re a family” are shown at every All Hands).

But the career stack we can build? It can do all of that… and maybe even more.

It’s time to get off my soapbox now. But if any of this made your stomach clench or your shoulders ride up to your ears… that’s your signal.

You don’t have to wait for the rug to be pulled out from under you. You don’t need to wait for the right time either (because when is that, really?). You can start building your stack now.

Start with what’s already true:

• What do you have that you’ve been hiding behind “it’s not good enough”

• How have you made the people/company you’ve worked with successful or better?

• Who knows what you’re great at?

• Also… do you? And if not, maybe it’s time to find out.

You don’t need a 5 year plan. Just a little more self-trust.

This is the work I do now with my clients inside the Career Expansion Playbook… and honestly even with myself (yes, still). Bit by bit. Layer by layer.

I’ll share more about the playbook soon. But for now:

If this is something you want to explore more deeply, I’d love to invite you to:

1. Get on the waitlist for my free workshop, From Stuck to Expansive on April 24. It’s full but just in case somebody cancels, you’ll be the first to know.

2. Or if you would like to explore 1:1 support, book a discovery call with me and let’s discuss what that can look like for you.

Thanks for reading!

💙

Kax
(i’m also on LinkedIn and on Instagram)

📌 Coaching Bulletin Board:

📌 1:1 Coaching for the new Product, UX, and Tech Leaders going through your dilemmas. I’d love to help you define your strategies to set yourself and your team up for success. Book a free call and let’s discuss how we can work together.

📌 Magical Audios is partnering up with companies to provide stronger and more effective support to their leadership teams so they can lead with presence, confidence, and resilience. If you would like to know how this can work for your organization, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

This isn’t my usual newsletter drop, but it's a special edition for the quietly restless (maybe that's you).

Because this 👇 keeps coming up in client calls and drinks with friends lately, and I think it’s worth pausing for:

It’s not that everything’s falling apart. It’s that the old version of “success” doesn’t feel quite right anymore. And the question bubbling up behind the scenes is:

“So… now what?”

They’re high-achieving, thoughtful humans in tech. People who’ve done all the “right” things, only to find themselves stuck, uninspired, or unsure of what’s next.

Some of them are sitting in personal development talks with their manager, dreading the question: “So… what’s your next goal?” Because they don’t have an answer.

Others keep saying yes to the big, complex projects hoping it’ll rekindle inspiration — but all it does is inch them closer to burnout.

And a few have asked me directly:

“How did you do it?! Go from Head of Product to Coach & Founder so fast after getting laid off?”

Was it fast? Not at all. I didn’t really have a get-out-of-corporate master strategy.

But yes, technically — I had a "plan". If you count side projects with no guaranteed outcomes and a healthy dose of "it'll probably be fine" energy a plan.

By the time I got laid off, I’d already shaken hands with my Magical Audios co-founders, and I had a coaching business that could pay the bills.

But these plans didn’t appear overnight. They were breadcrumbs I’d been dropping since 2019:

• Mentoring someone who reminded me of younger me.

• Teaching a workshop I wasn’t sure I was qualified to lead.

• Sharing violent reactions about the industry in my newsletter.

None of those breadcrumbs looked like “a pivot” when I first said yes to them.

In the beginning, they were just things I wanted to try because they looked fun, exciting, and a little bit terrifying (in a good way).

But those tiny yeses? They gave me energy, confidence, and eventually, the freedom to choose. Now here we are.

That’s what this workshop is about:

🗓 From Stuck to Expansive: Free 90-minute workshop
🗓️ April 24 | 19h CET
📍Zoom
🎟 Save your seat → Click here to register

Click here to join the workshop

This isn’t about building a business (unless that’s a door you want to open later).
It’s not about polishing your resume or building a personal brand empire.
And I won’t ask you to define your entire identity in three sticky-notes.

But it is about:

• Naming the quiet hunches you’ve been ignoring.

• Making space for the stuff that actually gives you energy.

• Designing one tiny, honest next step—whether it’s tweaking your current role, testing a wild idea, or just feeling a little more like yourself again.

You might realize you’ve been optimizing for the wrong outcomes.
Maybe your job isn’t broken.
Maybe you’ve just outgrown the container you put yourself in.

Because you weren’t meant to sacrifice your sanity to build another CEO’s dream life.

You don’t need a master plan. But you do deserve to feel like your work fits you — not the other way around.

Come join us. We’ll name what no longer fits and explore what might.
Maybe this workshop is your breadcrumb. Just one honest next step... together.

See you there? 🔮
Kax + The Universe

p.s. If this feels personal, and you're looking for more high-touch support, I’ve got 1 more 1:1 coaching spot left. Book a call with me.

1. They struggle to make the shift from being the executor to enabler

2. They struggle to navigate people and politics

3. They struggle with the mental load of being a leader - this issue ✍️
   
   

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It’s not as sexy as we think it is

A lot of Senior PMs want to move up to a leadership role.

• Maybe because it feels like the natural step — the only one.

• Maybe because it looks like the place where real influence happens.

• Maybe because the role just looks like success. Sexy title. Endless opportunities.

But when we finally get there? It’s a lot messier than we expected.

Not because we’re doing anything wrong; but because what the job actually requires is nothing like what we were doing before.

Not because we’re just bad at leadership, but because leadership asks us to show up in ways we were never trained for. (but also real talk, nobody’s good at this from the beginning, though!)

In Part 1 we talked about shedding the identity of the executor and stepping into the role of an enabler. Someone who empowers their team to deliver value, instead of trying to do it all themselves.

Then in Part 2, we explored politics. Not the shady stuff, but the real work of building influence, alignment, and trust in a system that doesn’t always make that easy.

And now, we arrive at Part 3: What happens when we’re doing all the “right” things and it still feels like we’re drowning?

This is about the mental and emotional overload of leadership.

Because if you’ve ever thought:

• “I don’t know what I’m doing and I can’t ask anyone.”

• “Everyone needs something from me, and I haven’t peed in six hours.”

• “I’m trying so hard, but people still aren’t happy.”

You’re not broken. You’re carrying the load most people don’t talk about.

And you might be doing it without training, support, or space to breathe.

Let’s talk about what that weight really is and how to finally set some of it down.

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Why this feels so hard

Let’s be honest: most new Product Leaders don’t get real training on how to lead.

Especially if we’re promoted from within. One day, we’re the safe space for venting about leadership. The next, we are leadership.

And that shift? It’s jarring. For us, and for the people around us.

We’re no longer “one of them,” but we’re not fully trusted as “the leader” either. Not yet.

So we tiptoe. We overexplain. We second-guess. We don’t want to overstep. But we also don’t want to let anyone down.

That in-between space? That’s where mental and emotional overload lives.

So we carry:

• The pressure to have the answers, even when we’re still figuring it out

• The responsibility to hold space for everyone else’s emotions, even when we’re unsure of our own

• The unspoken expectation to speak the right language with leadership, while shielding our team from chaos below

And we often feel like we have to do it all alone.

Our new peers don’t quite feel like peers yet.
Our old peers now look to us for direction.
We’re managing up, trying to prove we deserve the role.

So we start second-guessing everything. And we hear vague feedback like:

• “Be more strategic.”

• “Drive alignment.”

• “Coach your team better.”

Cool. But what does that actually mean?
Do we need to be louder? Bring more frameworks? Pretend to have it all figured out?

Sometimes the pressure gets so loud we start to believe:

“Maybe I’m just not cut out for this.” or  
“Maybe I should have just stayed an IC.”

One of my coaching clients, a new Product Director told me she’d leave every leadership meeting feeling like she didn’t belong.

She thought her peers were faster. More articulate. Infinite well of ideas. And she can’t keep up, or so she thought.

But she wasn’t “behind.” She was just wired differently. And in leadership, different can be a strength. But only if we stop treating it like a flaw.

Honestly, even seasoned leaders still wrestle with this. They’re just better at hiding it. Or they’ve built more tools to catch the spiral before it takes over. 😅

When we don’t pause to question these beliefs, we internalize them.

They shape what we say yes to. What we carry. And then we twist ourselves into knots trying to meet expectations that were never actually spelled out.

I’ve been there.

And then we’re like… why does this still suck? Even when nothing’s on fire?

Leadership isn’t just a role shift. It’s a reality shift. ✋🎤

⛑️ If you're a new product leader going through your dilemmas, I'd love to support you. Click here to book a discovery call with me and let's chat about the support you need and how we can collaborate together. 🤙

Strategies for Change

So how do we stay centered and fulfilled in the face of all this?

Here are four strategies I’ve leaned on (and helped others lean into) that make the emotional load of leadership feel a little less heavy, and a lot more doable.

disclaimer: Not every environment makes this kind of leadership feel possible especially when the culture values output over people, or speed over care. But if we’re going to stay in these roles and make a real difference, we have to find ways to lead that still feel true to us.

1️⃣ Define your values and align your leadership to them

When we’re navigating expectations from all sides, our values become our anchor.

• If transparency is one of our values, maybe that looks like looping our team in even when we don’t have all the answers… and trusting them with the nuance.

• If collaboration is a value, maybe it means making space for input, even when a top-down decision would be faster.

• If fun is a value (yes, it counts), maybe we add some humor into our meetings, even during crunch time; because our teams perform best when morale is high.

Our values become our internal compass when everything else feels uncertain.

They help us make better calls, faster. And they give us a sense of what “good” actually means — not some LinkedIn version of leadership, but the one that makes sense to us.

And here’s the part we forget: We are not just our titles.

Even if it feels like our self-worth is riding on every decision we make.

The more we detach our identity from the title, the easier it is to lead with integrity not fear.

Because when our sense of self is rooted in our values, not our job, we make decisions that reflect what actually matters. Not just what quiets the noise or wins approval.

Even when the work is messy, we stay steady; because we’re anchored in something we chose.

2️⃣ Define your leadership presence

This isn’t about looking polished or performing leadership. It’s about the energy we bring into the room.

People aren’t just responding to our strategy or ideas. They’re responding to us and how we make them feel.

And that response is shaped by how we carry ourselves, how we communicate, how we hold space in a room (or a Zoom), and how we manage pressure.

Because presence isn’t just tone or posture or eye contact. It’s steadiness and how it builds trust. It’s being someone people want to follow.

Not because we’re the loudest, but because we help people feel seen, safe, and supported.

It’s also about restraint. When everything feels urgent and emotionally loaded, our job isn’t to react. Our job is to respond. And sometimes, not at all.

That means learning when to speak, when to pause, and when to let go.

Because if we respond to every fire with fire, we’re going to burn ourselves out soon enough.

3️⃣ Give yourself the support you need

We’re not supposed to have it all figured out.

And yet, so many of us feel like asking for help means we’re failing. That we should already know how to hold hard conversations, coach effectively, align with leadership, manage team dynamics, and juggle all the processes around budgets, performance, and promotions too. Wow. The pressure!

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.

And no one taught us how to lead, then we get to build our own curriculum.

We can work with a coach. Find a community. Ask our manager what support exists.

And if nothing is offered, we start with our peers. Some of the most useful insights come from honest conversations with other leaders figuring it out, too.

Just because no one gave us onboarding document doesn’t mean we have to figure it out alone. Doesn’t matter where the support comes from, but sometimes we need people who can hold space for us. People we can be honest with, vent to, and get perspective from.

No shame confession: I used to have group calls with my peers who are also first time product leaders blocked out in my calendar just to vent, ask for advice, or gain perspective. It was like group therapy. And the relief after every call was real. 

Asking for help isn’t a weakness thing. It’s an “I actually give a damn about doing this well” thing

The strongest leaders aren’t the ones who go it alone. They’re the ones who know when to ask for help and aren’t afraid to do it.

4️⃣ Lead with a vision for your product, your team, and yourself

Without a clear direction, it’s easy to get swept up in every escalation, preference, or request that comes our way.

We don’t need a five-year plan. But we do need a sense of what “good” looks like. A north star. Not just for our product strategy but for our team culture and leadership, too.

Some guide questions:
What kind of team are we building?
What kind of environment are we nurturing?
How do we want people to feel when they work with us?
What kind of leader are we working toward becoming?

When we know the answers to those, it becomes much easier to decide what to prioritize, what to let go of, and what to simply not respond to without spiraling into self-doubt.

Not everything’s ours to fix. And not everything going sideways means we’ve failed as a human.

But our vision? That’s ours to hold. And that’s where we lead from.

TL;DR: Leadership is being human.

No one tells us that stepping into a Product Leadership role means walking straight into a storm of expectations… many of them unspoken, conflicting, and some that can feel impossible to meet.

We’re not just managing roadmaps. We’re managing people’s emotions, team dynamics, career growth, stakeholder tension, and our own self-doubt. Often without much support.

That’s a lot. And yet… it’s the job

It’s no wonder we start to question ourselves.

But maybe we’re not doing it wrong. Maybe we just need to lead from a different place.

And here are four ways we can start anchoring ourselves:

• Define our values. Make decisions we’re proud of and lead in a way that reflects who we are — not just how stressed we are

• Own our leadership presence. We don’t need to be the loudest voice. But we do need to be a steady one. Leadership becomes more sustainable when we’re intentional, not performative.

• Give ourselves the support we need. Ask for help. Share the load. Leadership isn’t a solo mission.

• Lead with a vision Not just for our product, but for the kind of team we want to build, and the kind of leader we want to become. It keeps us grounded when everything else feels chaotic.

Leadership isn’t about doing more, being more, proving more. It’s about leading in a way that doesn’t make us want to run away from Slack forever.

Turns out, the key to not burning out isn’t working harder. It’s leading on our own damn terms.

📌 Coaching Bulletin Board:

📌 1:1 Coaching for the new Product, UX, and Tech Leaders going through your dilemmas. I’d love to help you define your strategies to set yourself and your team up for success. Book a free call and let’s discuss how we can work together.

📌 Feeling stuck in your career but not sure what to do next? Join my free 90-minute workshop on April 24 to explore new possibilities and create your own opportunities

📌 Magical Audios is giving away a free guided self-hypnosis for healing burnout. Click here to start listening.